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#447645 - 09/19/13 02:41 PM Re: he thinks a five year old can consent (trigger) [Re: MissHeidi]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#447708 - 09/20/13 12:24 AM Re: he thinks a five year old can consent (trigger) [Re: MissHeidi]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 228
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
As an adult I think of myself at 12 as a small me, gifted with all of my now 55 years of life experiences, when in fact I was a child with none of these.

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#448097 - 09/24/13 12:33 PM Re: he thinks a five year old can consent (trigger) [Re: MissHeidi]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I am struggling with this very consent issue. This was an awesome read. It felt like standing in a school gymnasium, in front of the bleachers, and the crowd yelling to me "you did not consent at 8 years old".

Thank you.

I can never hear this enough. Maybe in a few years.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#448274 - 09/26/13 05:06 AM Re: he thinks a five year old can consent (trigger) [Re: MissHeidi]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
I heard an acquaintance who was an incest victim at 6 put it this way: "Once you discover sex it's the only game you want to play."

That is such a telling statement. The word 'game' shows how no kid could consent. They've got no idea how one of their actions would effect next week, much less a year or fifty years from then. They don't understand the long-term nature of the things that they're doing (cannot cannot cannot!)

But when we're children, we don't know what we don't know. So it seems like we were all right with it. It wasn't true, but the memories themselves don't hold the information we need to see the lie. Memories hold pain/pleasure, shame/acceptance, and all the lies of manipulation and grooming without a strong counter, or we wouldn't have gone along in the first place.

That isn't to blame victims, just like we would never expect a 5 year old to bench press 200 lbs.

I really like how some of the guys have put it, it's when we sort of link what we understand about sex as adults to the easy-to-see limits of children to really see the difference. It's a big step towards "not my fault."

So, I have hope for your husband and your family. But I'm so glad you're aware and watching. That's so key! Good on you!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#455099 - 11/26/13 06:34 AM Re: he thinks a five year old can consent (trigger) [Re: Onesimus75]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline


Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 106
Loc: Quebec-Canada
thank you for waht you have wright from the bottom of my heart. It makes me feel good deeply and make me think. It also open my mind.

It was not a "game".

Jean-Pierre

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#455106 - 11/26/13 10:02 AM Re: he thinks a five year old can consent (trigger) [Re: MissHeidi]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
This was something it took me quite sometime to realize and accept. As I grew into adulthood I kept applying and adults experience to that of an eleven year old boy. I just does not work. At eleven I did not know or understand what grooming was, sex in general. Totally na´ve. I could not apply the understand of the world of a fifty year old man educated and married to that of a eleven year old. It just is unreasonable.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#455367 - 11/28/13 04:04 PM Re: he thinks a five year old can consent (trigger) [Re: victor-victim]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: victor-victim
a 5 year old will consent to anything.

I did.


True. We have no concept of what we consent to. I idolized my abuser. Groomed and messed up in my little kid thinking.

Interesting thread. I guess we all have our own manifestation of our damage. My CSA did not really wreck my family life since I was in AA working a step program. It did cause intimacy issues, but thankfully my daughter turned out fine, finished college, and is married with 3 kids of her own.

There is hope.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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