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#446109 - 09/01/13 02:59 AM Unmentionables
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Do any of you have sects or branches of your family who will not mention certain people, places and things?

My family did. I had a great-uncle Walter whom I envisioned as a mega-playboy of world-fame. He did come from money and a time where and when the movies accessed some pseudo-real lives.

I had once calculated his age and began investigating his whereabouts. I wanted to run-away and join-up with him in the worst way. It seemed like a truly possible escape to me for years.

The more I pestered people for answers, the more info I got. I heard things like "oh....he show's up for money every 5 years or so. No one wants to have anything to do with him." Or; "last I heard, he was living out in Vegas back in the 50s and is probably still there, and had better stay there if he knows what's good for him!"

My grandmother (his sister) got pretty darn deliberate with me once; "please don't ever speak of him again around me or anyone of our family."

I felt SO sad for him. I envisioned that he might be alone and on the streets of Vegas...a bum, seeking a hand-up. I saw myself in shoes someday.

Someday is here. If it twernt for my two kids, I'd be entirely cut-off from "the Fam." "The damaged goods, the shameful weakling, the disgusting thing that came from that branch and did not have the good taste to remain quiet for our sake...he's dead to us."

I had a family once. A fine one. One that kept its collective yap shut about the shadows.

I don't write this easily, nor am I the slightest bit trite with the topic. The pain of Great Uncle Walter is no longer imagined. The childhood fears have come true, and they are vivid as the sun.
_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#446114 - 09/01/13 05:40 AM Re: Unmentionables [Re: Still]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Still
Do any of you have sects or branches of your family who will not mention certain people, places and things?
I had to think a bit, but I can remember this situation. My mother had a younger brother who was never mentioned, my uncle William. One day when I was still a kid, when my grandparents were visiting, I overheard my grandfather arguing with my mother, saying she should make up with Willam. That he was married and had children of his own now. It was the first I'd ever heard of him. So after my grandparents went home I asked my mother about him. She refused to talk about him and I could tell it was one of those "secrets" that wasn't to be brought up...ever. We had lots of those. Anyway, later as a teenager I learned that my mother's brother had molested my older sister when she was 5 years old, and he was 19. He was banished from our home and never spoken of again. The whole thing was treated as if it never happened.

Apparently my grandparents kept their relationship with him intact. William had two daughters, cousins I never met. I always wondered if they had been safe from him.

When I learned about my sister being molested, it was after my own CSA experience. But strangely, it didn't trigger anything in me. I guess I was already neck deep in denial.

Interestingly, my sister and I both grew up to be bi-polar and obsessive-compulsive. But I was the alcoholic. Just a few more family secrets.

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#446116 - 09/01/13 06:14 AM Re: Unmentionables [Re: Still]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
*Triggers, statements of a car accident that may create intense ideation.

I grew up in a physically and sexually abusive household. The oldest sibling abused the younger ones sexually and my parents, whom have since apologized and sought to rectify the situation, were physically abusive. I feel because of that scenario that my next oldest sister died. She was almost a year older than I, we had a contentious relationship, she was the one I identified with the most. She died driving drunk, left a straight road at a ludicrous speed and simply drove into a tree, no brakes, no swerving. I miss her, I think she would have been a steady rock for me personally, she would have found stability in her life long before I did. I read these stories of survivors who live with siblings or whose siblings come over and talk to them about deep issues and I envy them. Me and my sister would have, I could have healed long before I did. We could have healed together. Anyway, there it is, she is not "not" spoken of, she is just not spoke about at length. A sort of "P.S." here, I have a younger sister who is the spitting image of her inside and out, a comfort to me. I will be the older brother for her the way I am absolutely positive my older sister would have been to me.

When our family gets together, we talk around it, the "elephant" in the room. When any topic surrounding it surfaces, there are a few comments about "remember when" mostly about how she was clumsy and funny, then the eyes drop to the floor in uncomfortable silence.

I love you Nan, I really miss you...

No matter how long I am in recovery, that still gets to me. I guess it means I am alive, good thing. Thanks Still, for reminding me how much I love that relative no one talks about,

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#446122 - 09/01/13 08:56 AM Re: Unmentionables [Re: Still]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Hey Rob,

Sorry about the loss of your family. I'm glad you have your two kids and hope your relationship with them is strong or can become strong.

I'm the secret in my family except I'm breaking all the rules so the only ones not talking about it now are my parents. I haven't said anything to my mom's sister, but wasn't that close to her anyways. My brother talks to them so I will have to ask him if they know - I'm curious now.

I know almost nothing about my dad's side of the family other then they up and left the Dekotas one day to get away from my grandfather. I don't even know his name but heard he was abusive. I now wonder if he abused my dad because my mom caught my dad in bed with another man before I was born.

So yep, there are secrets that we don't talk about and I'm sure there are more…
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446129 - 09/01/13 10:10 AM Re: Unmentionables [Re: Still]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Rob,

It's awful that they are continuing to find new ways to hurt you after all these years. I'm really sorry, and hope you can at least keep stable bonds with your kids.


