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#446117 - 09/01/13 06:20 AM Everything going to hell *triggers*
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 272
So I woke up this morning quite early to my father, drunk, obviously just came home from being out drinking. Entering my bedroom trying to, you know. I wouldn't let him ofcourse and he got mad and tried to hit me, well he was drunk so I just got up and tried to push him out of my room. Did not go entirely to plan and ended up with a bruise on my head. So ended up running out of the house with a pair of jeans and a tshirt in my hand, guess I managed to get some normal clothes on and was walking the streets in tshirt flipflop and jeans at 5am. Trying to process wth had just happened and feeling 12 all over again, dejavu or something.

I don't know how long I sat on that bench before B. drove past me in his car and idk what I was thinking or why but i guess automatism kicked in and before I knew it I was in his car.
My guess is, I hadnt taken my phone with me so when he tried to call me I didn't pick up, so he probably started cruising the streets to see if he could find me, or something.

I was just begging him to just leave me be and let me relax today, I wasn't feeling well, just not today, please. Ofcourse he acted all hurt and stuff so I agreed to give him a bj if he'd just leave me alone for the rest of the day.
He agreed but i guess he then gave his 'friend' a call so 15 minutes later I'm coming out of the shower dressed and all and they are both standing there.. waiting or something I guess because before I know it, the 'friend' starts talking 'Either just go along with it and we'll all have some fun together (ugh .. fun.. getting nauseaus just thinking about it) or we'll have to you know, do it the other way.
I pretend to 'agree' but when I try to make a dash for the stairs, well let's just say the 'friend' is quicker and stronger then I thought. And begging for 'no please don't' just makes him angrier.

So here I am now, not sure how I managed to get home again, don't remember, thank god dad is passed out in his own room.
Could of just have stayed home though, what I want obviously doesn't matter, when yes is yes and no is also yes.
I feel just so fcking disgusted and upset with myself.
Leaving the house always used to make me feel free and well noone can do anything to me there that I don't want but guess it don't matter anymore I always end up in some kind of mess anyway. Might as well accept that it will be like this for atleast untill i can move out. Sorry that is my rant of the day.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#446119 - 09/01/13 08:28 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
As always, wish I could do more for you. You've already shown courage to change your situation so I hope and pray it changes for you soon (for the better). In the meantime know that I, and i'm sure others here are pulling for you.

Be strong.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446128 - 09/01/13 09:54 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 272
It's just.. it really messed me up, i don;t know why.
I still can't make good decisions, when I don't have time to think and overthink them first. And when I do, it doesn't matter it still goes wrong.
Just feeling awfull after all of this. It's to much, just to much going on at once. I don't even know how i'm gonna get trough school tomorrow.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#446130 - 09/01/13 10:24 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
You describe a situation that is worsening, and one in which you will still be at risk from B and who knows how many of his "friends" even after you move out. He already finds you "out" all the time.

If you were to tell a teacher or a police officer, do you think it would result in you getting beaten and raped MORE than you currently are?
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#446135 - 09/01/13 01:13 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
Sven,

I know it cant be easy and I'm sorry for that. If you see a way out or to improve your situation I hope you can find the courage again to take the necessary steps. You are worth the effort! If you can stop the abusers you may save others as well.

I think about you often and hope one day I will read about how well you are doing.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446140 - 09/01/13 03:53 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 272
if only it was that easy..
I wouldn't have any place to stay if i turned them in.
And i dont want to trigger their rage either, payback for small things is bad enough already. Don't want to know what they are capable of, really. It must look like i only come here to explain and then don't want to listen to anyone. I'm sorry.
It's just a bit more complicated then 'just tell someone'.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#446144 - 09/01/13 04:58 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
If you were assaulted, go straight to the hospital after. Get the evidence and get them arrested.

Also, leave that house.

