Half-wracked prejudice leaped forth Ripped down all hate, I screamed Lies that life is black and white Spoke from my skull, I dreamed Romantic facts of musketeers Foundationed deep somehow Ahh, but I was so much older then I'm younger than that now
In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand At the mongrel dogs who teach Fearing not that I'd become my enemy In the instant that I preach My existence led by confusion boats Mutiny from stern to bow Ahh, but I was so much older then I'm younger than that now
Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats Too noble to neglect Deceived me into thinking I had something to protect Good and bad, I define these terms Quite clear, no doubt somehow Ahh, but I was so much older then I'm younger than that now
Nietzsche was not the father of Nazism but he was an important figure to help understand how homos turn against themselves when he said " Whoever despises himself nonetheless respects himself as one who despises". Awakening of homosexual feelings regardless of what happened to us when younger, so often brings thoughts of shamefulness, depravity and sin. He was right to say organized religion had poisoned human sexuality by being profoundly repressive. Even for str8's there is no masturbation, sex outside marriage and even sex within marriage- a blow job is still considered sodomy and is still on the law books in many states. It is a cognitive and rational disconnect.
So for the gay boy/man growing up, there is a greater self repression cuz there is no way its going to be ok. For the survivor its even less ok cuz our sense of self and sexuality was so hijacked. When many of us older guys were coming to a sexual awakening, the vicious and obsessive homophobia that poisoned the culture of our schools, home and especially church gained the upper hand and no where more than in our own psyche. I was foundationed deep somehow!
Sadly many of us misdirected our well intentioned attempts to find security or affirmation and turned to really unhealthy acts - I anguish over my unspeakables. Some turned to religion for divine rescue only to find that gay thoughts, fantasies or certainly "acts" were not only sin, but would condemn you to eternal hellfire. Pascal's wager weighs so heavy on such a guilty heart, how can that boy ever feel OK? It is contemptible how we are treated by fundamentalism whether by the church, state or even the bloody Olympics. They need to be relegated to OUR BACK PAGES.
The only way we can help the young men who come after us is to be uncompromising in denouncing any fundamentalism that peddles such horrific contempt for lgbt people. To help us heal ourselves and at the same time those young men is to root out and turn that contempt we all held for ourselves for far too long and direct it towards the thought systems that ignorantly conspire to keep us as defective, not normal, immoral "others". My existence led by confusion boats Mutiny from stern to bow.
Treating cruel beliefs with "respect" will only delay their demise and demean ourselves as silence equals collusion. This pseudo liberal dogma that all laws, or doctrines are beyond criticism, is intellectually dishonest and does nothing to protect and indeed promotes further suffering. If I was in the Olympics, I would be waving a rainbow flag and mugging for the camera as I failed to qualify for the finals.
We are lucky that we are a community that always strive to respect and have compassion for our brothers but we are under no obligation to respect false, cruel and bigoted beliefs, even if those beliefs derive from new legislation or an ancient book, culture or tradition. We have all been deceived into thinking it was something we had to protect!
I am grateful for so much but mostly those things that kept us down for so long are losing their grip. It's up to us to pry those fingers, however we can. I have noticed my closet going from brown and black to yellow and purple. I always thought I was a winter, turns out, I am a spring. I was so much str8r then I'm gayer than that now!
Edited by 1lifenow (08/19/1304:37 AM)
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama
I came across this the very next day ironically from the director Lee Daniels. He said:
'Black men can't come out. Why? Because you simply can't do it,' Daniels says on Larry King Now. 'Your family says it. Your church says it. Your teachers say it. Your parents say it. Your friends say it. Your work says it.'
I guess its up to us to say it, the more we do, the less shocking, sensational and deviant it becomes. The more human, less variegated and just more real and regular it becomes. That's what I am trying to find the courage to do. I didn't come out to the boys I coached in school, I just showed them ironically that saying negative things about gays is no different than saying racist things.
here is the daniels interview on larry king
we cant accept being third class citizens. It starts with micheal Jackson's man in the mirror refrain. whooda thunk?
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama
Thank you, too! There are important lessons in what you and Lee Daniels have said and do. Living as openly as possible and sharing our beliefs and experiences certainly chip away at the old and solid wall of prejudice and intolerance; until the small cracks appear first and then larger ones eventually bringing the whole damn thing falling down! (The wall metaphor is borrowed from another wise member here, thanks CloudyFalls)
Seems too that in your capacity as an educator and coach wouldn't permit you to be completely open about your life and that you should not feel badly about not sharing your orientation. It was more important that you were instructional with the boys you coached than in being out to them. I don't see it as an issue, others may, but you addressed them appropriately, that was enough.
You are a brave man and have courage, not to worry.
Gary / 1.healing
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."
Loc: PDX- Portland OR
(Gentlemen, Peers, Gays or Questioning, above all-MEN)
I bring to your attention my own childhood. I was blithely ignorant of my own denial and self-deception, not realizing that I was taught to hate homosexuals even while I was one. It was not a leap to pretend when I was 3 or 4 that I was like the others, but by the time I was 20, grappling with incest, grappling with denial about the incest, grappling with molestation and denial about molestation, It was an active lie. I didn't just think about sex, sex was and is a complete part of who I am. I was and am a vibrant sexual creature. Just as any other boy or man.
I know a priest whose calling and ministry presented him with a tremendous amount of self hate behind his homosexuality, he is defrocked and living with a boyfriend, having come out in his fifties.
I know a businessman, a guy who worked in wastewater management till he retired, and he came out when he was in his eighties. He still lives with his wife, and they stay married, because she isn't threatened by him having a boyfriend now.
The whole point of this is that if you or any man is standing just north of the crossroads of coming out, you may realize that one must let go of one's internalized homophobia, ("fear of being queer") and as soon as one does, you realize that with all of that fear of what others will think came a degree of denial/shame/self-hatred/fear that made us think about what will we think of ourselves.
The most hated man is one who hates himself. No one hates themselves more than a homophobic gay hating closeted gay man. It is just one of the wrinkles in the fabric of coming out, you don't really plan to be one, it just happens and then you realize it:
I don't like out gay men, have they no shame?
I don't approve of public displays of same sex affection, it is shameful and the children might see.
Gay people shouldn't marry because they won't stay together.
These are the kind of statements I remember making as I transitioned from Married/straight to Divorced/Gay.
Now that I am OUT and PROUD of being who I am, I realize that looking back I couldn't have avoided all the self hate. I tended to ignore the problems, pretend they didn't exist and shared my self shame of being homosexual with every other gay person I saw on TV or met.
I was a lonely, bitter, very unhappy, miserable person. If I could go back and give my child self any gift, it would be self love and acceptance of homosexuality. I am so thankful I was able to come out when I did, and would have loved to have come out earlier. My family didn't have to accept me, I needed to accept and love my gay self.
Love your gay selves!
Don't ever give up! Love your way to self acceptance, then you won't care nearly so much who knows.
These are all things I said at one time or another
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