What hurts David?
Triggers for pain & suffering
1. Childhood memories
2. Loss of my son Adam
3. Loss of my parents (Mother & Stepdad) Loss of relationship with my father (Cliff)
4. Loss of family
5. Loss of friends
6. Feelings of betrayal
7. Feeling unloved or unlovable
8. Lack of empathy or compassion from Jenn
9. Lack of any kind of human contact or love
10. Loss/Lack of faith. Disconnecting from the Almighty, Merciful & Compassionate Allah (swt)
11. Feelings of isolation
12. Nobody seems to understand me/Outcast
13. Lack of intimacy with Jenn
These are just a few of my painful triggers....
What can I do to re-connect with myself? Who am I? Who is David? How do I become comfortable within my own skin?
Pudding is that guy from JBs Nightclub
David is the tortured little boy who felt no real love or nurturing
Dawud Abu Adam is the sensitive, loving Muslim Man I thought I had found, but have since lost
Some days I don't know who I am anymore. Is this some sort of an identity crisis? Do I have multiple personalities? Is this my way to enact a personality for the purposes of acceptance of others.... or even acceptance of myself? Is this a part of my shield? My protection? Is this how that scared little boy hides? Is this his protection?
I realize that I've been running, hiding and scared my entire life. Its like torturing a puppy. When every time he stands up, he is kicked back into the corner, until finally he is too afraid and untrusting to even stand up. Its as though I fear life. Living becomes so much of a painful reminder of the pain, that death seems like the only way out.
My skin crawls inside at the idea of giving that much strength and power to my tormentors. I'm still letting them torture me. As that puppy, I'm afraid to stand up and live my life. I cannot seem to be able to maintain any kind of healthy relationships. I spend so much time and energy trying to "fix" them that I neglect my own needs to be fixed.
Another matter I struggle with is the trusting of men. I have always felt fear and anticipation of betrayal, due to past experiences. Instead, I find myself connecting with women.... especially Momma figures. I feel safer that way. No real risk of abuse or betrayal, except with the ones I fall in love with.
That too is an issue I have. I want to be intimate with Jennifer. However, she acts as though I'm some perverted weirdo who only wants sex. Sometimes I do want sex, but most of the time I just want to cuddle and connect intimately in other ways. Holding hands, cuddling, kissing, exploring each other the way normal people do. Laying together to enjoy a romantic movie. Sitting down to a candlelit dinner. Taking romantic walks at sunset. These are just a few of the things I want to experience together with her. Is that so wrong? To want to connect mind, body & soul with the person you are madly in love with, but they act as though you are just an option for when they feel like it? Its a very unworthy feeling that it gives me.