And my family is full of unmentionables. You need a scorecard to keep track of all the dirty secrets, who knows what, and the maximum number of people a subject can be discussed with at any time. Let's see, we've got:

-The secret that my sister's bf was one of the most notorious pedophiles in our area
-The secret that my grandfather had 20 years of his life unaccounted for but that it involved him carrying guns in South America
-Secret abortions, secret divorces, secret remarriages, secret cousin marriages, secret poly quadra-marriages
-My favorite cousin growing up, closest in age to me and we hung out and played frequently, was secretly adopted; I was not told of this until I was in high school, and others in the family later told me they heard him saying comments as old as age 12 suggesting even he didn't know yet
-A great-aunt who was secretly schizophrenic in a secret institution, unspoken of for decades
-My mother having a secret twin brother with horrible congenital syndromes who died at age 5 or 6

Apart from my sisyer's pedo bf, all of the above was unknown to me until I was at least 16, with some not coming out until, oh, the last two years.

So what's some secret sodomy when added to the mix? I waited 22 years after knowing the basic truth. I also waited many years to tell my parents I'd been murderously bullied at school, and just as long (but from a different start date) to complain about the twisted hazing-style shit my counselors would do to all of us campers. In ALL cases, I waited until it was much too late for my parents to have actually helped with any of these problems. They were so proud of me. I could never stand to tell them anything bad about myself. Couldn't disappoint them, couldn't be less than what they'd told me all my life they were sure I was and would be. My dad is still proud of me for going to a magnet school - even after knowing I was sexually assaulted inside it. To be fair, he may have just forgotten that detail and since "returned to baseline" of how he'd always felt.


(And here's my last little secret..... I kiiillled Mufasaaaa.....)


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#446185 - 09/02/13 01:02 AM Re: Unmentionables [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
In my late teens, I became close with my male cousin Lynde, who was 20 years older than me.

That whole family sect of his got a big life cooking, with restaurants in Carmel CA, finance and horse farms. Lynde went to Cal. State for engineering and became a very successful high-tech silicon valley dude. His sisters and brothers had mixed trails. One sister married a mega-wealthy guy whom I never met. Two had very bad luck in their worship of money.

Anyway, Lynde and I did a lot together over 20 years-time. Wild Vegas trips, wild Big Sur weekends, desert car chases over 110mph, lost weekends in Mexico, crazy stuff all around. I considered him to be as close as I allowed anyone to get to me.

His sisters and brothers never paid ANY attention to him, as there was a clear Unmentionable that they seemingly shunned him for. I never knew what or why. They NEVER called him. Never wrote...never anything -- not even when I asked them to do so.

Lynde was dead for three weeks before the neighbors complained about the smell. No one knew he was gone.

There was a huge battle among his siblings for his money. One of his girlfriends from Bali introduced a nice wrench to the machine. She claimed a son of her's belonged to Lynde, and demanded the entire estate.

Now, I was introduced to the child by Lynde as soon as he met his Bali GF. The son was already about 5-yo. In other words, the boy was not his!

When I learned of the court battle brewing, I made a call or two to the sisters and left messages that they really ought to call me. They never did...LOL. Bali girl is set for life!!! LOL

It only cost the siblings several million. OOops! LO fkg L !!!!

I guess I made my own unmentionable!!!!! Wooo!

I miss him greatly. I need to bring a cold six-pack out to Barstow and laugh with him for a while.

(Barstow at night was great for rattle-snake dares) Nuther story for nuther time.
_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#446215 - 09/02/13 10:34 AM Re: Unmentionables [Re: Still]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Rob - so sorry about Lynde. I'm glad you had the time with him that you did.

I woke up this morning and thought of another secret that I didn't remember to post for whatever reason (maybe I just want to forget it).

After telling my family members who I care for the most about my sexual abuse I told them I trusted them to tell people they trusted and that they thought would benefit from knowing. My cousin told his sister and then she told him that my brother used to get in bed with her every time they were overnight at our house and molest her. I have lived with this knowledge for a couple of months now and at some point am going to call my cousin, whom my brother molested, and offer her some support. I am very nervous about doing this but feel I need to do it. She has a lot of other issues that she is dealing with that she thinks are her real problems and that this one isn't her main concern right now. My guess is that she has it backwards.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446271 - 09/02/13 10:41 PM Re: Unmentionables [Re: Still]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 133
Loc: California
Rich, good luck calling your cousin. It may be that she needs to hear from you. You're brave and kind.
_________________________
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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#446274 - 09/02/13 11:06 PM Re: Unmentionables [Re: Still]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 133
Loc: California
Yes.

My parents never once talked about their early lives. They never talked about "back home." I still don't know much about their families or their lives.

My mom told me weird secrets, like that her dad took her out to "date" older men in bars when she was in high school, and that her brother raped her when he had his first son.
_________________________
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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#446277 - 09/02/13 11:57 PM Re: Unmentionables [Re: Still]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 325
Your Not weak at all, the truth is only bared by those who can stand Its weight.
Healthy families have values and when those values are ignored there is conversation, unhealthy families have rules an when the rules are broken there is shame.
It seems like shame has been the binding glue of those who would single you out.
My friend you are way better than that.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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