Newest Members
0128, jeremywickers, JScott12, TMatti2, DaiseyLady
12502 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
asdude1981 (33), Avery46 (51), hans32 (46), jean-noel (49), Kirk (59), Kirk Wayne (59), Mechanical (21), OldTrafford (50)
Who's Online
2 registered (traveler, 1 invisible), 11 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12502 Members
74 Forums
64192 Topics
447957 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#446913 - 09/11/13 03:06 PM my lips are sealed (and I don't want them to be)
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 614
Loc: where the shadows lie
Feeling beat up about trying to share. Its probably over-sensitive of me, but there have been some incidents recently where I was trying my best to do the honest give-and-take sharing thing, and I feel like I got told I was doing a horrible job at it and so what I was saying was useless.

Its been very discouraging. Being told I'm not doing a good enough job at anything makes me just want to quit . . . especially when something is so hard to try in the first place. I wasn't under any obligation to share in the first place. So I don't think its fair for people to tell me that it is useless because I'm not being open enough. I think people should recognize my intention and recognize that none of us have any obligation to share anything at all. At the very least, just ignore me. Don't feel the need to grade my attempt.

So anyway, the real problem is ever since then I haven't wanted to share anything at all with anyone about anything. Its pretty much paralyzed me emotionally, back to just going through the motions like a robot.

How do I connect myself to my emotions again? How do I pry open my lips and start talking about real issues again?
_________________________


Top
#446917 - 09/11/13 03:25 PM Re: my lips are sealed (and I don't want them to be) [Re: Jacob S]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Why do you assume it is your problem not the problem of the person you are sharing with?

It strikes me your assuming a lot on the part of someone else. You can be yourself, share what is yours, nobody can expect anything else, especially you. Nobody has a right to share your emotions or experiences, or a right to grade them, however that goes for you equally, indeed myself when i learnt that I was my own worst crytic and that any judgements I made of myself were inevitably biased it felt considderably freeing. Perhaps this is something to think about.

A good friend of mine once shared a very personal none sa related secret with me about herself. When I fell into recovery, I told her I was ill and honestly asked if she wanted to know the reason. She refused, saying that she didn't want to change the way she thought of me.

this however was her decision, her volission and not mine, and I now recognize that whatever obligation I thought I had to her, was entirely of my own invention. I had an obligation as her friend to listen, not to judge, and to be as supportive as I could be, but I didn't have any obligations to share anything of mine which I didn't wish to.

I hope some of this helps, what you share with others, and how you cryticise that sharing yourself can be difficult.

Luke.

Top
#446919 - 09/11/13 04:44 PM Re: my lips are sealed (and I don't want them to be) [Re: Jacob S]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Jacob,

So sorry that happened to you. I know it takes a lot of effort sometimes to share and then to have someone make you feel like it wasn't good enough - ouch! Hopefully it wasn't with someone here at MS, in an environment where we all should know how hard it is to join and share some of this stuff.

I can feel the same way sometimes myself. The only times I don't feel that way when sharing here or with others is when I feel confident in myself. When I have that confidence about who I am and where I'm going I can take comments from others very well. When I don't have it I can take a comment from someone who meant the best and have it feel like they were stabbing me with a knife.

What Luke said about making assumptions makes a lot of sense. I think we can so easily project our own feelings of failure onto what others say and that's often NOT what they are trying to say at all.

How do you feel confident or see that your are projecting...hmm. Maybe just knowing about this stuff can help you.

Remember, you had to endure a lot more stuff to get this far so you have it in you to make it through this and to keep trying.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

Top
#446935 - 09/11/13 09:17 PM Re: my lips are sealed (and I don't want them to be) [Re: Jacob S]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL

Hi Jacob. I'm sorry to hear this happened. I hope it wasn't with a member of MS. As far as I'm concerned, I think I've seen you share some pretty personal and powerful stuff here. I can't imagine why your level of sharing wouldn't be "up to snuff" for someone. That said, there should really be no such thing as a persons degree of willingness to share not being adequate for another person, here or elsewhere. I have always said and believed that the the question, "how much and/or what should I share with the group?", is a question who's answer is different for everyone. The reason it's different for everyone is that no one should share anything they don't want to share, ever. Share what you are comfortable sharing, no more, no less, that's the only right answer to the question.

Like you, I have an incredibly strong compulsion to shut down emotionally and/or throw my hands up and quit when I feel like I'm being unfairly criticized or when someone makes me feel like what I'm doing isn't somehow good enough. I sincerely hope you can overcome feeling that way here though. If you were sharing at all, then that is enough for me and it should be enough for anyone here at MS. I think you're doing an awesome job here.

By the way, have you considered telling this person how they made you feel in perhaps an assertive and non-confrontational way? I understand if that's hard for you, because it's extremely hard for me, but it can be done and you may find that this person is apologetic or that perhaps you just took something he said the wrong way. Either way, I hope you break out of this emotional paralysis soon because you do not deserve to feel that way and I like what you contribute to MS. Take care. Peace,

Ken

Top
#446938 - 09/11/13 09:48 PM Re: my lips are sealed (and I don't want them to be) [Re: Jacob S]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 288
Loc: MO
Hello Jacob S.

I know lots of times when people think they are trying to be helpful they are just telling you you are not good enough. To confront them, inmy experience, is to give them another opportunity to justify why you are not good enough.

When we share we rarely share everything or disclose some of the more shameful details. Still others, who don't trust much anyway, see this as evasive. My opinion is that They are not good judges and should be ignored. After all, part of how I got into the feelings of shame and worthlessness, was believing them when they said I should have done this better or I wasn't doing enough or doing it the right way.

So I have decided to self disclose to people I want to let know about me and to ignore everyone else. This sometimes means I tell the same stories to the same people over and over again, since I know they can here me and will not judge.

Good Luck

We all have different stories and we all are just the same

Top
#446994 - 09/12/13 03:02 PM Re: my lips are sealed (and I don't want them to be) [Re: Jacob S]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 614
Loc: where the shadows lie
Thanks guys. I'm really struggling with knowing how much to share. One thing that happens A LOT is that because I am no good with emotions when I try to share what I feel other people hear it as an argument instead of a disclosure. I feel like Star Trek's Lt. Data.
_________________________


Top
#446999 - 09/12/13 03:25 PM Re: my lips are sealed (and I don't want them to be) [Re: Jacob S]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
I love Data.

You did a good job with your post here - I completely understood what you were saying. Don't stop trying.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.