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#44751 - 06/24/03 10:53 PM I'm fine! fine, fine, fine, fine fine
Elad Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/23/03
Posts: 9
All day today it was so hard.
"How are you?"
"I'm fine."
"How's things?"
"Oh just great."
"Hey how are things?"
"Fine."
"How are you?"
"Fine, fine thanks."
What a bunch of BS. I wasn't feeling fine at all but I was feeling a lot and all the while I had Van Morrisons, "Sometimes you cry." stuck in my head. Over and over, "Sometimes you live, sometimes you die, sometimes you cry." I like this song but all day over and over. I couldn't decide, do I want to live, die or cry? I decided I am dieing to cry.
I can't cry for me. Oh I want to. I cried for a friend the other night but no I can't cry for me. I did when I first started on this recovery road a few years back but not since. So I walk around all day lieing to every one I know about how "fine" I am. But so what none of them are what I'd call friends. They are people I have to pass by. If I had a real friend then I could say how I really feel which would not be "fine". I don't have a male friend that I don't have to be "fine" with. I gave up on male friends years ago after experiances in my late teens. It wasn't bad enough that I had a neighbor that started molesting me before kindergarten until I was 8 but then......I'm sorry I can't go any more


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#44752 - 06/24/03 11:17 PM Re: I'm fine! fine, fine, fine, fine fine
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Elad

It is ok to not be "fine" here. Your days of having no male friends to lean on are OVER! You have come to the right place to confront your situation.

The same thing happened to me when I first found this awesome place. Once I realized that there were people, men, here who wanted to help carry my load, it just all came pouring out : the good and bad feelings that I had been denying for so long. It gets better with time's passing, but you have to feel these feelings in order to be able to move on. Fortunately, you don't have to feel them alone.

Please listen to some music that is comforting and uplifting. Take a moment, breathe, then let us help you get back on the horse.

Your friend in the surviving,

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#44753 - 06/25/03 09:16 AM Re: I'm fine! fine, fine, fine, fine fine
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
I couldn't decide, do I want to live, die or cry? I decided I am dieing to cry.
I can't cry for me. Oh I want to. I cried for a friend the other night but no I can't cry for me.
Elad,

I know you're hurting, but it helps me so much to see what you wrote. I can't cry for myself, yet. I have had tears for some of the things my brothers here have written, but I still cannot cry for myself. And I do want to. I want to let it out and let it pour down my face and away from me.

Thank you. I don't feel so alone this morning.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#44754 - 06/25/03 01:57 PM Re: I'm fine! fine, fine, fine, fine fine
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Elad
when you have a shit day, you be sure to let us know.

Because one persons shit day shared out between us all makes it insignificant.
Share your pain Elad, we'll share our support.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#44755 - 06/25/03 04:13 PM Re: I'm fine! fine, fine, fine, fine fine
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Elad my brother. We have all had days when we are fine. I have a rather abrupt interpretation of "Ime FINE"

F- FUCKED UP
I- INSECURE
N- NEUROTIC
E- EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE.

When I am fine I never say so. If I am doing well I say so. I have given up saying I am FINE because ivariably someone will say no you arent what is wrong. It is easier to just tell it like it is.

Now ELAD when you are having a FINE day come here and talk about it. In the telling it diminishes. And that is what we here are all about. To help each other over the bumps in the road.

The others before me have put it much more eloqently but I had to add my post.

When I am not I let people know. Cause I am the kind of guy who will believe his own lie. Ime fine therefore I must be FINE. Confusing!

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#44756 - 06/26/03 03:04 PM Re: I'm fine! fine, fine, fine, fine fine
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am sorry you have such a bad day, and I feel so much the guilt that I am not home to talk at you Monday afternoon and on. I hope to make you know that you do not have to be fine at me, we can be not fine together and help each other some. I hope to talk at you today later. And it is strange, I find it odd that 'fine' is a four-letter word. Just thinking of that, how it is strange at me.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#44757 - 06/26/03 03:36 PM Re: I'm fine! fine, fine, fine, fine fine
godsrabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 98
Quote:
Originally posted by mikechurch:
F- FUCKED UP
I- INSECURE
N- NEUROTIC
E- EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE.
i have a hard time even looking at the f word, but thank you...this made me laugh...i have never been one to say i am "fine" but i have all manner of other phrases that basically mean the same thing...

elad,

i did not cry one tear for twenty years...now i cannot stop...be gentle with yourself...it will come when you are ready to surrender to it...i hope you will find enough support here and in your actual life to begin to allow yourself tears...i first started crying with a friend online...the seperation helped me to feel safe...

~ rabbit


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