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#44652 - 06/24/03 03:43 PM Defining Your Sexual Abuse
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
What is sexual abuse? Mic Hunter writes,
"But I am not writing about data or evidence in the legal sense. I am writing about people and their pain. My definition is based on what people have told me hurt them." (Abused Boys, pp 4 & 5).

Bottom line: If someone has been hurt & says they have been hurt by the sexual behaviors of others, they have by definition been sexually abused. Period.
So what do you say? What is your definition as a male survivor of sexual abuse?

For starter help, here is the list (not meant to be complete but it is comprehensive) from Mic Hunter originally posted in the thread "Why Define
Sexual Abuse?" at http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=1&t=002130#000022 :

Quote:
According to Mic Hunter, sexual abuse (of children; also applies to anyone in a position of relative powerlessness in relation to someone else) can include:


  • The adult sexually touching the child
  • Having the child touch the adult sexually
  • Photographing the child for sexual purposes
  • Sexualized talk
  • Showing the child pornographic materials or making them available to the child
  • Making fun of or ridiculing the child's sexual development, pereferences, or organs
  • The adult exposing his or her genitals to the child for sexual gratification
  • Masturbating or otherwise being sexual in front of the child
  • Voyeurism
  • Forcing overly rigid rules on dress or overly revealing dress
  • Stripping to hit or spank, or getting sexual excitement out of hitting
  • Verbal and emotional abuse of a sexual nature
  • Having the child be sexual with animals
  • Engaging the child in prostitution
  • Witnessing others being sexually abused

("Abused Boys" pp 8 & 9)
You may copy & paste this list to your own post in this thread, add to it as you may need to and respond to the ones that apply to you.

Please don't share anything you're not ready to share, and please be aware this exercise could be triggering. But it could well be worth it.

You may want to read the thread "Why Define Sexual Abuse?" (link above) before doing this exercise. This exercise could be very important for each of us & all of us in naming, disclosing & overcoming our SA.

The next post will be an example of this exercise originally posted by Ron in "Why Define Sexual Abuse?" and copied here to get us started...

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#44653 - 06/24/03 03:50 PM Re: Defining Your Sexual Abuse
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
[This post by Ron aka Sans Logos copied here with permission by moderator Waumei aka Victor. Thanks Ron for the inspiration! \:\) ]

Friends, [>>>>>>TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!]

We need to share the details of our abuse most especially in arenas such as these where concerned parties are watching and gathering info for use in support of our progressive recoveries.
These parties, our saviors, have the power to help us change the course of events which transpired from our having been victimized, and to take that info, synthesize it into a public plan of action, and credibly establish a platform from which the stories of our emotional, psychological and spiritual devastation might be recounted. Our lives as survivors can be changed, the lives of future victims might not be aborted so tragically and with such far reaching results as we have known.
In light of this I respond to Victor's list and propose to supply the specific details of how each of the points in the list have occured for my experience. Perhaps this could become a new thread that might be better placed in a different forum, but if moderators choose to do so, then so be it. A tip of the hat ( yeah, I got the hat AND the T-shirt) to Mic:


  • The adult sexually touching the child; An older brother who was placed in charge took advantage of me and nearly all my 7 brothers and sisters, by initiating us sexually before our time. The abuse continued until he graduated from high school and left the home. Unless someone helps unpacks this, how will the world ever asses the extent of the damage that this caused?
  • Having the child touch the adult sexually;.....This occured as an ongoing part of the abuse
  • Photographing the child for sexual purposes.....N/A
  • Sexualized talk;..........My mother once said to me in a conversation "I never turned your father down". Another time she told me that she had discovered evidence that one of my younger brother's had been masturbating.
  • Showing the child pornographic materials or making them available to the child........N/A
  • Making fun of or ridiculing the child's sexual development, pereferences, or organs; Being gay, I always lived in fear of being discovered; it was the society in general that ridiculed my preferences. When I later came out, the parents further ridiculed this preference by being vacant about it and refusing to acknowledge it.
  • The adult exposing his or her genitals to the child for sexual gratification;...... Don't know what to make of this, but once as a small child I remember that my mother's mother came into the bathroom while I was drying myself off after taking a bath. Without knocking she came in, lifted her dress and prodeeded to use the toilet!? What the F***!
  • Masturbating or otherwise being sexual in front of the child;..... Older brother used to sit in my father's recliner when the parents were not home and masturbate through his jeans while the rest of us were sitting watching TV
  • Voyeurism; No incidences to report, but surely it follows that there was a lot of covert "watching" going on in this family.
  • Forcing overly rigid rules on dress or overly revealing dress;...... We were not allowed to be seen in public areas of the house in our underclothes. However, my father would sleep nude and leave the bedroom door open just a crack............. This was confusing and seemed incongruous to the puritanical rule of enforced modesty.
  • Stripping to hit or spank, or getting sexual excitement out of hitting;..... This was the parents favorite form of punishment. First, of course you had to fetch your instrument of torture, then you were told to drop your pants. there was a lot of cruelty involved.
  • Verbal and emotional abuse of a sexual nature;.....
    I found out about a romantic fling my mother was having one day when I discovered cards from her "lover" in her dresser drawer, I knew the guy and confronted him, and said it was "pure". Hell, I was only 15 and here I am asking about this.........
    Also, my younger sister was abused by a neighbor and the parents did absolutely nothing about it!
  • Having the child be sexual with animals;..... n/a
  • Engaging the child in prostitution;..... n/a
  • Witnessing others being sexually abused; ..... I frequently walked in on my older brother having sex with other siblings. It freaked me out.



