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#447597 - 09/19/13 01:43 AM Alcoholic Blackouts
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1536
Loc: New England
Maybe I'm posting too much. I don't want to wear anyone out with my ongoing saga. But I had the most upsetting nightmare recently.

Anyone who's been a long term alcoholic knows what a "blackout" is. It results from heavy drinking and is a period of time (from a few hours to a few days) during which you are conscious and active, but which you have no memory of afterward. During the blackout, one is typically functioning without normal restraint, which may result in harm to self and others. Violence during blackouts is common, as well as sexual misconduct, verbal abuse, and bizarre behavior.

The worst part of a blackout is coming out of it and not knowing what you did, where you've been, or how long it lasted. It can be terrifying, especially if you find yourself in an unfamiliar place. In blackouts that I had when I was drinking, I would be panicked when I came out of it. Thoughts of "Did I hurt anyone? Where is my car? Where are my kids? Was I supposed to pick them up somewhere? What happened to them? Did I go to work? What day is it? What time is it? would race through my mind and I would scramble to try to fix whatever I did.

I have been sober for 16 years, and without blackouts. But I just had a dream that I was coming out of an alcoholic blackout and felt that same old fear and panic. I was racking my brain trying to remember something.....anything, afraid that I had done something terrible. But I could not recall anything after that last drink, and now I had ruined everything. I woke up not sure if it was a dream or it really happened, fell back asleep and just continued the same dream. This was actually worse than any CSA dream I've ever had. It was 3 days ago, but I still shudder every time I think about it. The fear of going back to that time in my life never really leaves me.

Why the fuck couldn't I just be normal?
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#447598 - 09/19/13 02:19 AM Re: Alcoholic Blackouts [Re: Jude]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3609
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jude,
what you described is almost like triggering meaning when we some hurtful emotions are brought to the surface suddenly.
It seems like you have had one of those realistic dreams when it is difficult to differentiate what was real and what was imagination.

I never drunk too much, but on couple of occasions more than 10 years ago I have lost my memories under influence and later I found about some embarrassing moments. It was better for me not to learn about it, lol.

I hope your emotions settled and you are feel safe and calm now.

Hey it is never too much to share, I know that I'll keep doing it as long as you are feel good about it.

Plus we can learn a lot from your posts be sure in that wink

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#447608 - 09/19/13 08:04 AM Re: Alcoholic Blackouts [Re: Jude]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1665
Jude

Stay strong. Something is triggering the past. I understand what it feels like not to have memories. Emotional stresses led to dissociative episodes and fugues. I will never recover the memories and hopefully never have these episodes.

Sharing and talking helps relieve the emotional stresses or triggers.

Keep well and your comments are welcome and insightful.

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