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#445682 - 08/28/13 08:44 AM Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1554
It has been a difficult night, I tossed and turned and the past kept flashing through my mind. My mind raced, what would I say, what would I be asked, would I hold it together. In a few short hours I will know as I go to meet the representatives from the dioceses of the church to bring resolution to the past and the abuse. My hope is to get the validation I need from the church. I have a supporter with me to help me through these hours, but I do not want to burden because I know it is my journey and whatever happens today will somehow influence this journey. The clock seems to tick slowly waiting for 11 am EST meeting. I have been so discombobulated this morning, spilled tea all over me. I never thought I would be meeting with the diocese face to face, never believing I would have the strength. I guess all the support from here, my support groups, therapist, friends and supporters have allowed me to get here. Thank you.

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#445689 - 08/28/13 09:15 AM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
KMCINVA,

You'll be OK. I'm glad you have a supporter by your side. You've reached a pivotal point in your recovery, and it's understandable you're really anxious. I've been following your story; you've made tremendous strides and come a long way. I'm proud of you for having the courage to face the diocese and your abuse head-on. Everything will be alright. I hope you get the closure and validation you need and deserve. Whatever happens today, we'll be here to support you.
_________________________
Husky

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#445694 - 08/28/13 10:16 AM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
Lifting you up in spirit as you go...
lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#445701 - 08/28/13 10:55 AM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
Jude Online   content


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1481
Loc: New England
We are all with you in this man. You make us proud.
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#445793 - 08/28/13 10:18 PM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
I hope the meeting was both constructive and healing. I say without exaggeration that the courage you showed today is both incredible and inspiring. On a personal note, thank you for taking a stand against abuse inside the Catholic Church. We have a lot of allies amongst both the clergy and laity. I think this rings true for almost all organizations in which institutional abuse occurred. The more survivors who come forward and speak out the more strength is gained for our cause and, quite frankly, theirs as well.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#445874 - 08/29/13 03:25 PM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1554
Thank you for your support. Up to the meeting I was anxious, nervous and fearful. But once the meeting began all that changed.

The meeting exceeded my expectations. I was treated with respect and dignity. Never did I feel like the victim. It was emotional for me as I described some events and I could see sadness in the eyes of those listening. I felt compassion and understanding and even felt safe as the meeting moved on. What they said, how they said the words, certain statements made and what they offered gave me the validation of what happened I sought. It is real not only to me but also to the church.

They encouraged me to file a formal grievance with the diocese and at a minimum to contact the Hotline in Ct to make law enforcement aware of what occurred so a they can ensure he is not working with children. The statute of limitations will not allow for criminal penalties. I was quite surprised at the intensity of their words for me to file a formal complaint. I did learn most victims do not go to that stage. I will contemplate but feel they do want to do what is right--help me and to have the priest held accountable for what he did to me and probably others. They know more about him and his past than I.

I was also encouraged by their statements relating to trauma. They admitted they now understand the lifetime effects of CSA on a child. We discussed my history and to them it is not all that unusual and each situation is different. It was uplifting that the church now recognizes dissociation, PTSD, suicide, addictions and other effects of the trauma from this type of abuse. In the past their attitude was get over it or it did not happen or the effects are not real. I thought I would have faced this environment but I was wrong.

I told them I would evaluate as to my next steps and I needed time. I also told them the meeting gave me validation of what happened and hope for tomorrow. I truly believe the validation of the abuse allowed me to let go of the abusers control. I felt free as I walked out the door. I had lived in an environment that basically dismissed the abuse as nonsense and the effects as imaginary. So for me, their barbs, taunts and dismissal is a reflection of who they are and not reality of what I and so many victims have lived.

I was furthered surprised as I left the elevator in the lobby. Standing there was someone who has been very supportive and I was to meet after my SNAP support meeting last night for dinner. She was worried because of my state in the morning. She feared the meeting would go terribly wrong and I would be a mess. She was quite surprised and said I was so calm as though someone slipped me a few Valiums. I was feeling calm and at peace. We went for a drink before I headed off to SNAP.

I went to SNAP and everyone was surprised. For several survivors, years earlier, they had horrific experiences. They were overjoyed that I was finding peace and surprised to hear of a change in the church's view and understanding of CSA.

