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#445682 - 08/28/13 08:44 AM Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
It has been a difficult night, I tossed and turned and the past kept flashing through my mind. My mind raced, what would I say, what would I be asked, would I hold it together. In a few short hours I will know as I go to meet the representatives from the dioceses of the church to bring resolution to the past and the abuse. My hope is to get the validation I need from the church. I have a supporter with me to help me through these hours, but I do not want to burden because I know it is my journey and whatever happens today will somehow influence this journey. The clock seems to tick slowly waiting for 11 am EST meeting. I have been so discombobulated this morning, spilled tea all over me. I never thought I would be meeting with the diocese face to face, never believing I would have the strength. I guess all the support from here, my support groups, therapist, friends and supporters have allowed me to get here. Thank you.

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#445689 - 08/28/13 09:15 AM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 545
KMCINVA,

You'll be OK. I'm glad you have a supporter by your side. You've reached a pivotal point in your recovery, and it's understandable you're really anxious. I've been following your story; you've made tremendous strides and come a long way. I'm proud of you for having the courage to face the diocese and your abuse head-on. Everything will be alright. I hope you get the closure and validation you need and deserve. Whatever happens today, we'll be here to support you.
_________________________
The ratio of good to bad people in this world will always be tipped in favor of the latter. Always. But that ratio in your own social circle, you can control. And there, and only there, can the balance be favorably tipped, so that those who love you far outnumber those who don't.

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#445694 - 08/28/13 10:16 AM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3199
Loc: back in the USA
Lifting you up in spirit as you go...
lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#445701 - 08/28/13 10:55 AM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
We are all with you in this man. You make us proud.
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#445793 - 08/28/13 10:18 PM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
I hope the meeting was both constructive and healing. I say without exaggeration that the courage you showed today is both incredible and inspiring. On a personal note, thank you for taking a stand against abuse inside the Catholic Church. We have a lot of allies amongst both the clergy and laity. I think this rings true for almost all organizations in which institutional abuse occurred. The more survivors who come forward and speak out the more strength is gained for our cause and, quite frankly, theirs as well.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#445874 - 08/29/13 03:25 PM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
Thank you for your support. Up to the meeting I was anxious, nervous and fearful. But once the meeting began all that changed.

The meeting exceeded my expectations. I was treated with respect and dignity. Never did I feel like the victim. It was emotional for me as I described some events and I could see sadness in the eyes of those listening. I felt compassion and understanding and even felt safe as the meeting moved on. What they said, how they said the words, certain statements made and what they offered gave me the validation of what happened I sought. It is real not only to me but also to the church.

They encouraged me to file a formal grievance with the diocese and at a minimum to contact the Hotline in Ct to make law enforcement aware of what occurred so a they can ensure he is not working with children. The statute of limitations will not allow for criminal penalties. I was quite surprised at the intensity of their words for me to file a formal complaint. I did learn most victims do not go to that stage. I will contemplate but feel they do want to do what is right--help me and to have the priest held accountable for what he did to me and probably others. They know more about him and his past than I.

I was also encouraged by their statements relating to trauma. They admitted they now understand the lifetime effects of CSA on a child. We discussed my history and to them it is not all that unusual and each situation is different. It was uplifting that the church now recognizes dissociation, PTSD, suicide, addictions and other effects of the trauma from this type of abuse. In the past their attitude was get over it or it did not happen or the effects are not real. I thought I would have faced this environment but I was wrong.

I told them I would evaluate as to my next steps and I needed time. I also told them the meeting gave me validation of what happened and hope for tomorrow. I truly believe the validation of the abuse allowed me to let go of the abusers control. I felt free as I walked out the door. I had lived in an environment that basically dismissed the abuse as nonsense and the effects as imaginary. So for me, their barbs, taunts and dismissal is a reflection of who they are and not reality of what I and so many victims have lived.

I was furthered surprised as I left the elevator in the lobby. Standing there was someone who has been very supportive and I was to meet after my SNAP support meeting last night for dinner. She was worried because of my state in the morning. She feared the meeting would go terribly wrong and I would be a mess. She was quite surprised and said I was so calm as though someone slipped me a few Valiums. I was feeling calm and at peace. We went for a drink before I headed off to SNAP.

I went to SNAP and everyone was surprised. For several survivors, years earlier, they had horrific experiences. They were overjoyed that I was finding peace and surprised to hear of a change in the church's view and understanding of CSA.

Dinner was still on and it was a wonderful evening. The night was filled with best wishes,positive thoughts and a statement it was wonderful to have me just there. I was perplexed by this statement, and asked what that meant. She said my past was always with me but not tonight. Now if I can keep this state going, I know I will have defeated the abuser. But it is each day at a time. I mentioned this statement to my therapist today and he said he understood and has seen a change in me over the past few weeks. He remarked, getting validation has helped me to move along.

Thank you for your support and kind words. I know I will seek it in the future and will let you know how far down the grievance process I will go. Today validation of the abuse is all I need.

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#445907 - 08/29/13 10:31 PM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
WOW, it just doesn't get much better than this! Thanks for doing this for yourself. You've also done alot for us in the process.

Jude
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#445913 - 08/29/13 11:35 PM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
Jude

Thank you. I was fortunate to have this healing experience. But I know there are future challenges on this journey. I would not be here without the support of people on MS, support groups, therapist and friends. I am so grateful for everyone here at MS.

I am so appreciative of so much kindness and understanding.

Kevin

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#445919 - 08/29/13 11:56 PM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 300
Loc: Iowa, USA
Kevin,
I have had some positive experiences with my diocese lately. I spoke with the office of victim advocacy and they have given me some good materials for survivors of priest abuse. I have a meeting scheduled with the archbishop next week. I've got a positive outlook on this.

Dave

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#445935 - 08/30/13 07:27 AM Re: Today I Meet With The Church Over the Abuse [Re: KMCINVA]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
Dave

I am happy you are moving forward. It takes courage. I believe the church is trying to make amends. I was offered the opportunity to meet with the bishop but feel it is not the right time for me. Maybe in time. I hope your meeting goes well and you leave fulfilled as to what you are seeking. It is a brave step forward. Let me know how your meeting goes. We are here to support you.

Kevin

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