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#446949 - 09/11/13 11:52 PM Did I Prostitute Myself?
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
A question thats been haunting me, and I've avoided thinking about it. I started drinking and drug use very early. My perp knew this and used alcohol and drugs to groom me, to make me dependant on him, and to weaken my defenses. I would pass out and wake up with him in my mouth. But did I have a role in this? Was I so desperate to get drunk and high that I was willing to trade my body for it? Was I really just a little whore who deserved what he got?

The thought makes me sick. I know all the reasons it supposedly wasn't my fault, but the reality that I got what I wanted out of it does not sit well. Strange to say it, but I would have prefered to have been sexually asaulted out of the blue, so there would be no question that I was the victim.

I thought I was past all this but......damn, here it is again.
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#446951 - 09/12/13 12:20 AM Re: Did I Prostitute Myself? [Re: Jude]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 598
Loc: VA
Jude:

I think all of us on this site continue to judge our younger selves in light of how we would act now. We continue to do this no matter how much we learn about what happened to us, what the impact has been, and what we need to do to get better.

The "I did x, y and z, so I wanted and deserved what happened" trap sounds to me like blaming a female rape victim because she went out in a sexy outfit--"she was asking for it." That's an ignorant judgment inflicted by others, and it's an outrage.

And as we all know, every time our minds start streaming those tunes, all we can do is try to change the channel. Peace!

John

p.s.: I =was= violently sexually assaulted out of the blue by a stranger--no grooming, enticement, threats or rewards, no other relationship. There's scant comfort in being sure I was a victim at age 6, but I'm in awe of the strength of the survivors here at MS who are dealing with many more--and more disturbing--issues than I do.

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#446957 - 09/12/13 02:22 AM Re: Did I Prostitute Myself? [Re: Jude]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Jude:

Every so often I struggle with that question: What role did I play in the assaults? Regardless of the answers I come up with, the strong stable ME overrides and says basically the following:

"I was the prey. I was sought out, groomed, set aside until the appropriate time and then I was assaulted."

As the little kid, the mid kid, the teen, and even as the adult. As long as the tears flow, as long as my heart aches for myself- and for you, because I did cry when I read your post- I know we were just bodies. Just bodies to take advantage of. One sided, sexually used.

I do not care what others say about behavior, needs, desires- we were victims of rape. It angers me to hear others try to explain my/our role in our own destruction.

And finally, after all these years, I will stand up for me/us and say, "No way, dude. I was a victim of various forms of rape. Do not blame me for an abuser's behavior. Do not blame me for being alive, for being a warm body, for being vulnerable."

I am telling you, it WAS NOT your fault. If anyone suggests it is, in whole or in part- in my humble but fervent opinion, it was not. No more than it was mine. There are several views with therapists that I have discovered that suggest in part or whole that the male victim is in part or whole responsible. They say we have a need, or we enjoyed the sex, etc. Have no part of it. It is a "blame the victim" mentality. It is the same mentality we have seen in the recent news articles discussed on MS in recent weeks regarding sentencing and remarks by the judges and political appointees.

I didn't mean to go off the far side, but this issue we all struggle with is the hardest issue I face with my own recovery.

I do not think you were responsible for passing out and waking up with him in your mouth. The same thing happened to me five years ago, substitute the alcohol with the anethesia. Same thing. It was not our fault. If it happened once, thrice, or a gazilllion times, it was not our fault.

(((((Jude)))))...... just a big friend hug, because I know you need it. NOT YOUR FAULT guy.

b
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#446969 - 09/12/13 10:02 AM Re: Did I Prostitute Myself? [Re: Jude]
takingitslow Offline


Registered: 09/12/12
Posts: 59
Loc: UK
TRIGGER warning.....

I can relate to this. Especially considering I was groomed and abused from 14-21 years old. The last few years when I was 19-21 I assume I was less attractive to my abuser because he 'liked' 14-15 year old boys and by the age of 19-21 I was doing less sexual things with him and demanding more money to fuel my gambling addiction. And I guess my perp didnt see me as 'value for money' as a hand job for 90 from a 19yr old is no way near as 'thrilling for that sick ****' as doing things to a 14 year old for 2 hours for like 10 in sweets and some fastfood when I was more vulnerable and there to be exploited.

So yeah I relate to the feeling shitty about how the abuse manifested itself later on as it went on a long time and I'm in a bad mood at the moment so this post is part vent and part not liking the reality of what happened when I would go to him do a sex act get 90 then lose it all gambling in 20mins then have to go see him again for more money the next day or few days later or whatever.

But these memories just help fuel my hatred for that man and help me keep it together and carry on in life when I'm at my rockbottom because I believe I can get him a prison sentence soon and although that means very little to my recovery the thought of crushing him does give me some satisfaction albeit seperate to recovery just towards my new outlook on life motto which is 'anyone wants to fuck with me they'll get fucked with back'.

