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#447623 - 09/19/13 11:31 AM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 759
Loc: michigan
hey guys one more in response to the group Idea. T has been wanting me to go to the only available group in my area. we talked about it months ago I put it off for a long time, then e-mailed the leader who kind of insisted I talk to her. so I waited another three weeks and finally gave her my number to call and I really hoped she wouldn't but she did and now they are both hoping I will go I still haven't made up my mind to do it and this is a huge part of why. it feels like a trap at first ... then like I am under some kind of obligation like I loose my choice. and my voice is taken away. I have never BEEN TO A regular group. I did go to WOR and it was not like that but each time a new thing presents itself it is like right back to the start. my take is always to be tentative and never too eager. lord help me if I was ever to actually get excited about a new adventure cant set your self up like that you are bound to be hurt.I don't know how to ever break that cycle.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#447636 - 09/19/13 01:23 PM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3336
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: lucylives
I understand making new friends when we are older is difficult but when you are in recovery, you all have a commonality. A shared hell, so to speak.
... How can u not trust people who are in the exact same shoes as you, who share your pain?


because i know what i am capable of,
i know what they are capable of.

many of us here do not even trust our own actions and behaviours, which makes it difficult to trust others.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#447647 - 09/19/13 02:43 PM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 360
oh my God, you may just be right about that Victor. It is probably scary because of what my husband has done and what the other men have done.

I just feel bad for him. I feel like the sexual acting out may have been a way to feel connected to someone else. I want him to have healthy connections and relationships with other men, men who can help each other. that is the amazing things about 12 step groups.

It is hard to be someone's only support person and friend though there is probably a small part of me that is flattered by it (sick as that is);) I am also the only person he feels comfortable with being physically affectionate with that he knows. (except acting out)

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#447648 - 09/19/13 02:47 PM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 360
Crux , you are right some people are just more introverted. But my husband is an extrovert but with very very surface relationships. Like you said it is all about what they do.

I guess I should just give up on this. It isn't my problem though it is a huge responsibility to be ssomeone's only friend and confidant.

And others, the 2 guys in his group therapy are also in the sex addict recovery meetings with him and they are encourage to socialize as a part of recovery.

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#447649 - 09/19/13 02:48 PM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 360
I get the trust issue except that his abuse wasn't by friends or family but by strangers so why not just be untrusting of strangers??

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#447650 - 09/19/13 02:55 PM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3336
Loc: O Kanada
eventually, if you are lucky, your spouse will not depend on you for things you cannot provide. it is too much pressure. i was finally able to do this for my wife. she cannot save me. it was a major breakthrough in our relationship. i can find comfort from other sources, and i don't mean adultery or abstinence.
it has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with soul and spirit.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#447651 - 09/19/13 03:13 PM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 360
absolutely Victor. Finding comfort in others that isn't sexual is key and has everything to do with the heart and soul.

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#447655 - 09/19/13 04:04 PM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Maybe you could offer to cook something and see if he'd like to invite anyone over? My wife offers to do that sometimes since I have become a hermit.

Would it be possible for him to disclose to some of his friends? Even if they are friendships that are more focused on doing things rather than long involved talks about feelings and personal lives, it really helps. Even though I rarely discuss the assault with the friends I've told it is good, I feel less of a fake around them. I don't feel like I'm pretending I'm someone I'm not the entire time. That is very therapeutic for me, even though it doesn't look like "recovery work"
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#447659 - 09/19/13 04:21 PM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 187
Loc: Canada
Lucy,

I didn't think I had anything to offer here, as I have a very close group of friends and have since high school basically.
But, truth be told, I believe I had these friends because I needed somewhere to go, they were my escape from the dysfunction of home my drunken abusive father.
The lesser of 2 evils if you will. I had to trust someone, and adults had proven untrustworthy to me.
I now view the early days of these friendships as crutches, I offered nothing, but wouldn't go away either, I had nothing else.

