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#447496 - 09/17/13 10:00 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Sven,
You're not disgusting or disappointing to me!
You're surviving! That's what you need to do! Survive!
And you've told! That's an amazing step!

I think you're brave, and strong. Who cares what people who don't know what it's like think? I hope you're hearing that the people who do know thing you're a hero.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#447534 - 09/18/13 11:01 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
SVEN,

What has changed is you have become a stronger and more vibrant person. You have begun the process of finding what is happening to you must stop.

You have shown the courage to disclose to us. If your experience is like my daughter, she was molested by my father and it took her 27 years to disclose it.

But before she disclosed, she had nightmares of the molestation and nightmares of returning nightmares when she was 8. She saw in her waking mind the room, the bed, and she ran from it into promescuity. Then she hated herself more. Then the nightmares of her abusive husband returned as well.

But, she is doing better now. She moved, there was abuse (knives, guns, no one bled). She moved again. She gave up on the city and moved back to her home town.

May God Bless you and Keep, May his countenance shine upon you and may He grant you peace.



Edited by genedebs (09/18/13 11:03 AM)

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#447733 - 09/20/13 09:51 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 276
I've had some time to think all of your advice and comments over but I'm afraid I just got nothing intelligent to add.
Things did change I guess.. Alright I started talking here. I made that one call in an attempt the younger kids in the family. Still not sure if that worked at all.

Also for the worse.. Where in the last few years my father was less and less interested in me, thankfully, finally coming to a stop about a year ago, he now tries something again weekly.
And instead of trying to leave my body betrays me by freezing up and just letting him do whatever he wants, not always but atleast like half the time...

I'm ashamed to say just like this morning. I don't know why I can't seem to handle it any better. He does his thing, usually he is drunk.. So I would have had a chance to fight him off or leave but nooooo... I was still sleeping when I woke up to him entering the room. Froze.. And didn't even get to 'leave' the room in my mind this time no just lied there. It kinda felt as if I was there but I wasn't. Idk how to explain it.

Afterwards I take a long shower and put on my clothes and try to eat something.. Went to school late as didn't feel like talking to my friends, just in time not to be to late.
And as always float trough the day trying to act normal but not completely succeeding.Friends notice I'm off atleast.. I just say I didn't sleep well and I'm tired but fine.

Went to B. after school, figured if I'm having a cr@p day already might as well get that over and done with for the week as well. So I just went along with whatever he wanted and then thank god he had to leave for work, wanted me to stay for the night but I lied about homework and such so I just went home instead.

I'm fine... really. Just not great I guess.
I know people really want me to report them but I can't i'm sorry. All of your arguments are good arguments but I just can't.
And for room and board? Well that beats sleeping on the streets or moving in with B. fulltime!
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#447736 - 09/20/13 10:20 AM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
Sven,

It sounds like to me that you know what you need to do, but you just aren't ready to do it yet. I get that. It makes perfect sense to me. Doing what you know and have done for so long is a way easier way to survive than to do something that will change everything drastically in your life. Everything that we all want you to do could have a HUGE impact on your life and we all know that it will probably be an extremely difficult transition for you. Life probably won't be better in the short term either if you were to report your abusers. I'm sure it looks like a no win situation for you and I'm sorry about that.

Don't feel bad about not being able to make the changes you want, but don't give up on them either. Just surviving shows great strength if you ask me. You're doing that AND don't underestimate the changes you HAVE made. You can build on them. Keep thinking about the life you want and the ways to get there. At some point you WILL be able to find courage and strength to move towards it if you keep talking and seeking help.

All these guys here reading your posts, offering support, think you are a worthwhile person and want you to be in a situation that is not harmful to you. THEY CARE ABOUT YOU! Even if you don't have the strength today we still care about you and will continue to support you. You have made progress and you can make some more. We think you are worth it and I hope you can too.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#447757 - 09/20/13 06:28 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 276
I don't feel worthy of all of the support you guys give me.
No matter how many times people say I understand.
I feel like im just taking up time and energy that could be spend on someone else.. Someone who does actually do something with all of the suggestions and stuff.
I just feel so.. drained I guess.


Edited by ModTeam (10/14/13 11:17 PM)
Edit Reason: Removed per request of member, ModTeam
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#447758 - 09/20/13 06:50 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3339
Loc: O Kanada
please don't think i am being simplistic here but i truly do believe these words to be true...

Henry Ford - "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right."

Invictus
by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#447779 - 09/20/13 10:20 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1523
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Sven
I'm fine... really. Just not great I guess.
I know people really want me to report them but I can't i'm sorry. All of your arguments are good arguments but I just can't.
Sven,

In my own case, I refused to make any changes in my life until things became intolerable. I had to reach my "bottom" before I would consider getting help and following through with a plan of recovery. There were many who tried to talk me into it, but I just could not give up the ways I had always coped with life, even though they were destroying me.

There is no pressure from the guys at MS to follow any particular advice. We just want you to be safe, stop the cycle of abuse, and reclaim your life. Change is scary, especially when the current situation is all you've known. But make no mistake, reaching out here on this forum IS a change. One that you can always count on. You're in our prayers.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#447860 - 09/21/13 09:59 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 276
Anyone know.. 'bodymemories' i learned thats what it is when you feel stuff happening again.. i think i hate those the most probably.. Not sure how to handle those.
Though nightmares arent fun either but hate body memories more i think. they come at the most inconvenient times too like during class or eating dinner with parents (not that that happens often, eating dinner togehter) and such.

And oh joy father is celebrating his bday tomorrow so will be having family and friends over, cant wait for that to start *note sarcasm*
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#447861 - 09/21/13 10:07 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 759
Loc: michigan
the only way I know to handle them is by breathing sven breathe slow deliberate breaths and focus on where you are it helps to practice grounding exercises they can help you to remain in the NOW rather then going back to that place
hope that helps man
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#448008 - 09/23/13 04:26 PM Re: Everything going to hell *triggers* [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 276
Well it went ok enough I guess at first.
I left half way trough when the intoxicated lvl skyrocketed and spent evening at friends place.
Had to go home eventually though, but they weren't gone yet.
Tried to sneak in without them hearing me, thank god they made enough noise that they wouldn't have heard it if a horse tried to climb the stairs. However my father went straight into my room when everyone was gone, sigh. Same thing, i freeze he does his thing, except this time he fell asleep in my bed, so I eventually defrosted myself and moved to the livingroom with a blanket and sweater.

I know for sure youthcare is involved with atleast some of them / I don't know if it's because of what I called in but atleast it's something I guess..

_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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