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#446747 - 09/09/13 08:31 PM noob
kasper Offline


Registered: 09/08/13
Posts: 15
hi

my t says i don't say much/don't say enough so- here i am...

i mean, i'd rather just shove everything into the dark corners of my mind and maybe pretend that it never happened. not to me. yeah... i'd rather do that than talk about it. but i guess that's not how this works. it doesn't fix itself on its own like i've been hoping it would through the power of indifference and denial. i guess the flashbacks, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, and compulsions to hurt myself have kinda made that a little clearer.

well, i'm hella nervous/unsure/terrified about all of this online support community business, but i was told this~~ might help me, you know, understand things... vent... not feel so alone... solve all my problems... ... jk. mayhaps i will post poetry and read things. hard to know how to start after i post this message...


Edited by kasper (11/04/13 07:28 PM)

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#446757 - 09/09/13 09:30 PM Re: noob [Re: kasper]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
good start, kasper! and once you take the first step - the rest is not quite so scary.

i tried the whole denial and repression and forget about it route, too. didn't work. actually just made it worse.

so i tried T and this MS forum and reading and writing a lot - and that has all helped. hope you find the same.

anyway - welcome. you are among friends who will understand almost anything you say. these guys have been my lifeline.

hope to see you around,
lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#446760 - 09/09/13 11:03 PM Re: noob [Re: kasper]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 182
Loc: Canada
Hey kasper,
Welcome to MS.
I get terrifying, as well. My Therapist suggested group a few months ago and I was in no way interested in that kind of humiliation.
I found MS and figured it was pretty close to the same thing. I dove in and pretty much haven't turned back. Maybe group is in my future after all.
I visit everyday, or night, and have become a little fixated on getting some feedback. Some validation, some acknowledgement, ultimately some empathy and understanding from those who truly understand.

Great start, we get it, because we were right where you are now.

Do what feels right for you, read, post some if it feels right.
I am sure you will find the same support I and everyone here has.

Keep well
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#446777 - 09/10/13 12:37 AM Re: noob [Re: traveler]
kasper Offline


Registered: 09/08/13
Posts: 15
hi lee, and thanks. i need to get rid of my habit of denying, diminishing, downplaying, and acting indifferent about what happened.

anyway, i'm hopeful that this forum can help me acknowledge and vent the feelings i have long denied myself.

thanks again for being so welcoming.



Edited by kasper (11/04/13 07:28 PM)

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#446780 - 09/10/13 01:05 AM Re: noob [Re: Adam A Gedman]
kasper Offline


Registered: 09/08/13
Posts: 15
hi adam. i know what you mean by: "no way interested in that kind of humiliation." not only do i want to avoid ppl putting the story with the face, but the anxiety and panic make it near impossible to get me in that kind of setting to talk about that kind of stuff. i can't even keep it straight around my t and my (adoptive) fam. that's why my t suggested a forum like MS.

so far, since i use writing as a way to vent any way, it feels like a better fit for me.

thanks for all the supportive words.

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#446784 - 09/10/13 03:03 AM Re: noob [Re: kasper]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome!
Good for you for reaching out.
I hope you find some benefit here!
It helps me!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#446789 - 09/10/13 07:12 AM Re: noob [Re: kasper]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1466
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: kasper
..... i'd rather just shove everything into the dark corners of my mind and maybe pretend that, oh, it never happened.
Welcome kasper! Yeah, we've all been there. In my case it took 43 years of denial to come to a point of realizing that many of my adult "issues" stem from what was kept in that dark corner. Early on, someone told me that "sexual abuse happens in secret, but healing happens out loud". However painful it may be to face it all and talk about it, it seems to be the only way to recovery and getting a life today.

Keep up the good work amn.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#446794 - 09/10/13 08:28 AM Re: noob [Re: kasper]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 741
Loc: michigan
hey kasper
I just need to repeat what the others have said man I fought off telling and"reaching out" for 48 years still struggle with isolating and trying it on my own. It is frightening in the beginning... hell all the way through so far but like others have said I finally realize that the other way was never going to work. so as hard as it can be, just keep at it man. good thing is YOU set the pace and you decide what is safe. congratulations on taking the first step.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#446795 - 09/10/13 08:32 AM Re: noob [Re: kasper]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Hi Kasper, welcome to MS. I relate so much to what you posted; hard to talk, want to push it down and make it go away, panic attacks, flashbacks, etc. You will find a lot of people here get it too. We all have our own stories and different spins on what we went through and how we deal, but we share so many of the same hurts too. I came here just over a year ago. Was not in T, and felt totally lost, so started here and am moving forward now. Have a T and can talk to friends here when this stuff gets confusing. In this last year it's made a huge difference for me, and a good one. I know you can find friends here and people who will listen when you need to vent or talk or ask questions. Welcome to the site brother!
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#446802 - 09/10/13 09:20 AM Re: noob [Re: kasper]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1540
Kasper

Welcome. You are taking a major step in healing. Support is important as is talking about the abuse and past. But move and talk at a pace that you are comfortable with. You must feel safe.

On line is one support system as are live support groups. You may have one in your area. I have two groups SNAP and a second for men who suffered child sexual abuse. All have helped me. On line gave me the opportunity to vent or share at a moment when I felt comfortable or had the need to share. You will know what will work for you as you begin to share.

Welcome and the group here is for you. Support is unconditional.

Kevin


Edited by KMCINVA (09/10/13 09:49 AM)

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