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#447156 - 09/14/13 12:44 AM And the funeral dream
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
I awoke to this morning was just bizarre. I have been thinking about death and life and death a bit the last few days. And one of the deaths I thought of was the abuser guy. I have been told it is really difficult for the survivor when their assailant dies. Especially when there is this confusing bond of knowing the person you loved was capable of harming you in humiliating ways, even fatal ways. And I dont post of it often at all, because one, I haven't come to terms with it, and two, I dont know how to come to terms with it.

But the dream... I awake and need my coffee. I am in a little village similar to district 13 from the Hunger Games. (Its my homeland, anyways). I bump into the female guardian of the village on my way to the canteen and she informs me not to go into the Chapel to drink my coffee... seriously. Into the Chapel to drink my coffee? Okay, so the village is very quiet, I get my coffee and want to step outside and enjoy it in the morning light in some special way. I walk down the street looking for a place to sit and notice people standing just outside- you guessed it- the Chapel.

I walk down the street, between the people standing outside, and walk up the steps into the Chapel. And yes, I am carrying my coffee cup. Slowly I open the doors and step into the dim light of the building, forgetting that the Chapel was forbidden to me this morning.

I am stunned when I look up and see a coffin in front of me, a funeral service under way, and people gathered around. I knew not the pastor or any of the people, they appeared as just jumbled images, but I sort of knew who was in the coffin. I remember being quite embarrassed. I backed out, closed the door behind me, turned and stepped down the steps, and back into the small gathering of the people outside. This group looks at me as if I have done some terrible wrong, but no one speaks or moves.... and I just think to myself... oops... I am not supposed to be here. So cup in hand, I continue in search for that special place to drink my morning coffee.

And then I woke up. Any ideas on interpreting this for me? And it could just be crazy me coming to fruition.

I hesitate to share something like this, but I did. I tried to feel out the T on the last visit on his views of dreams and angels and such, but he was pretty evasive. He wanted to know how far back into my childhood I had these thoughts.... and he wrote a lot.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#447174 - 09/14/13 10:57 AM Re: And the funeral dream [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3449
Loc: somewhere in Africa
yep, b

- it is difficult when an abuser dies - especially one who is a family member or friend of the family - and it is hard in many ways. if nothing was ever resolved to the survivor's satisfaction, there is the unfulfilled wish for confrontation or exposing him/her, the vain hope of apology and restitution, the fantasy of vindication of the survivor, the wish for accountability or punishment or revenge, and the sense that this very final and irrevocable event leaves you with no "closure" at all - just a dead end with no room to turn around. if the departed is loved and respected, there is the terrible sense of injustice that his death is being grieved - while the innocence and optimism and potential that died in us with his abuse has never been acknowledged and mourned by anyone but ourselves. often - if anyone else knows of the abuse, it is more strongly denied or minimized in order to honor the departed and we feel marginalized, discounted, devalued and victimized all over again.

to me, your dream is pretty straightforward. you want to have a happy, fulfilled and peaceful life - "I get my coffee and want to step outside and enjoy it in the morning light in some special way."

there is something you know you have to face or do before that can fully take place - "I walk down the street, between the people standing outside, and walk up the steps into the Chapel." and i think that since you are a spiritually sensitive man, the Chapel is not just a place for the funeral - but also represents the spiritual "place" you want to reach. the body in the coffin is not just the dead abuser - but a barrier to your feeling welcome and at home in the chapel - that spiritual state of mind or soul. you have the right to be there - but right now it is awkward.

the crowd is obvious - our society, your circle of acquaintances, possibly family members who may see you as an unwelcome reminder of the departed's flaws and sins and "blame the victim."

since in the dream you turn around and leave - it is like an admission that either you are not ready to finish the work - or that you know that there is more to do.

the female guardian is the tricky part, imho. i think it is significant that you called her a "guardian" - not a ruler or boss or other authority figure - but someone entrusted with the welfare of the residents. and female - probly because a male would have felt like more of a threat to you. this person could be your own subconscious - telling you to be careful in going there - revealing the essential information - but giving you mixed signals because you are not decided upon your own course of action. or it could be others who have your best interests at heart and don't want to see you hurt - or it could be popular thought - that says just don't go there - it is too unpleasant to dig up the past.

and you go there in spite of all the warnings - because you have no other choice. eventually - in order to find that special place to enjoy your life (coffee) your steps will lead you there.

anyway - whether i got it right or not, at least it might give you something to think about to reach your own conclusion.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#447196 - 09/14/13 03:32 PM Re: And the funeral dream [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Lee-

I appreciate your input and your interpretation of the dream. I hadn't connected it to the spiritual quest I had mentioned to you earlier. If you don't mind, I am going to copy and save this to read again. (and probably again and again and again). I read it this morning, and your words brought me to tears. I am not certain how someone I have never met face to face can look into my spirit like this. I find it amazing and astonishing. The things you said have never been uttered to another living soul, but things I have been thinking about for months and months. Thanks for reading and responding as you did.

bill
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#447198 - 09/14/13 03:47 PM ! [Re: ThisMan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:45 PM)

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#447199 - 09/14/13 04:07 PM Re: And the funeral dream [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3449
Loc: somewhere in Africa
good point, Gary!

bill - i am humbled and honored by your words of appreciation. sure, print it. just don't take it as a divine oracle - i am just another survivor. often we can put together others' puzzles better than our own.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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