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#446151 - 09/01/13 07:20 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
We know being in the thick of it is hard. It's easy for us to tell you what to do from outside of it. Just trying to encourage you to make things better when you can and the opportunity is right. Keep posting and talking. I hope you catch a break soon.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446156 - 09/01/13 07:44 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Sven, please, please be safe. I'm glad you're talking about this. But I am really hoping for the day I hear you're not going through this any more.

Are there any options? Is there a hostel, or a shelter? The police? A teacher?

Your abusers want you to think you have no help. Your abusers want you to think that you are the dirty one.

That's the farthest from the truth. When I read your posts I hear a young man doing his best to survive.

Survive, man. Keep surviving. You're not alone.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#446200 - 09/02/13 07:02 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 272
I'm sorry I bothered you with this.
I guess I was upset and just ... needed to rant or something.
I'll be fine. I can deal with this it's not like my entire life up to this point hasn't been like this anyway.
When my father tried to again last night. And I couldn't get away as easily this time. I just .. gave up i guess and accepted it. Think I just left the room in my mind if that makes any sense at all. I'll just have to find a way to keep doing that..
I'm sorry i must be dissapointing and disgusting everyone here I just can't handle it any other way anymore. I'm sorry.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#446201 - 09/02/13 07:55 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Sven,
you are not disappointing nor disgusting; please don't be so hard on yourself. You came here in search for help and to learn more and I'm sure you are trying very hard to get out of abusive cycle.
Unfortunately it is always very difficult to escape from such environment and violent family background so please arm yourself with patience and wait for right moment. I'm sure you'll be free and on your own soon.
You are our hero; you are terrible strong person.

Don't forget that you are not alone, you have friends here.

Hugs

(((Sven)))
_________________________
My story

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#446210 - 09/02/13 09:54 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
You're definitely NOT a disappointment. I bet you have learned a lot since coming here and one day you may find the break you are looking for/need. Maybe one of the many suggestions you've received will be possible at some point. In the meantime do what you can to survive and know that we love you as a fellow brother even if it is so hard to see you being hurt and in an abusive situation.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446216 - 09/02/13 10:36 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
You do not disappoint or disgust any of us we care about you and understand your pain.We don't judge here at all.We care and love you Sven
_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

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#447284 - 09/15/13 12:01 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 272
I sure do feel like that though
True or not I can't shake that feeling
or stop feeling THEM ugh
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#447365 - 09/16/13 03:38 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
Hey Sven,

It was good o hear something from you.

I have those feelings all the time - I'm a disappointment to my family, I'm worthlessness and have nothing to offer anyone, etc. My abuse was over 30 years ago. Things are a lot better now, but didn't really start getting better till about a year ago.

Hang in there. Do what you need to survive and don't feel guilty about it. Keep trying to improve your situation when you can. Just being here and sharing what you do is a success in many ways.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

Top
#447379 - 09/16/13 05:59 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 272
I just wish i wouldnt have to relive everything over and over again all the time. As if when it actually happens isnt bad enough, but then i can atleast 'dissociate'.
But even now, sitting in bed, alone, with this laptop but it feels as if it's happening right now. I can feel it, even smell it sometimes. Other times it's more like flashbacks. And god those nightmares.. Even if i sleep 8 or 9 hours, i still feel tired if i have had a nightmare.
I just don't seem to be able to handle these things as well as before anymore, even though nothing really changed that much.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#447382 - 09/16/13 06:29 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 753
Loc: michigan
things have changed a great deal man. You found the courage to tell us here. and I hope that soon you will find a way to tell in real life too. they have no right to hurt you. no right to make you feel like less. you are NOT that. you are strong, you are brave.this secret is not yours alone now I know that the thought of telling is terrifying and there may be no way just now but I hope soon it will happen for you. they deserve to be punished and you deserve to be free from them. I hope this doesn't trigger or frustrate you but just know you are worthy of a good and healthy life.
heal well
jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

Top
#447407 - 09/16/13 10:28 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 280
Don't be afraid of change my friend, you're being preyed on like a piece of flesh..
Call the authorities and let those who have broken the scared bonds of humanity pay for their crimes.
You are much more than a victim of your circumstances.
Please do something bout this..for both your sake and your future.
I will pray for you.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

Top
#447473 - 09/17/13 03:21 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Sven,

I pray that you will find the means and the courage to move yourself out of reach of both your father and B. You can be sure that they will not change. You must not allow them any more opportunities to abuse you. This has gone on for far too long and the only one who can stop this cycle is you.

