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#447380 - 09/16/13 06:28 PM Isolaion

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
I was wondering how many of you. Stay in your homes and only leave when you have to.
I had a family member in the hospital. So I went to see them. And another Family member told me that I was a Hermit


"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

#447389 - 09/16/13 08:33 PM ! [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:44 PM)

#447392 - 09/16/13 08:45 PM Re: Isolaion [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Onesimus75 Offline

Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Part of how I try and stay healthy is to manage my HHALTS stuff.
I'm worse off when I'm (Horny, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, or Scared.) I sort of do a mental inventory when i feel down and see which one is red light or yellow light instead of green light. So I have to make it a point when I want to curl up in a hole and pull the hole in after me, that's when I need to talk. I may call my folks, or invite a friend to play Halo / see a movie, just call someone. It helps.

But I have to do it on purpose because yeah, it seems much safer and easier to do the opposite.
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

#447405 - 09/16/13 10:24 PM Re: Isolaion [Re: OKIE MIKE]
justplainme Offline

Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 447
Rape makes us feel, out of life. Out of the space of life that other's live in, And That is no surprise given the fact that a horrendous act like CSA, destroys ones self confidence. Without proper barriers to stand up towards negative thoughts and emotions..we isolate,because we feel dirty,unworthy, as if living in a plane of struggle..Shame...inadequacy..everyone else is OK and here I am the only one livin with this horrific inner toxic issue.
The only way to cleanse yourself of isolation and fear is to seek healthy modes of operation that purify the image you have of yourself.
You are a man, who has all the potential to rise above anything and live joyfully and fully as a functioning being of society.
At least that is what I tell myself everyday,every hour, every second...
Don't isolate for fear of being seen.
People don't have a clue about crimes like rape going on everyday..
It is part of the modern society's denial for the true state of affairs..
If you do.. Because like me..we're a a survivor..
Let's go out towards the world and live the kind of life that little boy inside deserves.
My love and strenght go out to you.

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

#447430 - 09/17/13 06:22 AM Re: Isolaion [Re: OKIE MIKE]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2227
Loc: durham, north england
Personally My take on this is a little different.

I am an intravert. I take relaxation by being alone, for me people, even the best of individuals are work, for all there are things i can get out of being with another person that I can't get from being alone.

Because of this, even when I'm living with others (as now when I'm temporarily at my parents), I spend a lot of time by myself, because I simply find my own company easier to take.

Whether this is the same if you have a significant other whome you life with I don't know. A friend of mine, also a confirmed intravert said not but I've no experience of that so I'm not sure, though i do admit I don't find my dog half the same trouble as I would find another person and I am quite happy being with her! even at points when i couldn't stand being with other humans.

the problem however, is that isolation is like any adictive pleasureable thing. When you combine it with abuse, it's often easier to isolate than to take the work to get what you need from the presence of others. I've very much been in this position myself, indeed there have been points I have not spoken to another human or even left my flat for four or five days straight.

This is when isolation becomes unhealthy, when a natural desire which would usually only be expressed by say being alone for several hours a day is expressed by being totally cut off from all human contact.

the only cure to this is recognition. for myself this meant making weekly commitments to leasure activities where I would see other people, also I will admit having a dog helps hugely, since quite often what I won't do for myself I will! do for her, indeed the fact that reever is a guide dog and thus actively needs to practice her skills at guiding each day mean that I physically can't! avoid say going shopping, (indeed where I used to only go shopping early in the morning when things were quiet to avoid the crowds, now I go at the busiest time just because! reever loves making her way around large crowds of people).

Of course, this is only individual contact, perhaps with a couple of friends.

I'm afraid I disagree entirely with justplainme. "a functioning member of society?" well why should I care about society! it was society! who sent me to the school where I was abused, heck, it was the "Society" of that school who gang raped me there, and it's society! who mean I have to develope amazing skills at communication just to be recognized as a member of species homo sapiens because I have a visual imparement. This indeed is part of my reluctance and why making those weekly commitments to see people at group activities are so difficult.

if I walked into a pub right now, nobody would speak to me, indeed I used to test this as an undergraduate, going to the colidge bar and just waiting for hours. The only way I can get people to even recognize that I'm human is by having a situation where people are forced! to engage with me, eg, a choire roleplay session or other hobby related activity, and then employing social skills.

