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#446021 - 08/30/13 10:54 PM Re: Internal Warfare [Re: toddop]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Todd - you're awesome. You sound like a now well armed warrior heading into battle. I think your opponents are doomed! Anytime you need help rearming i'll be there for you. I look forward to the next battle and agree that each time we win we'll be that much stronger for the next one. Well, either that or it's a good day to die :-)

You are strong.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446026 - 08/31/13 12:24 AM Re: Internal Warfare [Re: toddop]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Todd, keep at it as you need to, and lay it aside when you can.
You said you need repetition, but isn't that why this place exists? I love Rich's tag-line "me too".

A word of encouragement occurred to me when you said the video game thing. Maybe one way to look at the next level that comes your way is that the universe acknowledges you've conquered the last level, you're ready for more.

life's calling you a conqueror buddy.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#446050 - 08/31/13 12:50 PM Re: Internal Warfare [Re: toddop]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Hey Gary,

I don't know if I understand completely what your saying about looking inward. but if I think what you're saying is looking at inner self I can see why people don't want to look inward. Inward for me is hell itself and I wish I never had to look at my inner self, but that wasn't my choice, it was my inner self coming to make war with me. That inner self is full of pain and horror, that's all I'm full of. My actual self is trying very hard to come to terms with inner self. Some people just can't handle that inner self and try and find ways to cover it up or kill it.

For me I would like everything that is my inner self to go away. That would mean that I shouldn't have any past before today. That inner self has been something to hide for over 40 years and now there is a problem of war between my inner self and me. I have been slowly losing that war over the past 2 years, eventually I will lose that war.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#446067 - 08/31/13 04:28 PM Re: Internal Warfare [Re: toddop]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 226
Loc: California
Jeff,

I am so sorry you feel that way about your inner self. I really understand it. This is what I am struggling with too, and why I started the post in the first place. Trying to make sense of the really negative feelings that I feel about myself all the time. I know very well the feeling that it is ALL bad inside.

I know from our exchanges in the past, that you have been a great source of encouragement and support for me. We have some real similarities in our stories. But, that support and friendship you have extended also comes from your inner self as well. So, maybe it is possible to have such bad feelings inside, but also have areas inside that hold positive feelings, at least toward others?

In fact, this is the crux of the whole post, to me. Why can we extend to others readily, what we never allow for ourselves? Often, I am brought to tears about another man's story about CSA when they were a child, and how it has impacted them. But, when I start to look inward, the chorus of "yeah, but's" start in my head. They say "yeah, but you were..." or "yeah, but you did..." These voices invalidate the sympathy that logically should also be directed at my suffering. That is what started me on this path. To understand this phenomenon that doesn't make any bit of sense when held up to scrutiny, but FEELS so real.

My hope is that if I can understand the basis of the deep sympathy and feelings I have for all of you on this site, I can understand more why I think it does not, or should not apply to me. I don't think the answer will be pretty, but I think the answer is vitally important.

(((Jeff))))

You know from our exchanges that my greatest wish is for us both to get past this and start to feel better about ourselves. I will continue to wish that for you, even when you can't for yourself.
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#447669 - 09/19/13 05:38 PM Re: Internal Warfare **triggers*** [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy
Originally Posted By: Onesimus75
If it helps, telling doesn't always help.


Great point.

I once thought, perhaps naively, that if people simply knew about the existence of child abuse, that we'd all band together and put a stop to it. Then cold reality sets in and I'm reminded of my personal experience with abuse. Even when people found out, the abuse didn't stop. They ignored it or downplayed it. Sometimes telling doesn't make a difference at all and can in fact lead to persecution....of the victim.
I think that society in general doesn't give a shit. After a week it's old news and it's forgotten. Look at Sandy Hook. It was old news until this latest atrocity happened in DC. But both these atrocities ended up as gun control issues and no sympathy for the people that were lost. If society here in the US has already forgotten about Sandy Hook school massacre then who would think about CSA.

And what about me as a gay kid wanting to have a family and falling in love with his coach and would let him pimp me out for 7 years. There is no sympathy for a kid like me. It was possibly much easier for me to end up in a river than a kid that wasn't abused. I think all the time of Sandy Hook with all those kids and their teacher laying in a pile in the corner of the room with their teacher doing her best to protect her kids.

How many people remember the Dunblane massacre in '96, this isn't ancient history. I have a picture of the schoolroom after the fact (and after the bodies were taken away). When you see the room and absorb what you have seen you will never forget Sandy Hook either.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunblane_school_massacre

As soon as the news stops the stories of any CSA story or massacre story, it's talked about at the dinner table and then forgotten as life goes on. How long will this story last.

http://edition.cnn.com/2013/09/17/us/cannibal-eat-children-case/index.html?hpt=hp_t3

Society and their memories are the problem. People would have no sympathy for me simply because I stayed in the game and because I loved my coach/pimp.

Good to see you Eric, hope all is good.

PS - Now you know why I'm at war with my inner self, I don't want to know about it. It hurt me terribly until this day both physically and mentally. Because of that kid I was unable to hold my kids and my grandkids. That's why I want that kid to go away and leave me alone. Although I'm at ease with the kid being gay and my gay friends and all the fun we did have even though we were both in the game.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff


Edited by lapchinj (09/19/13 07:48 PM)
Edit Reason: added PS -
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#447673 - 09/19/13 06:06 PM Re: Internal Warfare [Re: toddop]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York

From Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer"

Focus

Am I Making the Family Crazy?


I know that some part of telling is wanting to heal the family.
-- a male incest survivor,

If there's a fire and I call the engines---so who am I double-crossing? The fire?
-- Judy Holliday in the film BORN YESTERDAY


The first thing we have to teach all children is that nobody without permission of the parent(s) or guardians may touch their bodies. If someone does then they are to tell their parents. Hopefully the parents will take care of the rest.

A guy I know from work's kid (12) went with his mother to the doctor and he wanted him to take off his shirt. The kid jumped away and said no. the mother said it's OK but the kid told his mother that father told him nobody may do that without his permission. He refused until the mother had to call her husband at work and let the boy talk to him himself and the father told him that if he asks either him or his mother it's OK what the other tells him. The kid took off his shirt smile.

I never heard of a story where a kid refused a person of authority to do something. I gave the guy a big hug and when he asked what was that for, I told it was for him and his family. (I also bought him a coffee later in the day grin.)

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#447674 - 09/19/13 06:10 PM Re: Internal Warfare [Re: toddop]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York


(((((((((( Todd ))))))))))

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#447678 - 09/19/13 07:41 PM ! [Re: toddop]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:47 PM)

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#447703 - 09/19/13 10:56 PM Re: Internal Warfare [Re: lapchinj]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3517
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: lapchinj
I never heard of a story where a kid refused a person of authority to do something. I gave the guy a big hug and when he asked what was that for, I told it was for him and his family. (I also bought him a coffee later in the day grin.)


and this hug's for you, {{{{{{{Jeff!}}}}}}}

love that story.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#447752 - 09/20/13 04:31 PM Re: Internal Warfare [Re: toddop]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York

(((((((((( Lee ))))))))))

Thanks, but I thought that was such a great thing he taught his kids (at least that 12 year old) I just had to post it. It really surprised me. The kid didn't even take his mother's answer because he said his father said not to and his body was his and no one elses. If a doctor told me to undress I would have done it very fast so not to waste his time. I did exactly that for a tailor and ended up with a year in hell.

Thanks for the hug I needed one smile.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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