Please consider contacting the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN). They have a 24 hour chat support line on their website http://www.rainn.org/, and a toll-free number for phone calls 1-800656-HOPE (4673). They will be able to connect you to resources in your community that can help you find some options for change. Please don't delay. We are rooting for you.

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

Top
#447488 - 09/17/13 07:50 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Dear Sven, (TRIGGER)

You were sexually assaulted by your father and raped by B's friend.
B was an accomplise to "gang rape" and so is guilty of rape just like his friend even though you consented to B's blow job.

I absolutely agree with Jude. This is not an "I might as well accept it" situation.

If it were someone else, and you were looking at it objectively, it would be sex trafficking. And you are the individual who has sold Sven.

And for what, room and board? Please get out and get help.

You have a right to basic human dignity, even if you do not realize you have a right to your own body. There are people in this world who can and will help, most of them will not even make pray and listen to lectures.

Please, even if there are other reasons that you need your father or B, get out of there you can always go back for an hour or two, but GET OUT!

If you are so guilt tripped by your father, B, or anyone else, you are not helping them. You are teaching them that they can get away with felonies with impunity. You are enabling them to get their needs met without the slightest acknowledgement of even your right to breathe air!

We all have different stories and we all are just the same.



Edited by genedebs (09/17/13 08:00 PM)
Edit Reason: To get Sven's quote

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#447496 - 09/17/13 10:00 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Sven,
You're not disgusting or disappointing to me!
You're surviving! That's what you need to do! Survive!
And you've told! That's an amazing step!

I think you're brave, and strong. Who cares what people who don't know what it's like think? I hope you're hearing that the people who do know thing you're a hero.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

Top
#447534 - 09/18/13 11:01 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
SVEN,

What has changed is you have become a stronger and more vibrant person. You have begun the process of finding what is happening to you must stop.

You have shown the courage to disclose to us. If your experience is like my daughter, she was molested by my father and it took her 27 years to disclose it.

But before she disclosed, she had nightmares of the molestation and nightmares of returning nightmares when she was 8. She saw in her waking mind the room, the bed, and she ran from it into promescuity. Then she hated herself more. Then the nightmares of her abusive husband returned as well.

But, she is doing better now. She moved, there was abuse (knives, guns, no one bled). She moved again. She gave up on the city and moved back to her home town.

May God Bless you and Keep, May his countenance shine upon you and may He grant you peace.



Edited by genedebs (09/18/13 11:03 AM)

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#447733 - 09/20/13 09:51 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 272
I've had some time to think all of your advice and comments over but I'm afraid I just got nothing intelligent to add.
Things did change I guess.. Alright I started talking here. I made that one call in an attempt the younger kids in the family. Still not sure if that worked at all.

Also for the worse.. Where in the last few years my father was less and less interested in me, thankfully, finally coming to a stop about a year ago, he now tries something again weekly.
And instead of trying to leave my body betrays me by freezing up and just letting him do whatever he wants, not always but atleast like half the time...

I'm ashamed to say just like this morning. I don't know why I can't seem to handle it any better. He does his thing, usually he is drunk.. So I would have had a chance to fight him off or leave but nooooo... I was still sleeping when I woke up to him entering the room. Froze.. And didn't even get to 'leave' the room in my mind this time no just lied there. It kinda felt as if I was there but I wasn't. Idk how to explain it.

Afterwards I take a long shower and put on my clothes and try to eat something.. Went to school late as didn't feel like talking to my friends, just in time not to be to late.
And as always float trough the day trying to act normal but not completely succeeding.Friends notice I'm off atleast.. I just say I didn't sleep well and I'm tired but fine.

