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#446117 - 09/01/13 06:20 AM Everything going to hell *triggers*
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 305
So I woke up this morning quite early to my father, drunk, obviously just came home from being out drinking. Entering my bedroom trying to, you know. I wouldn't let him ofcourse and he got mad and tried to hit me, well he was drunk so I just got up and tried to push him out of my room. Did not go entirely to plan and ended up with a bruise on my head. So ended up running out of the house with a pair of jeans and a tshirt in my hand, guess I managed to get some normal clothes on and was walking the streets in tshirt flipflop and jeans at 5am. Trying to process wth had just happened and feeling 12 all over again, dejavu or something.

I don't know how long I sat on that bench before B. drove past me in his car and idk what I was thinking or why but i guess automatism kicked in and before I knew it I was in his car.
My guess is, I hadnt taken my phone with me so when he tried to call me I didn't pick up, so he probably started cruising the streets to see if he could find me, or something.

I was just begging him to just leave me be and let me relax today, I wasn't feeling well, just not today, please. Ofcourse he acted all hurt and stuff so I agreed to give him a bj if he'd just leave me alone for the rest of the day.
He agreed but i guess he then gave his 'friend' a call so 15 minutes later I'm coming out of the shower dressed and all and they are both standing there.. waiting or something I guess because before I know it, the 'friend' starts talking 'Either just go along with it and we'll all have some fun together (ugh .. fun.. getting nauseaus just thinking about it) or we'll have to you know, do it the other way.
I pretend to 'agree' but when I try to make a dash for the stairs, well let's just say the 'friend' is quicker and stronger then I thought. And begging for 'no please don't' just makes him angrier.

So here I am now, not sure how I managed to get home again, don't remember, thank god dad is passed out in his own room.
Could of just have stayed home though, what I want obviously doesn't matter, when yes is yes and no is also yes.
I feel just so fcking disgusted and upset with myself.
Leaving the house always used to make me feel free and well noone can do anything to me there that I don't want but guess it don't matter anymore I always end up in some kind of mess anyway. Might as well accept that it will be like this for atleast untill i can move out. Sorry that is my rant of the day.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#446119 - 09/01/13 08:28 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
As always, wish I could do more for you. You've already shown courage to change your situation so I hope and pray it changes for you soon (for the better). In the meantime know that I, and i'm sure others here are pulling for you.

Be strong.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446128 - 09/01/13 09:54 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 305
It's just.. it really messed me up, i don;t know why.
I still can't make good decisions, when I don't have time to think and overthink them first. And when I do, it doesn't matter it still goes wrong.
Just feeling awfull after all of this. It's to much, just to much going on at once. I don't even know how i'm gonna get trough school tomorrow.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#446130 - 09/01/13 10:24 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
You describe a situation that is worsening, and one in which you will still be at risk from B and who knows how many of his "friends" even after you move out. He already finds you "out" all the time.

If you were to tell a teacher or a police officer, do you think it would result in you getting beaten and raped MORE than you currently are?
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#446135 - 09/01/13 01:13 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Sven,

I know it canīt be easy and I'm sorry for that. If you see a way out or to improve your situation I hope you can find the courage again to take the necessary steps. You are worth the effort! If you can stop the abusers you may save others as well.

I think about you often and hope one day I will read about how well you are doing.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446140 - 09/01/13 03:53 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 305
if only it was that easy..
I wouldn't have any place to stay if i turned them in.
And i dont want to trigger their rage either, payback for small things is bad enough already. Don't want to know what they are capable of, really. It must look like i only come here to explain and then don't want to listen to anyone. I'm sorry.
It's just a bit more complicated then 'just tell someone'.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#446144 - 09/01/13 04:58 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
If you were assaulted, go straight to the hospital after. Get the evidence and get them arrested.

Also, leave that house.

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#446151 - 09/01/13 07:20 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
We know being in the thick of it is hard. It's easy for us to tell you what to do from outside of it. Just trying to encourage you to make things better when you can and the opportunity is right. Keep posting and talking. I hope you catch a break soon.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446156 - 09/01/13 07:44 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Sven, please, please be safe. I'm glad you're talking about this. But I am really hoping for the day I hear you're not going through this any more.

Are there any options? Is there a hostel, or a shelter? The police? A teacher?

Your abusers want you to think you have no help. Your abusers want you to think that you are the dirty one.

That's the farthest from the truth. When I read your posts I hear a young man doing his best to survive.

Survive, man. Keep surviving. You're not alone.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#446200 - 09/02/13 07:02 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 305
I'm sorry I bothered you with this.
I guess I was upset and just ... needed to rant or something.
I'll be fine. I can deal with this it's not like my entire life up to this point hasn't been like this anyway.
When my father tried to again last night. And I couldn't get away as easily this time. I just .. gave up i guess and accepted it. Think I just left the room in my mind if that makes any sense at all. I'll just have to find a way to keep doing that..
I'm sorry i must be dissapointing and disgusting everyone here I just can't handle it any other way anymore. I'm sorry.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
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