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#447499 - 09/17/13 10:49 PM My thoughts and reflections for today....
puddingman Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 2
What hurts David?

Triggers for pain & suffering

1. Childhood memories
2. Loss of my son Adam
3. Loss of my parents (Mother & Stepdad) Loss of relationship with my father (Cliff)
4. Loss of family
5. Loss of friends
6. Feelings of betrayal
7. Feeling unloved or unlovable
8. Lack of empathy or compassion from Jenn
9. Lack of any kind of human contact or love
10. Loss/Lack of faith. Disconnecting from the Almighty, Merciful & Compassionate Allah (swt)
11. Feelings of isolation
12. Nobody seems to understand me/Outcast
13. Lack of intimacy with Jenn

These are just a few of my painful triggers....

What can I do to re-connect with myself? Who am I? Who is David? How do I become comfortable within my own skin?

Pudding is that guy from JBs Nightclub
David is the tortured little boy who felt no real love or nurturing
Dawud Abu Adam is the sensitive, loving Muslim Man I thought I had found, but have since lost

Some days I don't know who I am anymore. Is this some sort of an identity crisis? Do I have multiple personalities? Is this my way to enact a personality for the purposes of acceptance of others.... or even acceptance of myself? Is this a part of my shield? My protection? Is this how that scared little boy hides? Is this his protection?

I realize that I've been running, hiding and scared my entire life. Its like torturing a puppy. When every time he stands up, he is kicked back into the corner, until finally he is too afraid and untrusting to even stand up. Its as though I fear life. Living becomes so much of a painful reminder of the pain, that death seems like the only way out.

My skin crawls inside at the idea of giving that much strength and power to my tormentors. I'm still letting them torture me. As that puppy, I'm afraid to stand up and live my life. I cannot seem to be able to maintain any kind of healthy relationships. I spend so much time and energy trying to "fix" them that I neglect my own needs to be fixed.

Another matter I struggle with is the trusting of men. I have always felt fear and anticipation of betrayal, due to past experiences. Instead, I find myself connecting with women.... especially Momma figures. I feel safer that way. No real risk of abuse or betrayal, except with the ones I fall in love with.

That too is an issue I have. I want to be intimate with Jennifer. However, she acts as though I'm some perverted weirdo who only wants sex. Sometimes I do want sex, but most of the time I just want to cuddle and connect intimately in other ways. Holding hands, cuddling, kissing, exploring each other the way normal people do. Laying together to enjoy a romantic movie. Sitting down to a candlelit dinner. Taking romantic walks at sunset. These are just a few of the things I want to experience together with her. Is that so wrong? To want to connect mind, body & soul with the person you are madly in love with, but they act as though you are just an option for when they feel like it? Its a very unworthy feeling that it gives me.

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#447522 - 09/18/13 09:18 AM Re: My thoughts and reflections for today.... [Re: puddingman]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Hello Puddingman/David/Dawud Abu Adam,

Welcome to MS. You posed many issues that others have and do struggle with. I hope you will find some solace in seeing that you are not alone in this and there are others here who understand you. Pain, anger, shame, self-hatred, isolation, sex and relationship issues. We're all right beside you.

The only advice I would ever give anyone is to NOT try to work through this on your own. If a guy had cancer, he wouldn't say "I'll just tuff this out on my own". He'd seek out specialist for that type of cancer. Likewise, we can love and respect ourselves enough to seek out a specialist in childhood trauma who can guide us through all of this. I hope you will consider doing so.

Jude
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#447558 - 09/18/13 04:35 PM Re: My thoughts and reflections for today.... [Re: puddingman]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 545
Hey Puddingman,

From your first post on MS, I can tell that you are aware of many of your problems, and you are seeking help and guidance in solving them. That is already a huge step. You know about the inner child, and you're asking really, really good questions. The list you have made also tell me you're in a pretty rough spot. I'm sorry for all of the pain and suffering you are/have been going through. It reminds me of the 'ground zero' I was at a few years ago. I can tell you, though, that it does get better, but it takes a lot of time, reflection and consistent hard work.

As this was your first post, I don't know you that well yet, so what I say may be a bit off. My two cents on some of your questions, in any case:

- Re-connecting: you seem to have split parts of yourself. I think that's pretty common, as abuse and traumatic events tend to freeze you at a certain stage. I find writing helps a lot, whether it be journaling or poetry. Pain and anger were the first things I had to feel before I could start feeling a full range of emotions/feelings that now make life worth living. I also found dialogue within these split-off parts of yourself helpful. Let them engage in positive dialogue.
- Identity crisis: an identity chart helps. What are you beliefs? Your values? Interests? Hobbies? Your personality traits? Past experiences? All of these form 'identity', wavering as it is sometimes. I think a common side-effect of abuse is that you end up pleasing others out of fear of rejection, so you develop a habit of being a chameleon and playing whatever 'role' you feel is appropriate in any given situation. I think you're absolutely right about this kind of behavior being a way of David protecting himself.
- Relationships and betrayal: a tricky one. When you've been betrayed so many times, it is hard to open up again and trust someone. I can tell you from experience, though, that there are many men on MS who are worthy of being trusted. My hope is that you will be able to connect with some of them and find a good sense of community and belonging - a support network, to use the jargon - to keep you strong.
- 'Fixing others': I think you already have this partly solved when you mentioned that you believe you need to fix yourself before you can fix others. There are many resources out there - books, therapists, articles...not the least of which is MS.

I hope this helps somewhat, and that you keep opening up, albeit at your own pace.
_________________________
The ratio of good to bad people in this world will always be tipped in favor of the latter. Always. But that ratio in your own social circle, you can control. And there, and only there, can the balance be favorably tipped, so that those who love you far outnumber those who don't.

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