Went to B. after school, figured if I'm having a cr@p day already might as well get that over and done with for the week as well. So I just went along with whatever he wanted and then thank god he had to leave for work, wanted me to stay for the night but I lied about homework and such so I just went home instead.

I'm fine... really. Just not great I guess.
I know people really want me to report them but I can't i'm sorry. All of your arguments are good arguments but I just can't.
And for room and board? Well that beats sleeping on the streets or moving in with B. fulltime!
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#447736 - 09/20/13 10:20 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
Sven,

It sounds like to me that you know what you need to do, but you just aren't ready to do it yet. I get that. It makes perfect sense to me. Doing what you know and have done for so long is a way easier way to survive than to do something that will change everything drastically in your life. Everything that we all want you to do could have a HUGE impact on your life and we all know that it will probably be an extremely difficult transition for you. Life probably won't be better in the short term either if you were to report your abusers. I'm sure it looks like a no win situation for you and I'm sorry about that.

Don't feel bad about not being able to make the changes you want, but don't give up on them either. Just surviving shows great strength if you ask me. You're doing that AND don't underestimate the changes you HAVE made. You can build on them. Keep thinking about the life you want and the ways to get there. At some point you WILL be able to find courage and strength to move towards it if you keep talking and seeking help.

All these guys here reading your posts, offering support, think you are a worthwhile person and want you to be in a situation that is not harmful to you. THEY CARE ABOUT YOU! Even if you don't have the strength today we still care about you and will continue to support you. You have made progress and you can make some more. We think you are worth it and I hope you can too.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

Top
#447757 - 09/20/13 06:28 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 272
I don't feel worthy of all of the support you guys give me.
No matter how many times people say I understand.
I feel like im just taking up time and energy that could be spend on someone else.. Someone who does actually do something with all of the suggestions and stuff.
I just feel so.. drained I guess.


Edited by ModTeam (10/14/13 11:17 PM)
Edit Reason: Removed per request of member, ModTeam
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#447758 - 09/20/13 06:50 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3333
Loc: O Kanada
please don't think i am being simplistic here but i truly do believe these words to be true...

Henry Ford - "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right."

Invictus
by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#447779 - 09/20/13 10:20 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Sven
I'm fine... really. Just not great I guess.
I know people really want me to report them but I can't i'm sorry. All of your arguments are good arguments but I just can't.
Sven,

In my own case, I refused to make any changes in my life until things became intolerable. I had to reach my "bottom" before I would consider getting help and following through with a plan of recovery. There were many who tried to talk me into it, but I just could not give up the ways I had always coped with life, even though they were destroying me.

There is no pressure from the guys at MS to follow any particular advice. We just want you to be safe, stop the cycle of abuse, and reclaim your life. Change is scary, especially when the current situation is all you've known. But make no mistake, reaching out here on this forum IS a change. One that you can always count on. You're in our prayers.

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

Top
#447860 - 09/21/13 09:59 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 272
Anyone know.. 'bodymemories' i learned thats what it is when you feel stuff happening again.. i think i hate those the most probably.. Not sure how to handle those.
Though nightmares arent fun either but hate body memories more i think. they come at the most inconvenient times too like during class or eating dinner with parents (not that that happens often, eating dinner togehter) and such.

And oh joy father is celebrating his bday tomorrow so will be having family and friends over, cant wait for that to start *note sarcasm*
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#447861 - 09/21/13 10:07 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 753
Loc: michigan
the only way I know to handle them is by breathing sven breathe slow deliberate breaths and focus on where you are it helps to practice grounding exercises they can help you to remain in the NOW rather then going back to that place
hope that helps man
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#448008 - 09/23/13 04:26 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 272
Well it went ok enough I guess at first.
I left half way trough when the intoxicated lvl skyrocketed and spent evening at friends place.
Had to go home eventually though, but they weren't gone yet.
Tried to sneak in without them hearing me, thank god they made enough noise that they wouldn't have heard it if a horse tried to climb the stairs. However my father went straight into my room when everyone was gone, sigh. Same thing, i freeze he does his thing, except this time he fell asleep in my bed, so I eventually defrosted myself and moved to the livingroom with a blanket and sweater.