Overall as a survivor we have the clearest understanding of motives/actions/sequence of events and I feel most comfortable talking about what happened to me when I was 14-16 than talking about the later stuff because ... well I dont know the exact reason but I guess it is a combination of anger at it going on for so many years, hating my lifestyle/ situation I was in, hating anything related to my gambling addiction, I can deal with judgement from other people but because my own personal belief is I couldnt stop the abuse at 14/15 but could have done something early than 22 years old when I took action it is an area which invokes more anger. + when I start getting angry then yeah it is a period where people may wish to avoid me as I get physically aggressive as well as very verbally harsh. This rambled on a bit I think because I re-triggered myself a bit thinking about the topic but I can deal with the triggers quite well now so I only get mega wound up for like 1 minute then it is reduced to slight agitation/ a more controllable level of anger where I dont express so outwardly and hostile to anyone near me. Yeah I have anger issues but what can you do.

Dan.

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#446985 - 09/12/13 01:25 PM Re: Did I Prostitute Myself? [Re: Jude]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
@Jude-

I wonder, if the abuse had never happened, would you have wanted, the alcohol ? The drugs ?

The abuse being something you did not control, - can you say _U_ wanted , the addiction ?
_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

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#446989 - 09/12/13 01:49 PM Re: Did I Prostitute Myself? [Re: Jude]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 327
Loc: Iowa, USA
Jude

Thank you for writing - I ask myself this all the time- "What role did I play? & Did I want it at some level?" I blame myself all the time for what happened. I look back now and I had all these opportunities to get away,and I didn't. I could have fought back, and I didn't. I ask myself why? It keeps coming back to me that at some level I wanted it. Especially the assault when I was in my early 30s. I go over in my mind all the time the events leading up to it. Like the first time he asked me if I masturbate or who was the last girl I slept with - I should have said - none of your goddamn business, but I didn't. I told him what he wanted to know. I asked him about his sex life. I went along with it and it kept getting more and more. I remember that voice inside me saying this is creepy, but I didn't want to appear like a nerd, so I kept it up, and the next thing I remember, I was being blackmailed and threatened with physical violence and then the abuse occurred. Who would have thought it could have occurred in a gym locker room. I wonder if I had never started on that chain of events, what would have happened.

So yeah, I feel shitty, and yeah I blame myself all the time. Those words keep coming back- It's my fault, It's my fault. It's not something i can just get over. Thanks for writing. It's good to know that I'm not the only one that feels like this.

DavO


Edited by DavoSwim (09/12/13 01:49 PM)

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#447004 - 09/12/13 05:04 PM Re: Did I Prostitute Myself? [Re: Jude]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Jude,

This question sure comes up a lot here. I think the most helpful thing is to realize that blame isn't relevant.

Blaming the abuser doesn't change anything. Blaming yourself doesn't change anything. What happened happened. It's in the past. It's history, and the problems of healing are problems of managing memory. Blaming just inflames anger, and unless you're in the process of pressing charges, I can't see how it can be useful.

So I think getting rid of the idea of blame is part of the healing process.

If you are currently blaming yourself, I'd suggest just saying, "At this point in my healing, it doesn't really matter who did what, it just matters that I'm dealing with it now. I have the strength to take charge of my own life."

It may take a lot of repetition for that to sink in, but it seems the healthiest way to move forward to me.

For some reason we all have this urge to revisit the abuse over and over again in memory, and because of this the blame issue comes to life over and over again. Part of the healing is letting go of all these repetitions.

I hope this is helpful,

Danny

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#447078 - 09/13/13 05:39 AM Re: Did I Prostitute Myself? [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Thanks for all your input guys. I was just having one of those low points in the rollercoaster ride we call "recovery".

I KNOW that no matter what I did, said, or felt at the time, I was a kid. He was an adult. There were natural boundries that were violated by his choice, not mine. YES I wanted the alcohol and drugs. I was an incipient alcoholic. YES I wanted the attention of an adult. I got none from my alcoholic parents. YESI was awestruck that he thought I was a cool kid, and let me hang out with him. YES I probably would have done whatever he asked, IF HE HAD ASKED, just to keep his friendship. But forced or not, it was his responsibilty to respect the boundry that says "adults don't have sex with kids". I was already one fucked up kid, unable to make healthy or intelligent choices. And he used that fact to get what he wanted from me.

No, I didn't prostitute myself. I was just a kid looking for someone to care, like me, and to get high with. If I had known that he was going to change the direction of my life for the worse, I would have run like hell. But thats just me wishing I could rewrite history.

Thanks again for caring enough to write. You all give me strength.

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

Top
#447116 - 09/13/13 11:46 AM Re: Did I Prostitute Myself? [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3379
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Jude - i think you got it right this time!

sorry - i couldn't reply earlier because i was too seriously triggered and confused to know what to say - but this is what i'd have wanted to say - and what i needed to hear, as well.

thanks for bringing it up - and seeing it through.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#447158 - 09/14/13 12:48 AM Re: Did I Prostitute Myself? [Re: Jude]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1308
...


Edited by Chase Eric (11/21/13 08:40 PM)
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