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#446920 - 09/11/13 06:32 PM Out of body experience
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
I just bought and have started to read 'Joining Forces', I have the kindle version and I am reading it on my iPad.
Being able to read this book on an electronic device is amazing. I can take it with me, and no one knows what I'm reading, it's perfect. I wish my other books were also available this way. But I digress.
While just getting to the introduction; Begining the Healing Process, Dr Fradkin describes how he will ask the reader to check inside themselves, and without being aware I was, I guess I was doing just that.
What had occurred to me is that, every recollection I have of my CSA, I see like a movie inside my head. I see it, not from my perspective, but as a third person. I can't help but ask myself if this is similar to descriptions I've read from others, how they left themselves.
As if seeing their attack from above.
My problem, is that I only remember what happened leading up to my attack, nothingness, and then it's like I was awoken from darkness.
Yet even this visual to me is not from my own eyes. I see myself, as if looking into my own face.
If you experienced an out of body dissociation during your attack, was this what it was like?
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#446928 - 09/11/13 08:35 PM Re: Out of body experience [Re: Adam A Gedman]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 97
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Adam:

I would describe my recollection of the abuse incident in the same words you have.

I felt like I was dissociating from my body. Like if it wasn't happening to me. It's like seeing a movie, taken from above.

As an adult, looking back, my interpretation is that my mind didn't know what to make of what was happening. I didn't like what was happening, I felt totally uncomfortable, but I couldn't run away, I couldn't get away from the abuser who had me by the waist of my shorts.

_________________________
Jay

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#446934 - 09/11/13 08:59 PM Re: Out of body experience [Re: Adam A Gedman]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 225
Loc: California
I have seen it in a very similar way, as a movie. My memories first started just coming in flashes. Like a movie frame flashing, then flashing out. Over time, the flashes got longer and longer. They always seem like a movie trailer or a movie montage to me, sometimes multiple flashes of scenes happening right on top of each other.

The point of view is always outside of my body too. Sometimes it is above the room as you say. Like a camera is pointing down. It is slightly behind the face of the perp, so I can't see his face. Other times, it is an extreme closeup, of some random part of the perp's body (arm, chest, etc.), or of something that I am looking at, like a wrinkled sheet, a wall, or even the camera that was filming it. But, some of closeups are "impossible" meaning that if I see a closeup of the camera, it is like I am less than an inch away from it, even though I know I was across the room.

One other odd thing about my memories and flashbacks is that sometimes they are tinted completely red, like a film negative, or like they do in horror films. Not sure what is going on with that.
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#446941 - 09/11/13 10:39 PM Re: Out of body experience [Re: Adam A Gedman]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1753
Adam

I always knew the abuse happened but I always seen it from above, the child looked like me but I was watching. I could see what was happening but do not remember feeling anything. It was like a movie. But when the memories returned it was like looking at snapshot and as the memories continued to control it became a slow motion movie and ultimate a full feature where everything was so vivid. I was not always there.

My entire life has been like this. In stressful and hurtful situations I would being seeing the hurt inflicted on me from outside of me. I would blank and time would pass. I would return, sometimes minutes later, other times in strange places, other times hours missing and after much torment later in life after the memories took over my life for days. I can remember the triggers beginning with the days in the church cellar to my own home. But no longer do other control and I have found without any emotional stress my life is improving. Therapy, support groups are helping me to live int the now and not to retreat to a place I do know.

It is real, we do leave and ultimate return. Your sense of leaving is real to those who have lived it--many will look at you as though it is a lie, but they have not lived the abuse.

I am glad you made this post, because it is so real to CSA victims and it is so hard to explain to others. Thank you.

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#446943 - 09/11/13 11:06 PM Re: Out of body experience [Re: Adam A Gedman]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Hey J & T

Thanks for offering your recollections and feelings about them

For me, I see from mostly my periphery.
Just in front, to the left or right, and below face level.
Also behind and only over my right shoulder.
Otherwise directly into my face, a couple of feet away.

And although I see over my right shoulder, directly towards the attacker,
I cannot see his face.
I didn't know the attacker, and cannot describe a single feature about him.



Edited by Adam A Gedman (09/11/13 11:06 PM)
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#446946 - 09/11/13 11:23 PM Re: Out of body experience [Re: Adam A Gedman]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 619
Loc: VA
Adam: [TRIGGERS!]

My CSA episode that the flashbacks are about was violent and occurred in a bed at summer camp. The FBs (and the lasting memories) weren't like videos, but instead were odd little sensory fragments, like being hit on the right ear. (I won't tell any more, to avoid more triggers.) They were like the proverbial jigsaw puzzle pieces that suddenly make sense of the picture when added.

As for "out of body," during the episode I decided to escape by sinking through the bed into a black space, like going underwater, while the violence happened above me, on the surface.

Through all the years, most of the time I've felt absent, not really there, not a real person, etc. When I was a kid (don't know whether it started before or after the CSA) I wondered if I was a robot, because I sure didn't feel like a real person. Like the kid in "Perks of Being a Wallflower," I didn't think anybody noticed me--nor did I expect them to.

In different mixtures and strengths, all these feelings seem to be routine among CSA survivors.

John

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#446948 - 09/11/13 11:35 PM Re: Out of body experience [Re: Adam A Gedman]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
Hey KMCINVA,

I'd come to think that my mind shut down to protect me,
as I have no recollection of anything beyond being urged to roll over.

Then, at some point the attacker covered my mouth and nose with both hands.
I assume that I was running out of oxygen, as my recollection begins again as I am trying to pry his hands away from my mouth and struggling for air.
Then acquiescing following an implied threat of more of the same.

I have never disassociated any other time to my recollection. Not for any great time. I am reading of how drifting away, getting sleepy or losing track during a conversation, is equated to disassociation as a defense mechanism.
If this is the case, I have disassociated a great deal more than I was aware of.

Thanks for offering your experience
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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