The triggers and the acting out and basically the dissolution of our marriage started almost a year ago. It's not important to go into any details and I'm able to let my anger go. He's not in therapy and I know you can't push anyone to get help. He got a job and is taking meds and thinks that's all he needs to do. He is living somewhere else and comes to visit me and the baby, but I am basically a single parent. And now fine with that. I know he thinks he just needs some time away to heal and then can come back to his family. And at first, when the hell that was this past year began, I believed that, too. But then I discovered how deep the lies went, not just the craziness of this past year but that he has been lying for years about who he is, his real age, his schooling, jobs, places he's lived, you name it. I understand that the lies are from the severe trauma he endured. I have compassion. And I love him. But I don't think I can ever really trust him again and I don't think I can stay married to him.
Of course I feel guilty and am concerned with how devastated he will be, even if he was the one who asked for the separation initially and was the one who left and the one who had many other relationships with other women. And I've been trying to let him know how I feel, that unless we go into counseling, there's no hope, but he ignores and talks about "if we get back together" and says crazy things about having more kids, even asking our toddler if he wants a brother or sister. I detach and remain calm and tell him that considering our situation, we can't talk about the future.
But I haven't told him I want a divorce. And I really don't know how. He has the potential to split and get very ugly about this and I know the process is going to be very difficult no matter what. Obviously the soft approach is not working or he's simply refusing to hear me. I want to be as nice as possible and I would give anything not to hurt him, and I'm heartbroken about it all, but I think it's best to divorce and try to figure out how to co-parent well.
Anyone have any advice on how I can tell him?