I want to see the effects of abuse publicized to all the world, so that unhealthy shame around this issue might begin to subside. It will not be until we become vocal, and let out the BIG secrets, that we will begin to establish credibility, initiate a new consciouness around the whole subject of sex, and create new legislation that will cause people to think twice before thinking that they can get away with these and other types of behaviors. Once others begin to understand how they have been sexually abused then true healing can begin.

I have to admit that in this post I have triggered myself, so I need to slink off and lick some wounds. Thanks for the opportunity to share,

Ron

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#44654 - 06/24/03 04:58 PM Re: Defining Your Sexual Abuse
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
According to Mic Hunter, sexual abuse (of children; also applies to anyone in a position of relative powerlessness in relation to someone else) can include:

  • The adult sexually touching the child:
    Where would I begin? All of my perps did this, anything from brief sexual touches to intercourse v*ginal, *nal & *ral. Some once or twice, some for
    months or even years, my mother for most of my childhood.
  • Having the child touch the adult sexually:
    See above...
  • Photographing the child for sexual purposes:
    Not that I know of or remember.

    Sexualized talk: Frequently, especially from my mother, my prime perp who made me a surrogate husband.
  • Showing the child pornographic materials or making them available to the child:
    My mother made pornographic photos of herself available to me. \:o
  • Making fun of or ridiculing the child's sexual development, pereferences, or organs:

    My mother made fun of me any time I showed any clue of liking a girl. Especially as I got older. She was coming to realize she would not be able to have & control me as I got older & stronger & more rebellious.

    So she would always try to steer me toward & keep me around men, especially gay men. She was trying to make me gay so that if she couldn't have me no other female could either. :p

    This culminated in her selling me to a gay couple that was supposed to be friends who raped me. It didn't work. (Note: this is NOT a knock on being gay, just on her trying to make me gay--becuz I wasn't & didn't want to be--period!)
  • The adult exposing his or her genitals to the
    child for sexual gratification:
    My mother, and my father and some of her boyfriends, would walk thru our apartments freely nude or near-nude, which is what my mother was most of the time.
    :rolleyes:
  • Masturbating or otherwise being sexual in front of the child:
    Sexual activity in rooms with open doors or even out in the open was not uncommon in my "home."
  • Voyeurism:
    No not per say...
  • Forcing overly rigid rules on dress or overly
    revealing dress:
    No not on me...
  • Stripping to hit or spank, or getting sexual excitement out of hitting:
    Oops, they missed that one!
    :p
  • Verbal and emotional abuse of a sexual nature:
    Yes the verbal & emotional incest was ongoing & perhaps the worst part.
  • Having the child be sexual with animals:
    Thank God no.
  • Engaging the child in prostitution:
    Just the one time when my mother sold me to the gay couple--as far as I can remember...
  • Witnessing others being sexually abused:
    No, thank God.


("Abused Boys" pp 8 & 9)

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#44655 - 06/25/03 11:36 AM Re: Defining Your Sexual Abuse
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
While Mic Hunter's list is all clearly abuse, I spelled it out this way in an article I wrote:

Secondly, many people say they do not know what we are talking about when we speak of this sexual betrayal/violation. (abuse) Let me make it clear! We are speaking about any of the following: an adult who makes a child/teen strip naked; touches him when naked or puts his hands over the genitals inside of or on top of, the child’s clothes, which in this instance includes the buttocks, takes pictures of the naked child, hugs, kisses or cuddles the child even when the child makes it clear they do not want this. It includes felatio and sodomy, (oral and/or anal sexual penetration). It includes taking pornographic video or other forms of photo exploitation of the child. And it includes making the child/teen touch, kiss or in any other way give pleasure to the perpetrators penis, masturbating the adult, or having to permit the perpetrator take the boys penis out of the child’s clothes and either suck on it, touch it, or masturbate the child. Caressing, massaging, or “playing with” the boy’s buttocks is also a violation.

