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#447095 - 09/13/13 09:45 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 733
Loc: NJ
Married 11 years in October, together for 20. 2 great kids.

Our marriage has only gotten better, stronger and more intimate post disclosure and confrontation with active healing.

It does get better.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#447096 - 09/13/13 09:58 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 363
Our relationship is pretty much on the way out, after almost 18 years of marriage, unless something changes.

Sometimes people say to me:" oh he loves you a lot!".......and what I can't say (because I can't 'out' him) is...."No, I make him feel safe. There is a difference."

I don't understand the timing though. He did his in-patient stint almost 5 years ago and there were vast improvements. I guess that reinforces, to me, that he didn't really want to marry me.....he just wanted to feel safe.


Edited by sugarbaby (09/13/13 10:01 AM)

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#447097 - 09/13/13 10:00 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
Banjo596 Offline


Registered: 08/20/13
Posts: 44
Loc: Ohio
Together for 23 years, married for 8, in the process of divorce.
_________________________
Jeff

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#447110 - 09/13/13 10:42 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
About to have our 10 year anniversary. Seems impossible after what we went through last year (affair, multiple infidelities, CSA meltdown). But we both reached the cliff of divorce at the same time, peered over, and pulled back. It was a turning point. We still have our moments. My H has a really long way to go, but we are doing it together now.

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#447144 - 09/13/13 10:03 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 724
Loc: NJ
Coming up on 19 years together. 15th wedding anniversary this month and I really don't know how we are still here, fighting our way through our own personal stuff - and then the damage done to a relationship destroyed by lies, addiction and infidelity.

I honestly believe that he has taught me the essence of the serenity prayer (for which I am truly grateful). Great pain definitely delivered me to a level of consciousness.

As far as our future, it's no longer in my hands (as if it ever was).

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#447190 - 09/14/13 01:15 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3493
Loc: somewhere in Africa
we hit the big 4-0 this past june - a miracle that she stuck with me and that my issues didn't drive her away. we were always best friends - even when my problems prevented us from being lovers - but i didn't trust anyone and wouldnt really let her get close - no true intimacy or vulnerability on my part. the past 20 months have been the best yet.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#447193 - 09/14/13 03:05 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
We are still together after 6 years. He has dabbled in therapy but is yet to commit to recovery. He avoids emotional intimacy. He likes to blame me for every horrible thing in his life. He drinks whenever he feels any emotion good or bad. I don't think he knows how he really feels about anything. He is just angry at the world. I love him and see all the good in him that he cannot yet see. I choose to be grateful for what he can and does do. I focus on my own life and happiness. And when he lashes out I try to remember that the battle he is fighting is really with himself. Its painful and hard sometimes. But there is slow progress.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#447254 - 09/15/13 12:42 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: HD001]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: HD001
He has dabbled in therapy but is yet to commit to recovery.


Being in therapy is not the same as being in recovery. There are many different ways to heal from sexual abuse or assault--it doesn't exclusively happen within the experience of therapy. My wife and I are both survivors. She will never go to therapy as her perp was a therapist, and I have had an off-and-on relationship with therapy, mostly due to the fact that I have a hard time feeling physically healthy enough to sit through an entire $200 session (and I question whether the time I spend is worth all that money). But I would say that even though I go through lengthy stretches of time without therapy, it doesn't have to change whether or not I'm invested in recovering from my assault. I have yet to find a therapist that is as invested in my recovery as I am.
_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#447346 - 09/16/13 09:11 AM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
We're also around the 6 year mark. He had started recovery before we got married, so had I. Still, it's incredibly hard. Many days the feeling is "I love you so much, but I don't know whether I can do this for the rest of my life". It would break my heart to leave him, though.

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#447477 - 09/17/13 04:48 PM Re: Marriage - anyone still together? [Re: PatchworkMama]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
Crux. I see your point and I thinkmy H would agree with you. I believe that he is trying on his own. For me being survivor as well therapy was a great help but I'm learning that we all heal in our own way.
Hope. I'm hear ya on that one. I've thought the same thing. I have to believe that is will get easier and most days I can see that is has. I have dreams about the future sometimes and whenever I see H in them he seems really happy he is always smiling. I know they are just dreams but they give me hope for the future. I have to believe in things like love courage and hope to keep going. I know we are both learning a lot as people.
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Everything comes from within

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