Frankly "going out" or "partying" are pretty alien concepts to me, about the best interaction I can ever get with someone is individual conversation, and to get to that point takes a lot of work.

I hate society! much as I don't particularly hate individuals, indeed for me at least, the single worst force of human nature is people's ability to band together into groups and lose what makes them human in all following the same trend, obeying the same rules, and (as usually happens), excluding the same outsiders.

I remember a Doctor who story in which everyone lived in individual apartments only reachable by teleportation, and the teleporters only allowed three people in one room at a time. That was supposed to be distopia, but to me at least it sounded more like eutopia! laugh.

so my advice personally is let groups, let society, let all those teams and clubs and cleaques and nations and other such associations wrot! put in the work to find a few decent individuals to be with, and realize that you do need them sometimes.


#447435 - 09/17/13 09:11 AM Re: Isolaion [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Onesimus75 Offline

Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Fair point. When I "go out" it's usually with one or two friends. Definitely not a party or large-group person!
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

#447474 - 09/17/13 03:28 PM Re: Isolaion [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: OKIE MIKE
I was wondering how many of you. Stay in your homes and only leave when you have to....

Hey Mike,

Yes thats been part of my history too. From the start of my abuse, I shrunk my world down to school and my room. No more parties, sports, or other activities. When I went away to college I lived in a dorm only one semester. I couldn't stand living with the other boys/men. I moved into a one room apartment and spent the following 3 1/2 years alone. I believed that was the only way to prevent anyone from learning my terrible secret, and to protect myself from anyone ever hurting me again. It was a plan that worked, but at a terrible cost to me.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#447487 - 09/17/13 07:40 PM Re: Isolaion [Re: OKIE MIKE]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 303
Loc: MO
Dear OKIE MIKE, Jude,et al.

My experience is probably irrelevant. I started organizing peers and others in political and civil rights efforts when I was 14. Although my first perp was my brother, the first and only one who anally raped did his last deed about 2 weeks before the March on Washington. So there an enouremouse experience of solidarity within the movement.

I did not begin to experience my depression until I was 20, shortly after I got married and we moved to the middle of the country. I applied for a couple of jobs for which I was most qualified. But they wouldn't hire me because of my age.

Since we were newly weds, married only 3 months, I had no problem needing and getting support and being able to receive it. So I was not alone and did not feel alone.

When I returned from the Dellums campaign in California (The first Black man to be elected from a majority white district - the Afro-American population was only 28%) and fell in a deep "black hole" depression.

I thought it was a reaction to being unemployed. My wife went to the University, and I isolated, read books, and fixed her dinner. I could get out (with my wife) to go grocery store I didn't drive in those days. At that time I never connected this with my

After all, my mother had asked if I enjoyed being penetrated, I said no, it hurt. "Then you are OK" my mother said and I believed her. And, of course, I was drinking to a black out a few days a week.

I struggled with the isolation and depression until I went to the University, and got active in organizing the neighborhood where I lived.

Long story not short enough. When I was 37 I started to realize that my physical and sexual abuse as a child had any affect on me. The isolation began almost immediately, except that I kept working. And I had a wife and four children, so I wasn't really isolated, just from the rest of the world. And, about once a week I went to a bar or drank with someone other than my wife.

At 42, I got sober, at 45 she threw me out of the house, by then I was mostly working for myself and it got worse. I saw my youngest son once a week (the others were in college or living elsewhere). I worked when I could I isolated at least two days a week seeing no one, not cleaning the house, sometimes not even getting out of bed. It was a slow road back, I accepted I needed help. I went to 12 AA meetings a week, therapy once a week, Psychiatrist once a month. By 8 years sober, I was out of the isolation routine.

I have been living with at least one roommate since, who encourage and promote my seeing them and others, especially AA.
That is about 15 years now.

We all have different stories and we all are just the same.


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