It is further betrayal and violation to “sell” or “trade” the child for some other adult to violate in any of the ways mentioned above. It is also a felony in most if not all states, distinct from the crime of the exploitation itself.

At the time I wrote that I was thinking only of male on male abuse. I would include what Vic wrote about female on male abuse now.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER

My perp made me take all of my clothes off, he squeezed, pinched and slapped my butt, he sodomized me and made me give him oral sex until he was hard and could rape me. He also made me give oral sex to orgasm to one of his buddies.

END OF POSSIBLE TRIGGER

It sure would be difficult to see that anyone would consider any of this to NOT be abuse. I might add that he tried mightily to make me think that I had seduced him!!! That was abuse as well and even though I have known it to be a mile high pile of BS, I have asked myself many,many times: "What did I do to make him do this?" What a joke.

BOB

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#44656 - 06/25/03 02:17 PM Re: Defining Your Sexual Abuse
godsrabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 98
i am going to try to answer this...

i do not know how to define sexual abuse except to call it anything done to you with sexual intent without your wanting it done...i also think that we have control over a certain degree of power in an abusive situation if we keep our heads about us.

[edited for feeling generally icky for every posting it in the first place]....

this is a hard story to explain...my point being that INTENT is crucial, i think...abuse is relative, but so is self-victimization...i was damaged to the point of seriously hurting someone else because of my own paranoia...

i think it is important to recognize that we do not have to be ruled by the impact of every unfortunate thing that befalls us...some people are evil and do evil things and are well aware of it...some people are just insensitive, ignorant, or intent on something they may even perceive as truly "good"...and wind up damaging or destroying others in the process...


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#44657 - 06/25/03 04:52 PM Re: Defining Your Sexual Abuse
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
well rabbit, that is good news. There are several really beautiful women that I think I better check out to make sure that they are not cutting themselves!

You were used and abused BOTH times. What a freaky world we would have if we went around feeling everyone up to make sure they don't have any bandages.

If the mediatro let him get by on that s/he had betteer get out of the mediation business.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#44658 - 06/25/03 04:54 PM Re: Defining Your Sexual Abuse
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Quote:
Originally posted by TheDean:
well rabbit, that is good news. There are several really beautiful women that I think I better check out to make sure that they are not cutting themselves!

You were used and abused BOTH times. What a freaky world we would have if we went around feeling everyone up to make sure they don't have any bandages.

If the mediator let him get by on that s/he had betteer get out of the mediation business TODAY, even better, before you were subject to blatant idiocity

Bob


_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#44659 - 06/25/03 05:03 PM Re: Defining Your Sexual Abuse
godsrabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 98
....sigh....

thank you all...i give up...i am clearly incapable of expressing myself in this arena...

God understands...nothing else really matters...

i will pray for you all...


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#44660 - 06/25/03 05:18 PM Re: Defining Your Sexual Abuse
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Whoa, rabbit, don't go anywhere just yet. If there is a miscommunication, we need people on both ends to get things right.

I got the impression from your de>
_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#44661 - 06/25/03 05:31 PM Re: Defining Your Sexual Abuse
godsrabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 98
joe,

thank you for your patience...
i do not understand why i must accept that it IS abuse...i do not feel abused...

i think bob's characterization (forgive me bob) is inaccurate and insensitive....and that is clearly the fault of my inability to show you that the second scenario was a miscommunication to BEGIN with...

we are human beings for God's sake...we send out mixed signals to one another all the time because of the complexity of our emotions...

it would have been criminal on MY part to press charges for assault in the matter...

i am not an idiot. i know what abuse is. why am i not permitted to define it here? every time i open my mouth someone is telling me i am wrong and "in denial" and that i have been "violated"...

i do not carry this sort of anger or resentment or pain that the rest of many of you here seem to carry...i fear my presence would be an irritant to you and my need for healing is a need for peace, not agitation...

i love you all very much and would help you if i could, but every time i try to share, if just seems to agitate YOU, and that agitation makes me requestion everything i have been through AGAIN...who is raping who here? so what is the point?

i apologize if this post seems angry...it is not...i am frustrated because i feel that if i do not conform to your definitions of abuse then i have no voice here...and that, clearly, is not the intent of this "ministry"....

since i seem to be the only one with this problem, then it is simple enough for me to go elsewhere...i have a strong support system in real life...i need, in my next step of healing, to reach out to other people...but i do not need to be told what to think by them...i only came here for myself but also to be supportive and share my story in the hopes of helping others...but as i said, i appear to be doing neither...

i am not an idiot, i am not a child, and i am not self-deceived. i want my opinion treated with respect...

i am sorry...i am a reasonable human being...i am also a sensitive human being...i do not think i make unreasonable demands on others...i certainly do not judge the experience of any of you....but take at face value what anger, hurt, joy, or desire you wish to share.


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