Dinner was still on and it was a wonderful evening. The night was filled with best wishes,positive thoughts and a statement it was wonderful to have me just there. I was perplexed by this statement, and asked what that meant. She said my past was always with me but not tonight. Now if I can keep this state going, I know I will have defeated the abuser. But it is each day at a time. I mentioned this statement to my therapist today and he said he understood and has seen a change in me over the past few weeks. He remarked, getting validation has helped me to move along.

Thank you for your support and kind words. I know I will seek it in the future and will let you know how far down the grievance process I will go. Today validation of the abuse is all I need.

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#445907 - 08/29/13 10:31 PM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
Jude Online   content


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1481
Loc: New England
WOW, it just doesn't get much better than this! Thanks for doing this for yourself. You've also done alot for us in the process.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#445913 - 08/29/13 11:35 PM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1554
Jude

Thank you. I was fortunate to have this healing experience. But I know there are future challenges on this journey. I would not be here without the support of people on MS, support groups, therapist and friends. I am so grateful for everyone here at MS.

I am so appreciative of so much kindness and understanding.

Kevin

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#445919 - 08/29/13 11:56 PM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 315
Loc: Iowa, USA
Kevin,
I have had some positive experiences with my diocese lately. I spoke with the office of victim advocacy and they have given me some good materials for survivors of priest abuse. I have a meeting scheduled with the archbishop next week. I've got a positive outlook on this.

Dave

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#445935 - 08/30/13 07:27 AM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1554
Dave

I am happy you are moving forward. It takes courage. I believe the church is trying to make amends. I was offered the opportunity to meet with the bishop but feel it is not the right time for me. Maybe in time. I hope your meeting goes well and you leave fulfilled as to what you are seeking. It is a brave step forward. Let me know how your meeting goes. We are here to support you.

Kevin

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#445976 - 08/30/13 03:59 PM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
KMC -

this is like the happy ending of a movie! i can hear the music swelling now. it is so much better than i could have hoped.

of course, i know that it is not really the end unless you decide not to go any further with pursuing the avenues still open to you.

but i hope you will pause and rest and savor the moment and enjoy this victory. because - incomplete as it is - it IS a HUGE improvement upon what you were expecting and what most people would fear.

so - my suggestion is not to rush to a decision too quickly. take your time and take care of yourself. be prepared for a possible emotional letdown as the initial exhilaration subsides.

you have accomplished so much and grown so much and dredged up resources from depths of resiliency that i find inspiring and encouraging.

no matter what happens next - you are a VICTOR and a HERO and a WINNER!!! my congratulations and best wishes and prayers for the future...

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#446039 - 08/31/13 09:53 AM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1554
Lee

Thank you for the support and advise. You like others have encouraged me to take my time and think what I should do next. I agree. I am happy where I am today and the validation I received has helped to heal the wounds and put those who tried to stifle the healing with saying the abuse was not or abuse does not have the effects it had on me into their proper place. They need to evaluate their own actions and the core of their moral compassion.

So for now I will enjoy my new sense of freedom and will be viligent to monitor my emotions as the exhuberance of the validation and freedom become me. I know in the past I had setbacks when I made progress in healing. However today I am living in a safer environment and not surrounded by taunts and false accusations. My T says should be helpful in not being subject to the sense of re-victimization that previously impacted my healing. I am hopeful but cautious.

I believe everyone here is a hero. Everyone is facing a past that most do not understand and many belittle what we lived and the effect it had on our lives and sadly theirs. To heal is tough and all victims and survivors are heroes to have endured such brutality and betrayal. I am no braver than others. But it is nice to hear those words every so often.

I am grateful for all the support and will take my time on my next steps. I will not let the impulse to push forward control what I do. I have done this in the past on this healing journey and it proved too much too soon. Resulting in extensive episodes of dissociation and fugues. A world I do not want to continue to experience even if the child is looking for safety vs the abuse. I need to remain in the here and now.

Thank you and for everyone onthis journey we should be thankfu for all the supporters we meet on MS.

I have more healing to

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#446040 - 08/31/13 09:54 AM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1554
Lee

Thank you for the support and advise. You like others have encouraged me to take my time and think what I should do next. I agree. I am happy where I am today and the validation I received has helped to heal the wounds and put those who tried to stifle the healing with saying the abuse was not or abuse does not have the effects it had on me into their proper place. They need to evaluate their own actions and the core of their moral compassion.

