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#446987 - 09/12/13 01:44 PM To my husband
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Dear MS Husband,

Happy 15th Wedding Anniversary. I remember the day we got married I couldn't have been happier. I had absolutely no doubt you were the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I even thought, "what's wrong with me??? shouldn't I be nervous?" I just wasn't. I walked down the aisle with a big fat smile on my face and felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world. I didn't get married because I had always dreamed of a big wedding, (the big wedding was your idea), I was in my 20's so my biological clock was making me do it, and I was one of the first of all my friends to get married so it wasn't like I was afraid I was going to be left behind. I got married because I never felt more love or safety with anyone in my whole life. Ironic isn't it?

We have three beautiful children and I wouldn't change a thing because they are amazing and a piece of both of us. We laughed a lot and until the abuse and sex addiction took hold I think we had a chance. Even after it all blew up if you had surrendered and if the lies had stopped there we would have had a chance but they didn't and it wasn't one lie it was many. It wasn't one drink it was many.

Now this will be our last anniversary married and we don't live together now. it's been a long three years and I my heart is broken. I didn't leave because you cheated and I don't think you're damaged (even if you think you are). I refuse to think that. I am leaving because your words don't match your actions. I know you are actively working on your healing and I pray and hope someday you find peace. I can't allow you to continue to leave me with a feeling of hopelessness, and you do. When you lie, drink and aren't dependable I feel hopeless. It's a terrible feeling worse than the feeling of losing you and trust me the thought of losing you hurts. It's funny huh? How can it hurt to lose something I never had and I don't believe I ever really had you. I wonder what your ability to love is? Regardless I will love you even if you aren't my husband but I will not let you bully me emotionally anymore. I hope and pray that you continue to heal everyday.
Love,
Your Wife

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#447031 - 09/12/13 09:29 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 703
Loc: NJ
((Gretta))

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#447038 - 09/12/13 09:48 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
I hear you Gretta and I get it as I am sure a lot of the wives on here do.

You are a strong woman. God has many good things in store for you, my friend.

I totally relate to that feeling of being the luckiest girl in the world. I was there too. Unfortunately, it was all just a farce in so many ways. The person portrayed to me never existed.

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#447044 - 09/12/13 11:00 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
I am sorry for your situation. As a survivor I believe when your husband married he married you for love. It was not a farce but rather the demons of the past are sometimes too strong. Sadly, it effected your love for him. As you said, he is trying to heal. We all heal at a different pace and how we respond. But the reality is the abuse leaves him damaged and a relationship is sometimes not to be. I am sad for you, but your strength and long term support shows you are a remarkable woman-you stood by until you realized and accepted it could not be. I know you will survive and I wish you a happy, healthy and productive life. Many of the survivors would kill to have had a woman like you to stand by them and support them on their healing journey. Some survivors would have healed differently and the words and actions would have matched. But it is not always this way. For me, I was in a different situation, no support but found support outside--she has helped me to heal and to be the man I was meant to be. It is unconditional and we will see how we move forward. I know you will find a person to give you what you need.

I guess you can see I admire you for your strength and support of your soon to be former husband--you can always say you stood by--for better or worse and did not throw in the towel when you learned of the abuse and betrayal. You tried and that is what love is about. You did not let others tell you what was right for you--you tried to make it work. Be proud of yourself.

Keep well and be happy.

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#447076 - 09/13/13 05:06 AM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Thank you, thankfully the day is over and I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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#447118 - 09/13/13 12:42 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
The question has come up from time to time here on MS should I tell the person I am dating or marrying that I have been abused and the answer is YES!!! My 20 year old self wouldn't have ran even if I should have but when odd and bad behavior reared it's ugly head I would have liked to think I would have realized the seriousness of it all. They weren't just drunk ourbursts and porn was WAY more serious than I thought.

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#447121 - 09/13/13 01:54 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
Easier said thsn done. Survivors have been conditioned to silence from the onset of the abuse. Many abusers tell the victim it is a secret and if you tell harm will come to someone. The victim learns to bury the secret and fears telling. It is not easy for the victim to face the past and for many the memories are buried so deep and are not available for sharing. But when one is healing and feels safe the secret will be told. It would be ideal to tell but for the victim the mind may not be ready. For me today I do tell of the past to people in my life. I am healing and now know the feeling of being safe.

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#447126 - 09/13/13 03:35 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 187
Loc: Canada
Hey Gretta,

I don't need to tell you about the effects of abuse on person, it seems you've experienced it first hand.
You post has me feeling sad though, both for you and your soon to be ex, and I must say I am worried for him, as I would be for myself if I were in the same position.

