Things like this make you feel less than a man. I'm tired of this Sh**T. I know it is hard to deal with yourself but if you look at it from this angle- CONFRONT YOUR ABUSER- You will set yourself FREE!
I remember when he used to hit me, right in my face. I would stand there and act like it never happened. It made me feel so messed up that I couldn't get myself together for another hour. When he used to beat me, he suffocated me with his penis and I threw up. He had the nerve to make me continue giving him a blwjob. I was ten years old.
My mother stood there laughing as I couldn't get it together and I was so angry when she told me that I better suck his dick harder. This happened every night even when money was right. When you are violated in your face like this and the ramming continues, you want to get plastic surgery to fix the ugliness you hide by trying so hard to be perfect. He told me that if I didn't listen that he was going to kill my mom. Both of them could not see that they were killing my soul. Growing up there was no protection in that house.
When I grew into an adult, I knew that there were things missing. It wasn't just trust that was being robbed from me. It was my manhood. Some days, it feels like it has been stolen forever.
It is time for us to command our lives. It doesn't matter what happened to you. You are not the summation of all the guilt trips, the backstabbing and the terrifying situations you encounter. You are the summation of the NEW choice that you make to save yourself by never letting it happen again. Stay away from the victimizer and understand that it is not love that is being shared. It is their need to not break their own pattern of feeling that the world owes them because their mad at what happened to them.
Keep your stronghold on not giving in. Aid yourself with the self-respect that can only come when you realize that they are just a kid who knows better but is not man enough to take command of his actions. What matters is taking enough responsibility for your part of it and finding your pattern. With this you will dismantle this atrocity. You will let them know that it is not going down anymore and by sticking to this, you will notice the change. When you feel weak and are in a twisted- guilt-trap, you have to force yourself to love yourself, preserve yourself and take back your dignity to know that this face can kiss a women without feeling less than a man.
We ALL DESERVE HEALTHY, RELATIONSHIPS NOW!!!
This is not the end.