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#447617 - 09/19/13 10:04 AM something I might not remember
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 342
Loc: NY
Up until now, I think I have been clear about the different things that happened when I was a child. But recently, my symptoms of dissociation and problems breathing deeply have led me to believe that there are sections of my childhood that are missing from consciousness. I donít think there is some particular incident that I might be repressing, or a particular horrible event. What seems to be more accurate is that I formed an entire part of my personality around being dissociated with my brother.

What comes to mind is that his reaction to being sexually abused led me to cover up a lot of my own sexuality. I became useful to him only in so far as he could make sense of what happened to him in how he touched me. In the midst of calling up this incomplete part of myself, I also sense the presence of his abuser. It is an odd feeling, but real nonetheless. Itís like a missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle.

It is scary to walk around with this. It feels like a huge spectre enveloping my head and making me distort my body. This blank part of me has effected my interactions with others, especially my intimate ones. I feel like intimacy has another agenda all the time that has to do with allowing some kind of shame to be felt. Meanwhile there is a blind spot that it seems I just canít find.

Iím not sure if this is something that others experience, but would appreciate any insight or perspective.

Thanks,

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#447619 - 09/19/13 10:38 AM Re: something I might not remember [Re: focusedbody]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3399
Loc: somewhere in Africa
FB - in a word, YES.

it is very likely that there are gaps or blind spots in your understanding and awareness of mental and emotional impressions or connections - whether there are still hidden memories of events or not.

*"It is scary to walk around with this. It feels like a huge spectre enveloping my head and making me distort my body."*

good description! when i was about to discover or remember some significant memory or feeling or detail or connection, it was almost like the sensation of being followed - an awareness that "something" was sneaking up on me. almost like seeing the shadow of a pursuer cast from behind starting to overtake me - or like hearing footsteps approaching that were not my own.

it produced anxiety - but i think it was also the subconscious mind's way of preparing me for whatever revelation was about to be uncovered - so that it wasn't as much of a surprise or shock. i learned to wait and try to relax (or at least not flee or fight) and be ready to accept whatever was coming.

viewed in this way - it is almost comforting to realize that one is about to understand something better. it may not be a pleasant truth that is revealed - but better to know than to fear the unknown. sometimes the one following us is a friend rather than an enemy.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#447624 - 09/19/13 11:34 AM Re: something I might not remember [Re: focusedbody]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 761
Loc: michigan
I with ya man though I cant be of any help Im afraid. I have those feelings too and have had the memories come and slap me down sooo hard. other times it seems to fade and it just leaves me feeling weak. I am really afraid to try to remember things. it feels like reaching in for a gumball that is laying in a hornets nest.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#447642 - 09/19/13 02:17 PM Re: something I might not remember [Re: focusedbody]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 342
Loc: NY
Lee:

"Better to know than to fear the unknown".

This feels like where I want be. It feels like a caring statement from the man in me to the boy who remains distant. I'm going to remain open to the sensations and see what they continue to tell me.

New Ground:

"Gumball in a hornet's nest". Ouch! I've decided rather than reaching I will move slowly, keeping an eye on the gumball, but also on the hornets....maybe they'll decide to abandon the nest someday and leave me in peace.

Will keep you posted either way.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

Top
#447644 - 09/19/13 02:24 PM Re: something I might not remember [Re: focusedbody]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3399
Loc: somewhere in Africa
FB - take it slow and easy - don't try to force the issue - it will emerge when the time is right. and try not to worry about it - tell yourself that you can handle it - that you are older and stronger and safer than in the past. and have someone to tell about it when it comes - that seems to help defuse it. come back here or send me a PM if you want.
- lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#448001 - 09/23/13 02:04 PM . [Re: focusedbody]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#448024 - 09/23/13 07:42 PM Re: something I might not remember [Re: focusedbody]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 342
Loc: NY
Greg:

Thanks for your support. The fact is, I wish so much that I could confront it, but there are only pieces and fragments of interactions with my brother that are up to me to attempt to put together.

One of the ways that trauma effects an individual is by creating divisions in the psyche. In my case, these divisions are themselves separate ways of being. They do not unite because they do not "know" of each other. Other parts of me have co-existed in more conscious way over the years.

How do I have any inkling of this? I suppose it has to do with moments when I do not feel my self. I float; I act like someone else; I have trouble feeling anything. Yes, I think it is in our feelings that something true resides. I have found that moving down this road ultimately brings clarity, because it is our feelings that have been denied. But, oh, were it so simple as to say, "what do I feel?". The problem here is not necessarily feeling but "I". That "I" has been damaged.

From what I understand about traumatic memory, it diffuses reality into a state where things don't quite make regular sense. How do we get closer to the actual memory itself? It is commonly understood that memory itself is not necessarily the actual events, but a picture we have made of them. Pushing myself for better accuracy results in further dissociation, since it is something that has already happened. I find a better route is to become more present. By staying in the present, I stand a better chance of dealing with the past.

And what can come up in the present is pain, which is in many ways the true sign of that damage. However, pain can only be taken on slowly. As you may already know, it can be overwhelming.

Sad to say, that's the way it is.

Thanks for reaching out and for being there. It still means a lot.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#448026 - 09/23/13 08:22 PM . [Re: focusedbody]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#448426 - 09/27/13 12:05 PM Re: . [Re: focusedbody]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 342
Loc: NY

So Iíve been going to physical therapy for a strained knee. Overall itís going well, but the real problem arises when the male physical therapist starts massaging.

In the past I was always comfortable around men, or so I thought. Physical contact and even having passes made at me were handled without difficulty. Whatís kind of remarkable at this point is that having narrowed down all of the reasons for my growing confused mind over the years, I can recognize the mental and emotional trigger. Hereís this regular guy working on my leg and itís an unmistakable feeling of my brother crossing boundaries with me!

The last time this therapist massaged me I went into a kind of state that ended up being out of my body and felt the need to babble on about something that I was later embarrassed about. This time I was able to stay in my body (yeah!) and talk to him about how the nervous system works.

The strange thing that happened was that while talking to the PT, there was a sudden bit of clarity. I found myself noticing more about him. I think a lot of the time people appear to me in two dimensions, especially if I feel too close to them, emotionally and physically. He appeared for a few seconds to be a full human being, almost as if he had climbed out of a tunnel. There was something comforting about realizing that he was a man, and not a boy. Perhaps this was my memory playing out a fear of my brother being out of control.

Not sure what to make of this or where it will go. There are deep feelings of sadness and regret stemming from holding onto a fear for most of my life. Perhaps this will open the door to further memories. Canít say Iím eager for that, but I have a deep desire to be 3-D also, with everything functioning as it should be.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#448497 - 09/27/13 10:29 PM . [Re: focusedbody]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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