This is profound yet so simple, the proverbial horse to water. If those we care about choose to continue to hurt themselves it is their choice. We certainly can talk with them, telling them what hurts us, what we are uncomfortable with and what we need from a relationship but we cannot demand. Begrudging compliance is not what we want in the short or long term. If the "horse" chooses to lie by the banks and dehydrate, that is it's choice, we could choose to expend our efforts fully invested to finding new and different ways to try to get it to drink or we can, to varying degrees, separate ourselves and use our precious resources to connect with healthy, positive sources of our own refreshment.
Thank you Esposa, this helps me to release my adult children and my survivor to their own machinations.., well, not all of them, I may still nag a bit here and there, but I can let them hammer away until they hit their own nail, no sense in my continuing to cover their thumb and getting mine bruised every time.