Loc: where the shadows lie
"The Mudge Boy" is a very special film for me. When I was 8, I was a loner. I had one friend, a bigger boy who ended up being an abuser. I was shocked when I saw "The Mudge Boy" because except for the fact that those characters are teens so much of the movie matched both emotions and events that happened to me.
I put scenes from that movie together with one of my favorite songs, "Sometimes I Still Feel The Bruise." It may seem weird for me to attach abuse with a song that says "I wish you'd stay'd in my life," but the emotions are complicated. Sometimes I do wish I had actually gotten to know him. I wish I could talk to him now, find out what he was going through. He was the same age I was and couldn't have figured out how to do what he did on his own. It was so important for me to be liked by him. Even though he was a bully that stole my stuff and assaulted me . . . or maybe he was important to me because of that. I know I thought it was my fault. There's more complex reasons to it too but that's enough for now. Anyways, I made this as a way to tell my story using someone else's pictures.
TRIGGERS for simulated rape, simulated oral sex.
I come here now, and I see lots of anger. I don't blame anyone for that. It is perfectly understandable. But it is not healthy for me. So I'm going somewhere else.
I saw The Mudge Boy too. The perp kid in that case was alarmingly similar to my "friend" who sexploited me in exchange for protection from bullies.
He INCESSANTLY talked about sex, dicks, and how big his own was, waving it around and peeing in front of me and stripping in front of me all the time - just like the kid from that movie. Their voices are even similar, in that way that teenaged boys deepening their voices with sex-crazed braggadocio and sounding like douchebags kind of all sound alike. He was never violent with me but he violently sexually abused both girls and boys and if he'd ever crossed that line with me it would have looked probably a lot like the movie. I would have obeyed everything he said. And, God help me, I was mystified and aroused by his mature body and the way he'd confidently flaunt and revel in it. Like the Mudge boy I liked what I saw, even when I didn't.
It is painful to remember that movie now because it drives home how unnaturally submissive I'd allowed myself to become and how effortlessly I could have been raped; all that spared me from that was him thinking it would have been too gay to do that with a homo faggot like me.
Thank you for posting this. Your movie is beautiful. And sad. And erotic. And confusing.
Sometimes I do wish I had actually gotten to know him. I wish I could talk to him now, find out what he was going through. He was the same age I was and couldn't have figured out how to do what he did on his own. It was so important for me to be liked by him. Even though he was a bully that stole my stuff and assaulted me . . . or maybe he was important to me because of that. I know I thought it was my fault. There's more complex reasons to it too but that's enough for now.
Me too, on my account. I wish I knew, I wish he could talk.
Your film helps me get closer to my own confused feelings.
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.
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