I know for sure youthcare is involved with atleast some of them / I don't know if it's because of what I called in but atleast it's something I guess..

_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#448020 - 09/23/13 05:34 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 753
Loc: michigan
hey sven be proud of that man! you took what action you could this far and that is GREAT!!! you may have saved some and who knows you may yet be rescued yourself. you are in my thoughts so often man wishing you the best
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#448022 - 09/23/13 05:45 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
Originally Posted By: Sven
'what if i just stepped infront of that bus or take a bunch of pills' it would be so much easier. Don't worry im not planning on doing anything dumb but sometimes everything feels so pointless. sorry.


Don't be sorry. You say you're not planning on doing anything but if you ever think you might, then maybe you should consider calling a crisis hotline.

Here's one.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

Keep talking. We've all been there. Maybe not in your exact situation, but we know what it's like to be violated like that.

By the way, I've been to hell so many times that if there were frequent traveler points, I'd have enough to travel around the world.

Hell is a horrible place. It's so painful and it feels like there is no way out. But you've managed to make it this long and that shows what an incredible survivor you are.

Please take care.

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#448031 - 09/23/13 08:54 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
The fact that you are reaching out shows progress, continue to reach out to men on hear, read books. I like Mike Lews "Victims no Longer". If not in therapy find one. One who has worked with male survivors. I have found that all of these things have really helped. God's speed, things can and will get better with willingness, work, My best to you.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#448045 - 09/23/13 11:08 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 280
we all are here for you.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#448116 - 09/24/13 06:30 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 272
I just have those idk... waves of depression I guess. They come and go but I'm not sure how to deal with them. I just pretend I'm ok.

That link you posted smalltownboy is only for the usa, i'm not from the USA. I actually googled and couldnt really find anything usefull that allows people to use their chat if they dont live in the usa/uk/australia etc. Well there are a couple of Dutch ones with limited opening hours. But I don't really like the idea of one on one chats with volunteers or professionals anyways.
But yeh it's fine i'm not planning on doing anything dumb anyways, as I said. Though i'm not sure i'd mind either if something happened.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#448167 - 09/25/13 04:53 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
We'd mind. Stay well, please. Keep surviving!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#448194 - 09/25/13 10:34 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
Sven,

Sometimes the help we need isn't comfortable, but the pain for the gain can be worth it. Just something to think about.

You said: [I just pretend I'm ok.]

I think it's a very AA thing to say, "Fake it till you make it". It's a perfectly valid way of coping and when you can do it well it's something to be proud of.

Do you have AA and AL Anon meetings in your area? You may want to go to them. You may find people there who have better ideas of how you can find the support you need in your area. Somebody may have already suggested this, but it just was a thought that popped into my head.

Keep looking for help. I keep praying that you will find it.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#448215 - 09/25/13 04:50 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 272
i dont really want to talk in reallife. I'm sorry. Also i dont have a drinking problem..
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#448217 - 09/25/13 05:00 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
You don't have to be sorry! Glad you don't have a drinking problem too :-) Was just thinking out loud when I typed that.

Take care.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#448225 - 09/25/13 06:03 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
Here's a link for international crisis resources. I got this from the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline so it should be legit.

International Association for Suicide Prevention

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#448337 - 09/26/13 06:00 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 272
Well lets just say its hard to find anything decent.
But it doesnt matter i got this place already anyways.
It's just hard to feel like anything could ever change sometimes, i mean i will move out eventually, they might even leave me alone at some point. But this feeling is forever. The past isnever going to change. I know its just how it feels maybe it will get better but i doubt it somehow.


