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#446007 - 08/30/13 09:23 PM how to talk so he will listen
remaininghopeful Offline


Registered: 12/30/12
Posts: 23
The triggers and the acting out and basically the dissolution of our marriage started almost a year ago. It's not important to go into any details and I'm able to let my anger go. He's not in therapy and I know you can't push anyone to get help. He got a job and is taking meds and thinks that's all he needs to do. He is living somewhere else and comes to visit me and the baby, but I am basically a single parent. And now fine with that. I know he thinks he just needs some time away to heal and then can come back to his family. And at first, when the hell that was this past year began, I believed that, too. But then I discovered how deep the lies went, not just the craziness of this past year but that he has been lying for years about who he is, his real age, his schooling, jobs, places he's lived, you name it. I understand that the lies are from the severe trauma he endured. I have compassion. And I love him. But I don't think I can ever really trust him again and I don't think I can stay married to him.
Of course I feel guilty and am concerned with how devastated he will be, even if he was the one who asked for the separation initially and was the one who left and the one who had many other relationships with other women. And I've been trying to let him know how I feel, that unless we go into counseling, there's no hope, but he ignores and talks about "if we get back together" and says crazy things about having more kids, even asking our toddler if he wants a brother or sister. I detach and remain calm and tell him that considering our situation, we can't talk about the future.
But I haven't told him I want a divorce. And I really don't know how. He has the potential to split and get very ugly about this and I know the process is going to be very difficult no matter what. Obviously the soft approach is not working or he's simply refusing to hear me. I want to be as nice as possible and I would give anything not to hurt him, and I'm heartbroken about it all, but I think it's best to divorce and try to figure out how to co-parent well.
Anyone have any advice on how I can tell him?

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#446036 - 08/31/13 09:11 AM Re: how to talk so he will listen [Re: remaininghopeful]
black dove Offline


Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 15
Loc: FL
remaininghopeful, I tried to message you but your are not accepting private messages. I have something I want to share with you privately. Linda
_________________________
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

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#446038 - 08/31/13 09:32 AM Re: how to talk so he will listen [Re: remaininghopeful]
remaininghopeful Offline


Registered: 12/30/12
Posts: 23
I don't know how to accept private messages. I'll try to change my settings.

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#446041 - 08/31/13 09:55 AM Re: how to talk so he will listen [Re: remaininghopeful]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 363
There is some wisdom from AA about 'detaching with love' that may help you. I don't have any links but I remember reading about it years ago.

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#446042 - 08/31/13 10:09 AM Re: how to talk so he will listen [Re: remaininghopeful]
remaininghopeful Offline


Registered: 12/30/12
Posts: 23
Thanks, sugar baby. I go to Al Anon and have been learning how to detach with love. It's helping a lot. But I still think it's best to end the marriage as I don't think I will ever fully trust him again.

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#446044 - 08/31/13 10:24 AM Re: how to talk so he will listen [Re: remaininghopeful]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 363
" I feel guilty and am concerned with how devastated he will be,"

I understand. It is good your familiar with AA since some of that wisdom should help you with feels of guilt then.


Edited by sugarbaby (08/31/13 10:25 AM)

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#446163 - 09/01/13 08:59 PM Re: how to talk so he will listen [Re: remaininghopeful]
remaininghopeful Offline


Registered: 12/30/12
Posts: 23
I ended up telling him and not the way I wanted. And when he was saying how depressed he was and missing us and wanting to come home. I feel so terrible. And would do anything not to cause him pain, but I don't see any alternative.

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#446170 - 09/01/13 10:29 PM Re: how to talk so he will listen [Re: remaininghopeful]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 724
Loc: NJ
I am proud of you - for communicating your needs and your wants. Be proud of you too. This is hard stuff.

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#446172 - 09/01/13 10:41 PM Re: how to talk so he will listen [Re: remaininghopeful]
remaininghopeful Offline


Registered: 12/30/12
Posts: 23
So hard. He actually thinks I'm the one giving up on our marriage and that I'm only doing this because I am hurt from all of the infidelity and acting out. I actually wish that was the case. I'm not angry or hurt anymore. But I am deeply sad and still heartbroken. For both of us. I don't know how good I was at communicating my needs as he seemed to hear none of them, just that I don't want to be married to him anymore. But I think that would have been the case no matter what language I used. Thank you, Esposa, for your support.

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