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#446952 - 09/12/13 12:38 AM Insanity.
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well if that's true, I must be insane. I can't tell the difference between one day or the next, the only real measure for memory is the music I constantly listen to. I listen to music all day, different new songs all the time, I like the ones I enjoy and keep them recorded so to speak. If I listen to a song I did a month ago, I'd feel how I felt a month ago, I'd remember certain things about that time, but everything is so similar, only something emotionally charged like music can remind me of the subtletys. I'm just stuck, repeating the same thing day after day, in the same house day after day, seeing the same two people day after day. I ask myself the same questions day after day, but I never, never get any answers. Life has become so mundane, I'm confused by differences. Everything's mashed together, numbed down, I can't recognize my emotions anymore. In therapy sessions I struggled when asked a simple question like, "How does that make you feel?" It just doesn't register. I'm so sick and tired of this meaningless and pointless mundane and repetitive living, I'm quite literally being driven insane. I don't know of any way out, I fantasize about death. Death is the most fascinating thing to me, it's immensely intriguing. I'm almost so curious about what happens that I'd like to put a bullet in my head to find out. The only thing that really stops me is the idea, "Well, everybody dies, it's just a matter of time. I just have to wait my turn, it will all be over eventually." This is why I keep going, not such a great reason huh? Purposeless. I'm living for the sake of just living. But it's not just living, no, no it's not. I have to endure great pain everyday. I guess, I feel so many different types of pain, it's become hard to differentiate the different types and how they fluctuate. Loneliness, Rage, Depression, Sadness, Hopelessness, Despair, Fear, Anxiety, on and on. Then there's the boredom. Mind numbing boredom. I'm just fucking trapped, with absolutely nothing to do, powerless and out of control. No motivation to do anything, no real need to do anything.

I could tell you my story, I could tell you my daily tasks, my ongoing tribulations. But I've already done that, I'm already doing that, and I will continue to do so. But over the last year, nothing and nobody has helped. I've tried, with only pain gained. Every time I try, I fail. The most frustrating is trying to connect with people. My therapist says I do connect, but then why do I feel disconnected from everyone? Why do I feel so fucking lonely all the fucking time? I thirst for love, but nothing can seem to quench my never ending thirst for it. I never get to feel it, not even when I get it. I know people "love" me, but I don't "feel" loved. What do I do when even when I succeed I feel like a failure? It's impossible for me.

I'm in so much pain guys, I don't know what to do. Nothing I do seems to help it go away. I want to rip apart the walls, I want to cry buckets of tears, I just want to lash out. I feel so horrible it hurts physically, my whole body. I'll get in a mood where I want to do nothing, absolutely nothing, because nothing sounds good. I don't want to eat, I don't care to move, I just don't want to do anything. I can't stand it.

And the worst thing about this whole thread is the insanity. I've written this all before, in different words, always expecting something to happen. But it never changes. So is it insane to even seek help? Does that make me insane to expect to be helped? Is it insane for me to think I'll get better?
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#447043 - 09/12/13 10:33 PM Re: Insanity. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
Cloudy,

Sorry for the rough spots you feel like you are always in. I think if you are asking if you are insane means you probably aren't. Keep asking and looking for help and I pray one day you find your way. Even if you are experiencing pain at least you are still feeling something.

You are right people DO love you. One day you can feel that too and it's awesome and after that you may begin to love yourself and that will be pretty cool and finally you will be able to love others. It's all really worth it too, so don't give up.

Can you find something you can do that would be useful? A job, or some kind of volunteer work? That may give you a sense of purpose.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#447067 - 09/13/13 04:39 AM Re: Insanity. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
I don't have the power to take your pain away, or I would. I think it's one of the roles some of us see a higher power taking.

In any case.
Say you're hurting when you're hurting. We'll tell you you're not alone because you're not.

Maybe last year wasn't your year to see change. Maybe it will be this year, or next week, or five years from now.
Maybe gutting it out just two years will mean twenty good ones after.

We just don't know.

In my faith tradition great men have wished they didn't have to keep going. Moses and Elijah were great heroes to us, and they prayed similar thoughts in tough times.

Whatever you believe, the future isn't fixed just because you can't see it turning.

For me, I go to bed and ask my higher power to take me home every day. Every day I wake up with a fresh day to tackle, and I start tackling. Then request again.

In the process I have made friends, gotten my degree, and had other blessings. bnut before any of that happened, enduring was all the victory I could manage.

and it was a victory.

