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#446090 - 08/31/13 09:41 PM What does this change? ***Triggers****
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
I have hours of really deep conversation today with my wife. During one of the conversations I blurted out a realization as it happened.

I had been touched before. A different babysitter. An older girl, and I think her brother were involved. It was almost as if he was observing. It was first grade maybe. Its a dim image and I feel nothing but confusion about it.

She kissed me, gave me an errection, and asked me to finger her. I remember the confusion over what I felt when I did it. She was older, and he was older than her. I do not think I had any understanding of sex up to that point in my life. I don't feel bad about this image the way the other abuse, only lots of confusion.

I also feel like I told, though I have no way to confirm that now, and I don't think I went back.

What if anything does it change? It means there were more folks involved, stuff happened earlier. But I don't feel really much. Perhaps I am just stunned.


I think what got me, was as soon as it came out of my mouth, it was like it had always been with me, and I always knew it but it was out of reach.

I've been stressing about all the missing pieces. I feel like I have to remember everything, fill in all the gaps, make all the connection, and then understand it all in order to recover and heal. But now I understand that I will never be able to put it all together, and most will never make sense at all. This has been a hughe source of anxiety, cause just when I feel like I finally figured some things out, BAM I get hit with something else that makes me question everything again.

I just want the thoughts to stop. I just want a day where I don't question everything, I just want to calm down and relax. I just want to be strong again. I want to whole. I want to be there for them.


Edited by mattheal (08/31/13 10:32 PM)
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#446093 - 08/31/13 10:42 PM Re: What does this change? ***Triggers**** [Re: mattheal]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1584
Loc: New England
[i]
Originally Posted By: mattheal
...This has been a hughe source of anxiety, cause just when I feel like I finally figured some things out, BAM I get hit with something else that makes me question everything again.

I know just how you feel Matt. Lately I am remembering details that shock me and leave me wondering: "What next? Will I ever get to the end of this?" Maybe the answer is no. But if we can get to the point that every new memory doesn't send us into a tailspin, where knowing the WHOLE truth about it is healing, then thats progress.

Jude
_________________________
Can't be bothered with sorrow
And I can't be bothered with hate, no, no
I'm using up the time but feeling fine every day
That's why I'm telling you
I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
Rare Earth

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#446099 - 08/31/13 11:51 PM Re: What does this change? ***Triggers**** [Re: mattheal]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 224
Loc: California
Matt,

I feel like I could have written that post. I have really struggled with new memories, and new challenges that they present. These things have always been with us, just not consciously. So when we do consciously remember them, they click into place, seamlessly. I have experienced that too, and it is jarring.

From what I have heard from my fellow survivors and from what I have read, the fact that you are recovering memories at all means that you are in a stronger place than you have been before. Your wounded parts inside feel it is safe to release them. So, you are stronger, even if it may not feel like it at the moment.

The other thing about these memories is that they never grace us with appearing in any sort of chronological order. Nor do they ever seem to come with the obvious emotions or feelings we would think. Emotions surface at a much different speed in my experience. And since they are often detached from the actual event too, it just adds to the confusion. It is like the debris from a plane that crashed into the ocean, bobbing to the surface at different times.

It may not make sense now. But, in time, this seemingly disjointed memory may help complete the overall picture and be a tremendous source of insight to make sense of something else. I often liken it to getting a random puzzle piece at a time. At first there are all these random pieces on the table. In time, with enough pieces, we can actually connect them together, to form a more complete picture. And sometimes that one seemingly random piece is one that will later connect three or four separate chunks of the overall puzzle. And it will help you make sense of so many things.

I know when I finally connected to really early memories of my biological father abusing me, not just the coach, it made so much more sense to my overall picture of CSA. But, those started with really random and emotionally detached memories like you experienced with your babysitter. I thought that was going to do me in, that I had let two perps abuse me on two separate occasions. But, it didn't. It allowed me to make new connections. And then, it made this nebulous dark space inside, suddenly have meaning. It suddenly changed from this dark space, to an airport runway system at night. Suddenly, there were lights leading from one strip to the next, illuminating connections that were just empty before. I was able to see a more complete picture. Then, the feelings came after.