I am lucky enough to still have my wife with me, although lord knows she may have been better off if she had left long ago.

I was, and still am a tortured soul. She knows most of my story, as I try to protect her from the "gory details" at least those I remember.

I don't think she really understands, but I think it's better that way.
It's bad enough those memories are in my head, let alone hers as well.
I am in a much better place now, becoming aware of all the effects this has had on me, and continue trying to heal
But I must say I feel a little deluded that I think I am doing pretty well.

I am sure you did your best, held on for as long as you could, but at some point you have to save yourself. I get it, I kind of always have.

Keep well and I hope you can find happiness
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#447251 - 09/14/13 11:34 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Adam, CSA is one part of my husband. He is a product of two crazy dynamics, a sexually abusive father and an over compensating mother. He was spoiled rotten on one side and abused on the other. Never held responsible for anything he ever did. He was called the "king". His sisters had to pick up his clothes, had to run his bath and clean it when he was done. CSA was just one piece of the whole situation. I am only seeing it now but I don't think right now he has the ability to love, Sad for me I missed it but God knows his ability to pretend was beyond what I could imagine. I am good and loyal and unfortunately loved him beyond belief. I know it's hard to believe but the CSA part we could have survived but the Part that made it impossible was how spoiled he was/is.

Don't under estimate that you are indeed doing well. You are not deluding yourself you may actually be happy. Believe you deserve to be happy;). And don't think she would be better without you. If she wanted she would have been gone already. She is there and she knows enough to know she wants to stay, (she might not understand everything but does she loves you) Stuff is going to come up but stay with your program and get through it one day at a time.

Thank you
Gretta

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#447347 - 09/16/13 09:17 AM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
Originally Posted By: Gretta
The question has come up from time to time here on MS should I tell the person I am dating or marrying that I have been abused and the answer is YES!!!

I agree with all my heart. My husband told me very soon after we met and it was the right decision. I would have felt both betrayed and manipulated if I had found out later that he delierately kept something with such enormous impact on our lives from me.

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#447352 - 09/16/13 11:25 AM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 761
Loc: michigan
just to chime in Gretta and hope.
I was 5 years into my marriage before I told my wife anything, and MUCH longer before I told the rest as I know it. I didn't intentionally hide it in the sense that I was keeping it from HER I simply kept it from EVERYONE it was NOT up for discussion period. 5 years later things were pretty strained mostly from stupid actions and violent outbursts( I never hit her though) just caused her to fear. I just want to say so often this crap doesn't make sense to ME either and I cant even promise to react the same way every time. I am sorry that it didn't work out Gretta I just was hoping you didn't think it was intentional.I expect it wasn't for me I wanted to keep this all AWAY from my family I didnt want it to pollute their lives too. There are still secrets between my wife and I that she doesn't know and now we are at 27 years together. it is not that I don't trust her but it changes things it ALWAYS changes things and I never wanted it to be her burden.
just my thoughts
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#447357 - 09/16/13 12:27 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Originally Posted By: Gretta
The question has come up from time to time here on MS should I tell the person I am dating or marrying that I have been abused and the answer is YES!!!


It's not really that simple. I was told very early in my relationship with my H, but he told it in such a straightforward, nonchalant way that it came across to me that this confident, charismatic person had something horrible happen to him and he overcame it.

It was only much, much later that I was able to string together all the signs: suicidal thoughts, fear of children, cutting, affairs, and extreme porn use as a comprehensive picture of the effect his CSA had on him. I couldn't have understood that 13 years ago, even 5 years ago.

Knowing what I know now, I am not sure I would have stayed. I do know I would have done/handled things so very differently. But that is only with the full knowledge of CSA is and its life long effects. And really, who could possible know this casually??

Someone wrote in this forum recently that they think their H is with them only out of a sense of safety. Boy did that ring bells with me. I know my husband loves me, but I too wonder if it isn't really only of out a sense of comfort. I am not sure I am loved in the way I deserve to be loved. I consider that a separate issue though. CSA is not responsible for all the things that have gone wrong in this marriage.

So, circling back, yes, I think CSA survivors should tell as soon as they are able, but even that knowledge up front doesn't necessarily do anything for the spouse/partner. It does, however tend to amplify all the other typical problems of a relationship.