You ARE winning. Please, hang in there!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#447075 - 09/13/13 05:04 AM Re: Insanity. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1536
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
I'm in so much pain guys, I don't know what to do. ...Is it insane for me to think I'll get better?
CF,

So many of us have been where you are tonight. The unbearable pain, the isolation, the hopelessness. It does little good to be told that "it gets better". I have found that in my worst moments, if I look for a way to help someone else, it takes my eyes off my problems and gives me some perspective. The world is a hurting place, and its not difficult to find someone who needs a hand in some way. Just something to consider.
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#447224 - 09/14/13 07:36 PM Re: Insanity. [Re: Rich1967]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
Thanks for the support guys.

@Rich

I don't think so. I'm too anxiety ridden to hold a job. I remember trying to go to cosmetology school and ever night I'd get home I'd cry and feel mentally and emotionally exhausted, it was just draining. I quit and went back month after month 3 times before I just finally decided I couldn't handle school. The longest I made it was 6 weeks.

@Onesimus

It's the uncertainty that keeps me both miserable yet hopeful. It's the perfect way to keep a person oppressed. I feel like I've read this somewhere, in stories of dystopian governments.

The idea that maybe next year is my year. Maybe one day things will be better. That I'm winning, I don't really know. Surviving? Yeah, I'm surviving. But I have to survive to be able to begin winning.

@Jude

It's odd, how I am not alone yet I feel completely alone... How do I bridge that misconnection, how do I begin feeling the reality, that I'm not alone? I try to help people here and there, always when I have the chance. But I'm sometimes reluctant because I think, how can I help them if I can't even help myself?
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#447321 - 09/15/13 10:20 PM Re: Insanity. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
It sounds like you are struggling with a number of obstacles some of which you have faltered upon in the past. But it doesn't matter how your first few, dozen, or even a hundred attempts went it only matters how the last one goes. I know this does not make it any easier I really do. Some days I feel like I am kidding myself with recovery, other days I feel like I am fighting a war on six fronts, still other days I am so emotionally fatigued I feel like I am at a stand still. Instead of telling you what I think might improve your situation may I ask what you think you can do, what actions you can take to make your a life a little better? I can recall William James, an American philosopher, once stated more or less that in matters of happiness it is best to amend our behaviors than our emotions because the former is much more within the realm of our will than the latter.

Regardless, please be patient with yourself and realize you deserve all the time it takes to recover. I am about three years in and I am only beginning to feel some semblance of serious progress although others might say differently. What others see and what we feel are not the same thing. You said,

"I can't recognize my emotions anymore. In therapy sessions I struggled when asked a simple question like, "How does that make you feel?" It just doesn't register."

You've, no doubt, been told this before but numbing ourselves is not an unusual approach to survival. Recognizing this truth and saying so does not improve the situation only time and recovery can accomplish that feat. I encourage you to keep with it, go to therapy, "repeat" your thoughts/feelings to us because you can be damn sure none of us are going to say "why can't he just let it go" one, two, or even ten years down the road.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#447412 - 09/16/13 10:52 PM Re: Insanity. [Re: CloudyFalls]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 306
My friend your brain is going into fail safe mode, it's shutting you down into a depression because otherwise you would truly regress into a psychotic state.
Think about all the issues you have to deal with..it is by no means an easy task..
You need to slow down.. And love yourself.
What is loving yourself? It means getting so close to all the negative things that are trying to kill you.. And realizing they are not your voice...
Empathize with your hurts.. Be a friend to yourself.
Let go of the pain..feel it all. And make good with it.
You need time off, go to the beach and enjoy a sunset, read poetry..take a chance on trying new things.
Boredom is a hugely dangerous state of being..
I'm sure millions of children have been raped out of some monster feeling bored..
About those death dealing thoughts.. That is not your voice.
It's your unconscious trying to get you to die.
It's a sad truth but CSA or any kind
Of abuse causes something called "negative introjects."
You internalize the negative and toxic ideas from the outside into within only to have them become a part of your like mind.
You must disidentify from this idea..don't let evil claim your life.
This is a reality all of us survivors must face.
To the extent we were abused.. That is how much evil is going to come again and again to try and kill us.
Weather that be through..suicidal thoughts, drinking, over masculine behaviors that place us in danger, high risk of disease transmitted illness due to sexual acting out, or boredom.
If you feel burdened and burned out its probably because you are.
You're not insane..you were just raped.
How else do you expect to feel?
It is real what you are going through,don't disbelieve it.
Find love in everything you do.
I know this is hard..but love yourself.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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