Edited by ModTeam (10/14/13 11:20 PM)
Edit Reason: Removed per member request, ModTeam
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#448340 - 09/26/13 06:09 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Sven,
Every time you post, I know you're alive. Still surviving. One day closer to when things will get better, (I know they will, I just don't know when that will be for you.)
So every time you post even though I'm a continent away, you help make my day.
KEEP SAFE. KEEP SURVIVING!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#448474 - 09/27/13 07:49 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1184
Loc: New York
Hey Sven,

Sorry you have to be here but as you can see you have an awful lot of people rooting for you. You're in safe hands here on MS and so many people here want to help you.

I came here like 50 years after my abuse started which continued for 9 years. I didn't have parents that abused me, they just didn't give a shit about me so I've never been in that situation where I was home when the abuse happened.

Now it is a matter of surviving until you can get out of that place. It is doable as you can see, you have done it for so long you can do it till you get out of the that place. That's when the real healing will start. Now you have a bunch of guys here that want to help you survive an awful environment and keep on helping you heal as long as you want. You are part of a brotherhood now where everyone has a story to be helped with.

There was a time where I didn't know if I would live or be found in a river. That passed and now I'm here at MS for the same reason you want to be here, to survive and heal. I have also found myself and still do where it seems "pointless and senseless to want to go on feeling like this". But you are young and have a whole life ahead of you that can be happy and worth living for. Just hang in there and stay with us here at MS, you will survive. You have a lot to offer the world so don't get stuck in the past or present just look forward to the future.

I wish I could give you all the magic in the world that would help you out of your current situation but I can't, all I and all the guys here at MS can give you is hope for the present and the future. Don't let the shit that's going on now pull you down any further, you are worthy of a better life. You will get freedom from your hell, your life will get better.

You are correct to say "that the past is never going to change", it is what it is. It took a long time for my T to make me understand that I can do nothing to change the past. It took a long time for me to admit and accept that I was a prostitute for 7 years starting when I was 12. I couldn't say that for the longest time but I can now and that will never change - I was a fucken little 12 year old prostitute. I still have to realize that the word "fucken" should not be there, but I'm not there totally yet. I do have hope that I will be there one day, I hope sooner than later.

Be well and try to be hopeful and happy. Today's shit is tomorrow's fertilizer crazy.

Feel free to PM me if you think I can help in any way. Cheers smile.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#448576 - 09/28/13 09:47 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1629
Sven

I am so sorry for your pain. Having moments of blankness is common for many survivors. I read your words feeling like 12 all over. I know the feelings. I was in a situations in recent years where I was made to feel like the child in the cellar. These emotions are strong and I would find myself leaving and a part of me took over. I would have no memory of what happened after those feelings overtook. From what I have been told I sought acts of the abuse. Why I have learned that part of me was so attached to the abuse and abuser. When you said you were in the car before you knew it reminds me of what I have learned. For some strange reason some victims try to validate and control the abuse through reenactment. In you situation you remember the acts for me I do not. The key here is to heal the part of you that seeks the abuse. After hospitalizations I learned I must accept the part of me that held the positive feelings toward the abuser. It was hard because most of me hated the abuse and abuser.

What you did during reenactment is not you fault. You were looking to cope and to take away the pain. The mind is so complex only trauma experts are beginning to understand why trauma survivors seek abuse after being the victim and why we dissociate. You were a child during the abuse and that part of you has been trapped as a child.

Do not be too hard on yourself. You need to continue sharing your story, find people who truly love you for you, people who will listen and not judge. I found daily affirmation of my value and worth as well as listing what I was grateful for I began without realizing it was happening to see I was pretty good and had much to offer. It also helped me to accept the abuse as being in the past and not in the present.

Please take time to appreciate who you are.