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#447358 - 09/16/13 12:33 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Newground everyone is different and I hear what you are saying. The question has come up from time to time on discussion boards and I think if you are aware, it's a good idea to let the person you are marrying know. If they can't handle it, they can't handle it. Its better to know from the start. I don't know how much my husband knew or didn't know when we got married. He said the memories started about 7 years ago. I have no reason not to believe him.

I wish he had trusted me enough to tell me when it first started to happen. I feel like things would have been different. To much water under the bridge now.

My husband had violent out bursts and was mostly not physical but to this day I live in fear of him when he's angry. It's not even like it happened that many times but enough to make me fearful. It's hard to live in fear. Since he quit drinking I do feel safer.

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#447381 - 09/16/13 06:28 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
Remember many victims do not trust themselves. We can harbor guilt and believe we allowed the abuse to happen. If we cannot trust ourselves we cannot trust others. Since I have accepted the abuse and accept I was not responsible for what happened because I was a child I am able to share what happened. I trust myself and being in this state keeps me in the present and not escaping to an unknown place. Love of self is empowering and victims lack the ability to love who they are.


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#447475 - 09/17/13 03:40 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Awesome post KMC. Sometimes even that lack of trust feels so personal, it all does at times.

I know we all hav discussed this so many times.......how we would have liked to be told before marriage. The truth is for me, I would have been ok, cool, lets get married anyway. I wouldn't have possibly have known what it meant and how it would show it's ugly head and take over so much of our lives. I think I would have been totally na´ve (and I am much too old to be na´ve) If my husband would have said oh yea, I am an alcoholic too. I would have said cool, just quit and we will be fine. (all wrong, quitting doesn't take the issues away that got him there). If he would have told me "oh yea, I am a sex addict too" I would have thought that meant he would want to have sex with me every day and I would have been okay with that. I just wouldn't have known what any of it meant. Of course, if he would have told me the whole truth and what it all meant and how it played out in his everyday life, I would have run. The financial crap, the lies, the sexual acting out (in extgremely dark dark ways) are things that I would have never been able to grasp anyway but it sure would have been appreciated so I could at least have had the opportunity to make educated, informed decisions about my life.

I can't imagine my husband saying I was raped as a child. This is how it plays out in my life..... I am very in debt from my drinking which I have been hiding from you all these years and I am a sex addict addicted to masturbation prostitutes anonymous acting out, phone sex etc etc. that is the truth. that would have allowed me to make good informed decisions about my life but it didn't happen that way at all. for that I am sad and angry.

My point is if you are going to tell befor you marry, it is important to tell all. Otherwise, we might not GET it and what it means.

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#447476 - 09/17/13 04:27 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 761
Loc: michigan
hey again
I am so totally on your side in this. Although I am ashamed to say there seems no resolution really, I am beginning to grasp the abuse, its effects on me,what that means in my life and my families life and unfortunately that continues to mean hiding some parts of me that shame me. T told me that the message in that is "I don't trust you with my stuff" maybe that is the truth I don't know, but what I know is I want it to go away. I have always wanted that. I don't want to share it hell,I don't want it myself! and I don't even know exactly what "it" is. My heart breaks for you all in this,for US all, and I wish it were different with all I have. I just wanted to let you know, I do agree with you it would be best to lets someone know first... I'm just not sure its possible.


Edited by newground (09/17/13 04:30 PM)
Edit Reason: typos
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#447498 - 09/17/13 10:26 PM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
I realize the obstacles to being honest and opening yourself up to someone. I just try and think what could we have done to NOT get to his point? if he told me sooner I could have had a keener eye to his bad/strange behavior. I just hope that if someone younger starting a relationship considers letting their wife to be in on some of the secret it might help them in the long run. All the info is overwhelming on everyone but an idea is not a bad idea.

I guess what I find sad is that I don't know If I ever really knew him and if he ever really loved me. Again this is as much an issue of how he was raised as his abuse. Our marriage falling apart was not just the abuse. laugh

Thank you survivors for your input. It feels good to hear your input

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#447518 - 09/18/13 08:26 AM Re: To my husband [Re: Gretta]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 761
Loc: michigan
hey gretta
I cant speak for your husband, but if he is anything like me and many I have talked to, he loves you more than you can imagine. I cant even describe the fear I had in beginning a relationship with my wife.I don't to this day really know why she chose to be with me but she saved my life. I was soooo terrified of so many things and while I tried to hide my frustration even then it was a battle worse than anything I had up to then but I wanted to be with her and I wanted it to work I do love her. even though my head goes nuts sometimes I know that much.
hope that helps
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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