I have been digging up the past. Looking for all the pieces so that I can find the Truth. Dreading the gaps. Trying to remember. To make it whole. Looking for blame. Trying to find a beginning. But I can stop now. I don't need it all the pieces. There is no great truth that I can uncover. I don't need to put everything under a microscope to find the hidden meaning.
I was once a little boy. Innocent. Pure. But I did not get what I needed. Others hurt me. The truth is that the neglect and hurt made me feel bad about myself. Made me feel unworthy, and that was reinforced over and over again. I cannot change what happened. I can not go back and fix it. The past is a pit of questions without end. I will never know why. I can quit searching for things I will never find.
To be sure the past affects my present, but I know that now. I am safe. I am strong. I have what I always wanted. And while I can't go back and have the love and family I wanted as a child, I have it as an adult. I can give my son that love. It will heal me. I can be myself. I can like and love myself. Those things I don't like I can change. I don't have to be perfect. I have not always been less than everyone, I just had a past that made me feel that way. I can let others in and grow my love. The past will always be painful, but that little boy can be a happy man. He is good enough. Others love him. The work is now to get him to love himself. To have the same compassion for others with himself.
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"