Kevin

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#448625 - 09/28/13 07:40 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 272
How can you just 'kill' that part of yourself that makes you go back to your abuser.
When before you would have been furious if anyone described him as a pedophile or abuser.
How do you just chance something that comes naturally and automatically to you; freezing as soon as your father enters your room.
How can you live with the knowledge of what happened.. and the feelings and other consequences because of it.. for the rest of your life.. What if you can't heal and you will be forever stuck lving like this, perhaps abusefree, but not feeling much better most of the time.
I can't see myself being with a girl... even kissing freaks me out. And the idea of actively taking part in a sexual relationship freaks the hell out of me.
People say you will and you can... What if I'm right and it's not going to happen..
'm sorry.. waiting for my father to come home, i am tired though. Just like when I was younger, didn't want to go to bed then either before he was back. Nothing worse then not seeing 'it' coming.
Also saw B. again this saturday, but didnt have time for him as needed to work, so huge guilttrip, ended up giving him what he wanted in the freaking bushes. 'just 5 minutes' he said. sigh.


Edited by ModTeam (10/14/13 11:22 PM)
Edit Reason: Removed per user request, ModTeam
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#448627 - 09/28/13 07:53 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 753
Loc: michigan
sven man
change comes from YOU. it cant be about how you feel right now because it is ongoing and all that you know. There has to be moment in time when YOU realize that I am not this. I was not born to service these bastards I was born to be something! in that realization EVERYTHING changes. because you were not born to be hurt you will not allow it. because you do not belong to him you will NOT give in. because you WERE born for normal relationships you will give yourself a chance to develop them. once YOU begin to see yourself as worth the effort, and worthy of respect then there is NO more guilt to these sons of bitches who use you and tell you you are less. you have believed the lie too long but it is only YOU who can make that change. you have resources available to you and yes it is frightening. but the change can happen and it WILL if you choose it. but it has to come from you alone. you know what every man here is in your corner. and you have agencies there to help you. but the courage and determination has to come from you alone man. it is a hard truth dude... but truth none the less. I hope you can begin to listen to that voice soon, it is there I hear it and many others as well. YOU ARE WORTH SAVING.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#448630 - 09/28/13 08:33 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Um... 'cause I don't know a better word.
AMEN. What Newground said.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#448648 - 09/29/13 12:21 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1184
Loc: New York
Hey Sven,

All I can say is that newground said it best.

Please, please, please don't give up hope, you are worth all the gold in the world and nothing less. You are not worthless.

You have survived till now and there is alway hope for a better life especially after the abuse stops. We will help in any way possible to see you through this. Just don't give up hope, you will survive and have a life, please convince yourself of that and never give up hope.

You will survive

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#449688 - 10/09/13 05:06 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 272
So I broke my wrist yesterday. It didn't hurt that much at first though it got stiff swollen later and kept me up for a good part of last night. Teacher drove me to the hospital today and now i got a nice new cast... Back next week for new cast...
Made me think..

There is so damned much to say
And to lie about even more
So much crap to reveal
Even though the digging hurts so much
I'm an @sshole but I learn

An ocean to flee away to
Never having to be jealous
Love to relief your heart
An ocean how nice would that be

http://youtu.be/wrBLriMrAkY

Bear with me i know my translation isn't perfect. And only a piece of it. I like the dutch version better though..
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#450063 - 10/13/13 03:39 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
ModTeam Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/06
Posts: 691
It appears this topic has reached the end of it's course. Using the discussion board to explore situations, thoughts and emotions is beneficial and healthy, until such time that the discussion becomes contrary to the goals and purposes of MaleSurvivor. This topic has been discussed and for the purposes of recovery has been thoroughly answered. Site management continually strives to provide an environment safe for the purpose of pursuing ones recovery from the effects of past sexual abuse. Please do not attempt to repost this topic, as doing so may be cause for further action by site management.

Your cooperation on this matter is appreciated.

Regards

The Moderators
_________________________
Private messages sent to this account are checked irregularly due to personnel and time constraints. Please send messages to one of the moderators for the forum that is concerned by user name, or if there is no named moderator, send a PM to any moderator.

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