You have been doing a lot of hard work. All while trying to work a job and be an active part of a family. That is a lot on your shoulders. But, you have been holding all of those things up and still keep working at it. I know that can feel overwhelming at times. I am in the same boat and I am anxious all the time too. But, try to have faith that it will all pan out and be meaningful, even if it is in the future. If it was all dumped into your mind at once, you would be much more overwhelmed and incapacitated than you are now. You wouldn't be able to help yourself or continue to be involved with the family you love.

The abuse will never go away. But, I hear that if we keep up the work, we will get to a place where they do not have so much immediacy, and do not debilitate us as strongly as we are feeling them now. Our lives can and will get better. I am counting on the words of survivors that have come and gone on this board, talking of how much their lives have changed. That is what I am holding out for.

I know you will make, Matt. You have shown so much strength in my eyes since I have known you. I am constantly amazed at your efforts and progress. I know you will find your strength. I know you will finally be whole. I have faith in you, my friend.
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#446164 - 09/01/13 09:07 PM Re: What does this change? ***Triggers**** [Re: mattheal]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Having had a day to reflect, the revelation of that memory, very strong and tactile in one respect and fuzzy to the point I do not really trust it changes everything.

It helped me realize that my recovery is NOT dependent upon knowing and examining it all. There is no source, no one person I can blame. I will never be able to capture all the memories and gain some sort of absolute truth about my childhood or myself. The bridge to what I need is NOT paved with all of my childhood.

Recovery is being able to finally be able to accept myself. All of it. To be able to gain validation from within. To finally feel things and know that I will be ok. That I am not perfect. That I cant hide forever. To have the power to know what I need. To be able to say, I never learned things I should have in childhood, but can now. To peel away the grip of dysfunction. The memories will always be there. My childhood will always be bad. I can never fix it. But I can fix now. I can fix the future. I can try to change and be better - and I get to define what that means. Its breaking those chains I have let hold me in silence. Its cutting out those parts of me that stem from not being loved. From being lonely. From being abused. From never being good enough. Its killing that piece of me that says I am worthless. It finding things I can be proud of. Its getting to the point where I can say that my childhood sucked and I did the best I could. Its being able to say that despite all of it, I was able to move forward and be the parent I always wish I had. To give others the love I always wanted. To finally be me, warts and all. To really learn who I am when the lies are stripped away. To realize that it was not me who was not lovable or important, it was them who failed. Its allowing me to finally and completely accept what I never could.

Yesterday I paused as I thought this new memory would derail my progress. If anything, it strengthened my resolve and helped me understand that I need to focus recovery on now. It put me on the right track instead of the one rail with no end. My path to recover is about the future. Its not about the past.

That little boy wanted love. Wanted time. Wanted to know it was ok. He should have been a priority. HE WAS NEVER THE PROBLEM. He will be loved. He will win. He will survive motherfuckers.
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

Top
#446179 - 09/02/13 12:02 AM Re: What does this change? ***Triggers**** [Re: mattheal]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 224
Loc: California
Bravo!!! I'm giving you a standing ovation right now! This is a fantastic mission statement for a better future. I'm saving what you wrote for when I am down and out. Thanks for sharing this!
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#446217 - 09/02/13 10:41 AM Re: What does this change? ***Triggers**** [Re: mattheal]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Wow Matt. You can do it and you will be a very strong person for it!
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446269 - 09/02/13 10:39 PM Re: What does this change? ***Triggers**** [Re: mattheal]
Dave PNW Offline


Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 121
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Thanks Matt for that post. Really affirming. All about what you can do in the now. We can't change the past, but we can take right action and grow as men. Thanks for reminding me of that. Thanks man. Dave

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