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#446513 - 09/05/13 01:55 PM Re: Personal complements [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1895
Loc: durham, north england
Well I have no idea how you "chase girls" as it is. all the people I know who have had successful relationships basically became friends, or at least had a friendly meeting, and then something weerd happened between them and they weren't friends anymore, though what that is I don't know. Again, if someone would just be honest the way men are always expected to to be to girls.


There are of course people who basically walk into night clubs, jiggle around for a bit then go off to do something physical, but that is vastly different from actually having a propper relationship, indeed with my genophobia I find that idea rather disgusting.

Regarding complements, well on physical appearence I just tend to take them as exactly what they say. Indeed, as I have a bit of a thing for wearing button up shirts with dragons on them (often brightly coloured), I tend to get comments anyway from people of both genders. uncomfortable, but ultimately meaningless.

Heck, people always comment that Ilook much younger than I actually am, though again, meaningless.

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#446520 - 09/05/13 04:50 PM ! [Re: dark empathy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:38 PM)

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#446534 - 09/05/13 11:21 PM Re: Personal complements [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1895
Loc: durham, north england
Well 80's boy, why do you believe people lie? I myself had a recourse with my worthlessness. if someone complemented me, it was because they! were an exceptionally nice and kind individual, who had the great patience and decency to tolerate the burden that was me!

However uncomfortable praise felt, I always associated it with the goodness of the person doing the praising.


Since I have learnt to misstrust that perception of myself, I am much less comfortable with complements, maybe because I'm less sure about them now.

now that I think about it, another thing I sort of realise is that my view of complements has changed drastically over time.

As an especially intelligent child, complements were common, at least until I got to boarding school. Then, because I was the outsider and the one who didn't obey the rules the teachers used every excuse to tell me what I was doing wrong, I thus used being successful as a weapon, since I loved winning that little game and seeing someone who really didn't want to, be forced to tell me I had got an answer right.

Then of course at secondary school, complements changed to insults, and doing well was another reason I got insulted, indeed thinking back I actually came to welcome insults, since verbal insults were better than physicaal or s/xual ones. Indeed back when i was a teenager if my parents, someone talking about music or anyone else complemented me I felt nothing, I didn't relate it to myself at all, it was external, a manifestation of that person's goodness, since anything complementary applied to me was me being arogant.

In fact one nasty thought I have now is that a frequent message during my abuse was "you thik your fucking better than us but your not"

so that probably explains why this came up now, questioning my beliefs, which I suppose is a good thing.

I wonder 80's boy what the belief you actually have about people lying is.

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#446581 - 09/06/13 05:00 PM ! [Re: dark empathy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:43 PM)

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#446586 - 09/06/13 07:47 PM Re: Personal complements [Re: dark empathy]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Gary, I have the feelings and thoughts you expressed in the last paragraph pretty often. If I receive the compliment, I graciously accept it or turn it into a joke. But quietly I am thinking... what the f@ck is this going to cost me? My time, my money, or my body.... Or as you said, is it an entrapment as a prelude to a joke.

But we are worthy of compliments. Tons of them. And like you guys, I share compliments when I wish with whom I wish with no ulterior motive. It is how I share some goodness in life.

But the greatest thing is disturbs me are the people who are so pleasant and in the midst of wonderfully sharing their compliments THEY INADVERTANTLY TOUCH ME! Either by accident or on purpose. A compliment accompanied by touch send my sensories into overload..... like.... oh, my God. Even at my age, every defense mechanisms known to my being is activated.

Back to you guys... Dark... I downloaded the short clip, but can't access. I suggest you accept the compliments with an open mind because you more than likely deserve them. On your gift of voice, your appearance, your mannerism, and certainly the way you present yourself to the world. You seem to be just a genuine, sincere guy. People like that.

Gary, you deserve your compliments as well. We have followed you for quite a while, and there is not one negative I could find if I wanted. I even liked the fact that you kept your shoes spotless when you hiked along the river on your trip to Vermont.

It is difficult for us as survivors to acknowledge how truly splendid we have become as men. And most of us have. We have social skills, intuition, empathy, and a depth of love most men will never have. We are intuned to our being and strive to do our best (and beyond). Maybe one day, we will realize how truly special we are simply because we survive... because we exist. You guys are great, this is a great thread, and accept the compliment as genuine with nothing expected in return.

b


Edited by ThisMan (09/06/13 07:49 PM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#446588 - 09/06/13 08:12 PM Re: Personal complements [Re: dark empathy]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
I saw your video, DE... it was splendid. You deserve every compliment you have or will ever receive. Tremendous, my man, just tremendous.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#446615 - 09/07/13 07:38 AM Re: Personal complements [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1895
Loc: durham, north england
@tm, thanks, though again, I can't really say much else, heck, I can't bare to listen to any of my own performances (something which has caused arguements with my mum), though in fairness I don't know how much of this is surviver related or how much is simply related to being a singer, since my singing teacher is exactly the same.

You bring up a point with touch and complements, I'd never really clicked how often the two go together, probably because I dislike touch so intensively I barely notice the complement, indeed one of the things which really irritates me about people's attitudes vs disability is a lot of people assume that because I have a disability, I have no right to personal space, and as well as all the unwanted so called "help" which people attempt to give, occasionally I'll get people treating me like a small child, touching my shoulders, arms, hands or back (yck), while saying something which may or may not be condescending "you did very well" for instance.

I don't know why people feel the need to do this, but it is pretty horrible, sinse it feels demeaning and belittling, as if I'm being treated like a small child or a pet who needs a pat on the head, as well as triggering all those nasty memories.


@Garry, the alteria motives thing makes sense and goes very much along with hyper vigilance. While that is not personally my experience I can imagine quite easily that it could be extremely hard to deal with.

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