Eventually life happens and they became more than my crutches.
Telling them of my CSA, was not easy, but it did help cement our bond in my own mind.
These relationships are not without their own issues though. I became very angry with all of them for a time, after my son was born.
I felt they abandoned me, and I felt justified in cutting off all contact with them.
Some time in isolation helped me realize that being alone was less desirable than being insulted.

Even now, I can create problems in my mind about innocuous things they may have done or said, and the trust I had is gone, even if it is just temporarily.
I have learned to talk myself through these times, and realize the issue is with me not them.
Ultimately as others have said, it comes down to trust, the who is immaterial.
Just a little more food for thought.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#447680 - 09/19/13 08:02 PM Re: Not having friends.....input from all please [Re: lucylives]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1987
Loc: durham, north england
@Lucy, regarding "abuse by strangers and trust" while it is true that abuse by strangers doesn't hold the same sort of conotations as some survivers who experienced abuse by family members, eg, "i can't get close to her/him since I'm not sure what they want", for me at least there is also a trust element created by the sense of worthlessness.

Having been shown in the most crude, obvious, and absolutely plane terms that I was completely and utterly dispicable, diseased and repulsive over several years, I started to believe that anyone who spent time with me, who was able to tolerate my company was doing so simply because they were a particularly tolerant and wonderful human being. At first, directly after the abuse for a good three or four years, this was a revelation to me, and it's the point I made some very close friends because I simply demanded nothing, and was absolutely grateful for whatever I got, a smile, a conversation, I remember nearly crying the first time a girl in my psycyhology class asked me to sit on the same desk with her and everyone else rather than in the corner on my own where I'd sat as usual, (thinking about it, it's not really surprising that I later fell madly in love with said girl).

The problem however for me is that being a charity case, feeling I have nothing to contribute to another person is not really a tennable situation. I can't trust someone with my feelings, since I don't want to put upon them, I can't request anything from someone else since that risks what I've got, heck, I can't even chase contact with another person since that just makes me feel that I am pestering them.

So, trust can be extremely difficult even so, since to trust another person you! have to believe that you are worthy of not only giving trust but recieving it, indeed I still! always feel honoured, feel obliged if (as people do), someone shares their problems or feelings with me, since it indicates that my relation to that person is not just as a charity case.

This again, is something that I've only in fact recently recognized, but it's something which has meant that I developed very close friends, however felt far too emotionally invested in those friendships, indeed a difficulty for me at the moment is the fact that all the friends I did! make are now very much rapped up in their own lives and have mostly moved far off.

In terms of recovery, well to be honest I just plane wouldn't want to have a friendship, or even regular contact with someone based just! on recovery matters. I attended a mike loo workship in 2010, and that was great as far as it went, I even met some of the chaps from this site, however it was just too intense to want to repeat, to personal, too plane intimate. Also, discussing recovery with people who share the issues simply for the purpose of support is a very different matter to discussing it with a friend, ---- as I said above.

While as time has gone on I've found various ways of sharing little bits of my recovery with people, eg, "I've done some research on male sa and found out" or admitting to someone that I am genophobic, the full disclosure of the events if you like is something I've only wanted to burden two people with. These are my two closest friends, (both of whome unfortunately live elsewhere), people who I considder as close as brothers, (irrispective of one being female), and even then, I only disclosed when I was actively forced to, after an hour of crying in each case and the need to just clear the air. I also told both over the phone since the physical proximity of someone else, even someone I'm close to would make me even more uneasy for both what i was putting on them and how hard those things are to share.

heck, with my family, even though i will discuss feelings in general terms and even though both my mum and my brother tend to talk about their feelings and specific issues in great detail with me, we don't! discuss recovery, or indeed me and relationships, in fact some of the worst arguements I've had connected with my recovery have been where my mum particularly has had either full out suggestions or vague hints connected with either recovering from my sa or finding a relationship, even though my mumn was the first person to use the word "raped" in connection with my abuse.

So, disclosing to someone is difficult, and being friends afterwards even more so.

Myself, I'd just suggest perhaps your husband considder developing the skills to be closer to his regular friends, and perhaps considder what he believes about friendship as well, rather than looking at recovery groups for friends.

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