So I woke up this morning quite early to my father, drunk, obviously just came home from being out drinking. Entering my bedroom trying to, you know. I wouldn't let him ofcourse and he got mad and tried to hit me, well he was drunk so I just got up and tried to push him out of my room. Did not go entirely to plan and ended up with a bruise on my head. So ended up running out of the house with a pair of jeans and a tshirt in my hand, guess I managed to get some normal clothes on and was walking the streets in tshirt flipflop and jeans at 5am. Trying to process wth had just happened and feeling 12 all over again, dejavu or something.
I don't know how long I sat on that bench before B. drove past me in his car and idk what I was thinking or why but i guess automatism kicked in and before I knew it I was in his car.
My guess is, I hadnt taken my phone with me so when he tried to call me I didn't pick up, so he probably started cruising the streets to see if he could find me, or something.
I was just begging him to just leave me be and let me relax today, I wasn't feeling well, just not today, please. Ofcourse he acted all hurt and stuff so I agreed to give him a bj if he'd just leave me alone for the rest of the day.
He agreed but i guess he then gave his 'friend' a call so 15 minutes later I'm coming out of the shower dressed and all and they are both standing there.. waiting or something I guess because before I know it, the 'friend' starts talking 'Either just go along with it and we'll all have some fun together (ugh .. fun.. getting nauseaus just thinking about it) or we'll have to you know, do it the other way.
I pretend to 'agree' but when I try to make a dash for the stairs, well let's just say the 'friend' is quicker and stronger then I thought. And begging for 'no please don't' just makes him angrier.
So here I am now, not sure how I managed to get home again, don't remember, thank god dad is passed out in his own room.
Could of just have stayed home though, what I want obviously doesn't matter, when yes is yes and no is also yes.
I feel just so fcking disgusted and upset with myself.
Leaving the house always used to make me feel free and well noone can do anything to me there that I don't want but guess it don't matter anymore I always end up in some kind of mess anyway. Might as well accept that it will be like this for atleast untill i can move out. Sorry that is my rant of the day.
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2