hey, Kevin -
i had one of those AHA moments recently too. visiting a family who had an 11-yr-old son - i was amazed by how small, immature, weak and vulnerable he was. i realized that most of my episodes had happened before or when i was 11-12. i was amazed by the difference between that little boy and how i had been remembering myself - nearly as big as i am now.
you are right - you need to take a new look at the circumstances as they were back then - try to see it, feel it and assess it through your younger self - and not look at it all thought the adult eyes that are your present reality. it is not fair to use that grown-up standard of judgement on your past child.
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"