So for now I will enjoy my new sense of freedom and will be viligent to monitor my emotions as the exhuberance of the validation and freedom become me. I know in the past I had setbacks when I made progress in healing. However today I am living in a safer environment and not surrounded by taunts and false accusations. My T says should be helpful in not being subject to the sense of re-victimization that previously impacted my healing. I am hopeful but cautious.

I believe everyone here is a hero. Everyone is facing a past that most do not understand and many belittle what we lived and the effect it had on our lives and sadly theirs. To heal is tough and all victims and survivors are heroes to have endured such brutality and betrayal. I am no braver than others. But it is nice to hear those words every so often.

I am grateful for all the support and will take my time on my next steps. I will not let the impulse to push forward control what I do. I have done this in the past on this healing journey and it proved too much too soon. Resulting in extensive episodes of dissociation and fugues. A world I do not want to continue to experience even if the child is looking for safety vs the abuse. I need to remain in the here and now.

Thank you and for everyone onthis journey we should be thankfu for all the supporters we meet on MS.

I have more healing to

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#446049 - 08/31/13 12:15 PM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
Originally Posted By: KMCINVA

I am no braver than others. But it is nice to hear those words every so often.


There are many of us who are not brave enough to do the work and I don't blame them. Recovery from what we've gone through is tough stuff. Taking it to the grave could be easier for some.

So you are going to have to here it again - you are braver than some IMHO and I thank you for that because it's inspirational.

Thanks for the updates. With this kind path I'm sure the movie will have a happy ending.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446123 - 09/01/13 08:57 AM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1554
Rich

Thank you for the kind words. It is a journey for all of us. We have so many ups and downs, feelings of being unworthy. It is only with support, kind words, a smile or an attentive ear that allow us to move forward and heal. For me I have been fortunate and found supporters here and outside MS.

What I do next on this journey I do not know but keep thinking I should call the Hotline so an eye is kept on him. This I will do. The formal grievance process I do not know. I do not need anymore validation. The church knows, I know and with the Hotline he will know. I also think the abuser knows he has not gone unnoticed and his victims have made their abuse known to the church.

Thanks again.

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#446126 - 09/01/13 09:41 AM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
You are very welcome :-)

Hope your abuser is feeling the pressure soon.

Take care.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#448254 - 09/25/13 11:14 PM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1554
Tonight at my support meeting I shared what happened with my meeting with the Diocese. It is a group primarily of people who have been abused by members of the clergy. They were amazed but so happy for me, just like everyone here. To them validation was the most important thing for healing--they commented on how over the past several months they have seen a change in my demeanor, walk and smile. But for me the most important feedback was their experiences with filing a formal grievance with the diocese. To them it was hell and put them in a place of being the victim. They thought where I was and what I received from the meetings was the best of all worlds and not to put myself into a position of being re-victimized. I had concluded this recently and hearing their words gave validation to my decision. For me, I am at the next phase to help others (and I have done some volunteer work) but now realize telling my story of the abuse and the effects and triggers, giving a shoulder to others and helping others heal is where I must go.

Strangely, last night we were at a cocktail party and we were at a table with a person who had been a passenger on one of the Columbia flights in the 1980's. He talked about his venture in space but I found one comment most interesting--he said everyone should spent sometime in space because the euphoria from weightlessness takes away all problems and memories of bad times--I thought wouldn't that be great for everyone here to have the opportunity to forget such a horrific chapter in our lives.

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#448480 - 09/27/13 08:24 PM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1167
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: KMCINVA
.....For me, I am at the next phase to help others (and I have done some volunteer work) but now realize telling my story of the abuse and the effects and triggers, giving a shoulder to others and helping others heal is where I must go.

Hey KMCINVA,

I'm really sorry I missed this thread I guess I was in my own world. I would have loved to give you some support and love before your meeting with the church. I'm sorry.

Your story of the meeting was more than I ever expected. It gave me hope in that I will eventually get some feeling of relief from my past. You have no idea how happy I am that it went so well. I would have done the same thing as that lady from SNAP did, I think that was awful sweet and kind. I'm so happy that it went so well. My venture into space was through drugs and dissociation. I would rather go into space that passenger on Columbia did.

There are happy endings to horrible stories.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________

Stick around, It will get better....

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