Newest Members
Aurigny, Luther, LuckyCharm, Jennifer Lyons, TantraPunk
12250 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Brandon (23), doctorfrau (51), dwigginsr (55), Glen (43), RFB (58)
Who's Online
3 registered (bluesky, 2 invisible), 34 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12250 Members
73 Forums
63101 Topics
441283 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#446390 - 09/04/13 05:06 AM Not Normal (letter to myself)
si Offline


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 42
Loc: Utah
I don't meet my definition of what it is to be normal, and I never will. Normal to me, is having that religious upbringing (I'm from Utah) by two parents who have your best interests at heart. Normal to me, is being another student at school taking hard classes here and there, because you can't overload yourself since you have sports that your parents take you to and cheer you on. Normal to me, is having a mentor that helped guide you through life. Normal to me, is reflecting on what would your idols do in this situation. Normal to me, is having a family that you can feel comfortable with and be proud of. Normal to me, is having your parents be proud of you.

I lost my innocence at the age of four. When I say I lost my innocence, I don't mean the CSA, I mean I found out how harsh life actually is. My father was becoming more and more absent, my mom became busier with her own personal life, my family ridiculed me, and I thought that I was going to go to hell because of everything. The fear of hell and my sins was my only upbringing amongst all these loved mormon kids that I saw all around me. Jealous, because I knew that I was as deserving as them. I deserved to feel loved by God. I deserved to have two parents who cared about me. I deserved to have mentors and idols instead of a family i'm ashamed to be around.

Of course, I overcompensated. I took so many hard classes trying to prove myself to parents who didn't care. Absent father, drug addict mother. I became my own mentor and a mentor to my sister, Allie. Swallowed that pill that I will never achieve that normal life that mormon kids had around me, those damn mormon kids who don't know what it is to be so poor, except when your mom wants to go out and score. Those damn mormon kids who don't know what its like to have parents who just aren't there. Those damn mormon kids who can brag about their family, how cool their uncle is, the awesome vacations they went to, etc.

The result: i'm not normal, and i'll never be. I wasn't meant to be normal, the way I was raised and grew up won't allow me to be normal. I'm extraordinary. Who else could take all that negative energy, that hate, that fear, that hurt and decide to come out on top. Who else could give the middle finger to their whole family and tell themselves that they deserve better. Who else could realize they have no mentors and become their own mentor. Who else could take on so many AP and Concurrent enrollment classes, get themselves set up in college when parents don't give a damn. Who else could forgive their father for being absent and not teaching them how to be a man. How to walk, talk and shave like a man. Who else could hold a soft spot for their mother who was drug addicted, not realizing the hurt but great potential in her son, who was raising her daughter more than her.

I'm not normal. I want to be, but i'm not. And, I guess, I have to be okay with that. I have to accept it. I lost my innocence at a young age when I realized how harsh this world really is, and it forced me to become extraordinary, because I would never, ever, allow myself to be so disrespected and abused for someone else's pleasure again.

Top
#446391 - 09/04/13 07:24 AM Re: Not Normal (letter to myself) [Re: si]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6350
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
si.

WOW! I am SO SO right there with you in your early life. Having to grow-up in a seemingly child-utopia....argh!!!

Having travelled heavily as an adult and seeing it was NOT just you and I...that YES, there ARE Normals out there! That YES, families DO engage their children. That said engagement does in fact translate into happy children, strong senses of self, security...well...utopia.

I was only able to watch the very blessed Normals grow-up in this utopia. I got to play the role of dried-up and drifting maple-leaf, blowing through the Normals' world, but not allowed to BE part of them.

I created a tongue-in-cheek video about it (Titled "Want That Life")...but having attained that utopia for MY family was beyond my dreams come true. Then...CSA ripped me away from that too!

The societal exclusion...the familial exclusion...the neglect you experienced and the horrid $h1T it set you up for...it all pisses me off to no end. But I read such uncommon, non-normal strength in a survivor and know that we survivors are cast of very blessed and strong metal.

Quote:
The result: i'm not normal, and i'll never be. I wasn't meant to be normal, the way I was raised and grew up won't allow me to be normal. I'm extraordinary. Who else could take all that negative energy, that hate, that fear, that hurt and decide to come out on top. Who else could give the middle finger to their whole family and tell themselves that they deserve better. Who else could realize they have no mentors and become their own mentor. Who else could take on so many AP and Concurrent enrollment classes, get themselves set up in college when parents don't give a damn. Who else could forgive their father for being absent and not teaching them how to be a man. How to walk, talk and shave like a man. Who else could hold a soft spot for their mother who was drug addicted, not realizing the hurt but great potential in her son, who was raising her daughter more than her.

I'm not normal. I want to be, but i'm not. And, I guess, I have to be okay with that. I have to accept it. I lost my innocence at a young age when I realized how harsh this world really is, and it forced me to become extraordinary, because I would never, ever, allow myself to be so disrespected and abused for someone else's pleasure again.


What a declaration of victory! This quote above needs to be read aloud at every CSA seminar, interview and public CSA hearing.

YOU ROCK!
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

Top
#446394 - 09/04/13 08:00 AM Re: Not Normal (letter to myself) [Re: si]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 268
Loc: PA
I think extraordinary is better than normal. I don't want to be normal. I just want to be me.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.