What if I lose my brother? My brother was calling my dad last night over and over again, he was suicidal. I was half awake and heard the calls when I went out to get something to eat. I went back to sleep, but when I woke up an hour later I heard the phone off the hook. I thought well who forgot... but then I realized nobody forgot anything, my dad purposely kept the phone off the hook so my brother couldn't call him, or the house more accurately. I fell asleep, woke up for my appointment, talked to my dad about what happened. He said my brother deserved what he got, saying "You have no idea the trouble he's caused me" he must've thought I'd agree, but I didn't. Maybe I would've years ago, but not now, I've forgiven my brother for everything he's done to us. And it's not just about us anyways, everything we went through, he went through first hand as an addict. Living on the streets, desperate for money, desperate for drugs... I don't care, he's my brother and he doesn't deserve to suffer like this. His mental illness is torturing him, he's got some kind of severe schizophrenia caused by all the drugs he took. He's so depressed and tormented he wants to die, and my dad says he deserves that. Horrible... My family is a fucking horror story, they're fucking insane. But I won't go into that now. What if my brother does die? Luckily this time, my dad got him to the hospital, albiet the next day when it was convenient for him after his luxurious night of sleep, while my brothers in despair. He found him, and my brother was dehydrated and had pink eye, how does someone get this bad? I mean he was filthy, unkempt, he was not taking care of himself, not eating nothing. They found a knife in his pocket. He must really want to die if he planned on using a knife... I feel like it's almost a matter of when and not what if. One day my brother's going to kill himself or overdose or something... I've dreamt of it since I was a kid. I have seen his funeral a hundred times, I've cried a hundred tears, all in my dreams. It's only a matter of time before it happens for real. I don't know what to do, he won't take his meds, and he's insane, but every once in awhile he's my brother, the brother he never was when I was growing up. The brother I never got to know until now, and now it's going to be taken from me. Just when he's there, he's gone. There are two funerals I know I will attend in the next 10 years, both of my brothers will be dead. One is dying inside from mental illness, the other has been dying since he was born from multiple mental disabilities caused from disease as an infant. I've got two ghost brothers, it's hard to cope with, hard to understand. How did this happen? Why is this happening? My heart will break when they die... This is fucking crazy. How much of this am I expected to handle? God's punching me like a fucking punching bag.
I'm dealing with so much sadness, so much pain, so much despair and darkness. It's ridiculous that I'm still taking this shit. But what can I do but just live. I don't know what to say, I'm getting ravaged and I know it's just gonna keep coming. Things are supposed to get better, I mean everybody says "It gets better" yeah well when???? Not for me it don't, nope I just keep getting shit on.
Blah blah blah, it's just fucking words on a monitor, nothings gonna change a fucking thing. I'm just venting, I don't know where to post this so here it's in "Off Topic".
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein