Yeah, I should go see a dr. I probably will. I'm 41. It's probably not heart related (it does not run in my family).
But a thought struck me. I don't care if I die of a heart attack, or if I'm suddenly snatched away. I simply don't care. I wouldn't be leaving behind anyone who cares about me.
I've been single most of my life, don't have any close friends, and I don't have anyone to hang out with where I am. I'm a total loner. I've tried and tried and tried to make friends, and I just simply can't. Forget about romance - it doesn't exist.
So be it. If I die, I really don't give a shit. No one else would really miss me.
Magellan, You've been here for years, it looks like. On general principle I care whether or not you have a heart attack. I really, really didn't come here to meet people. But I'd rather have you know you have at least one person to talk to rather than no one. Isn't that the entire point of being here? You can PM me if you want. I can't promise having any great answers, but I will listen. K? Just don't give up on yourself. Feel better.
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.
Loc: where the shadows lie
I resisted responding at first because I didn't want you to be upset if the first reply you got was "I don't know what to say," but I decided I always just like to know people read what I write even if they don't have an answer.
So I don't know what to say (lol, told you I was going to say that!). I have so many issues when it comes to getting help for myself. Doctors have been jerks to me and worse than that they've been expensive jerks. Its hard for me to believe I'm worth spending money on. I used to believe I was destined for an early grave. Maybe more hoped than believe. I'm not disabled in the way some people are, but the combination of my physical and psychiatric issues do keep me from being able to hold down a job or live life on a normal schedule. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful wife who has stayed with me through all this (its not been easy and required me to make drastic changes in the way I express my emotions in order to keep her, buts its been worth it) but beyond her I have no relationships with anyone at all. So when we are on the rocks, it can spiral into depression very fast if I'm not careful. And there are so many things about me that she will never understand that I spend a lot of time knowing that the real deepest parts of me are still on their own.
I know that's not the same place you are. And I don't know what to say that would be uplifting. I think you are valuable. I think the hero's journey is a journey about being alone. The end goal of the journey is for the hero to be equally at peace either in the wilderness or in the village. . . meaning either alone or in society. Even people surrounded by love and family are alone if they don't find value from inside. Its nice when other people tell you that you are worth something, but who are they really? Just other people. They're opinion isn't law. Whether they say good things, bad things, or nothing, their words only have power if we give them power. Which means the power is inside us. Which means we can say those things to ourselves and it is just as real.
There's a song that is incredibly sad but I love it. Its called "Learn to be lonely." Its about giving up hope that anyone will ever understand us. But I find it important because the promise that another human being can completely understand us is a false hope. Its a lie. Our best friend and closest ally has to be ourselves. We have to listen to our own voice louder than anyone else's. And since we have such a responsibility, we have the duty to figure out what we need to hear. No outside voice can doom you or save you. Only you can.
I kind of got rambling, but I hope some of what I said makes sense.
You are right that your chest pain may not be related to your heart, but nevertheless, you should get it checked out. It does happen to guys your age and younger.
But to your point that "I wouldn't be leaving behind anyone who cares about me". What are we, chopped liver? And what about the boy or boys that you are a Big Brother to? Don't they matter? And no doubt there are others whose lives you have touched that are the better for it.
Like with George Bailey's wish that he had never been born, you will find out that YOU MATTER. Not because you are the best, brightest, richest, hottest guy in town, but because you are YOU, and God loves you.
Go see the doctor.
I will remember you Will you remember me? Don't let your life pass you by Weep not for the memories Sarah McLachlan
Thanks for expressing your empathy, guys, but at the risk of alienating all of you - I need you to acknowledge the difference between an online thing, and face to face human contact. Where there are smiles, and hugs, and tears.
Real human contact. Intimate human contact. Literal CLOSENESS. I have *none* of this in my life. I haven't had anything remotely close to closeness with another in about 8 years now.
It's been horrifically lonely and depressing.
My Little Brother and I? We aren't close. He's got some real emotional issues that have made it difficult. It's a real challenge.
What I'm saying is that there is no one in my life, in my physical presence, who would miss me should I die. That's just the plain sad truth.
Thanks again, and hope I didn't alienate all of you.
Never hurts to have a checkup with a doctor, they'll do a simple EKG in the office a few noninvasive electrode patches and some glue and then take it from there. I've had a lot of stress related chest pain over the years, a very common issue with survivors, and I usually just ignore it, but if serious non-relenting pain you need to get treatment right away and again it wouldn't hurt to see your physician for a check up.
I'm very sorry you don't have the up-close personal contact you wish for. Not sure why this has been like that for you, it's unfortunate because you really are a remarkable person, I think someone would be very fortunate to share your love. I do think he's out there and you'll connect one day, but even if not you've been blessed with other love in your life. Please, don't discount that, it is very meaningful too, and is certainly worth nurturing and growing offers of friendships too.
Fear not what has not been nor may never be; the heroes journey is always one of uncertainty and unknowns and he always acts in spite of his fear... you are that hero!
Gary / 1.healing
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."
I don't think you could alienate us with the feelings you've expressed. I have a wife and 4 kids and I felt so alone. I felt like what you have written and I have intimate contact with at least one person. I guess my story is a little bit more like Jacob's. I would love to be able to make some friends outside my marriage. I think it would be pretty cool to have a guy I called my best friend. I had one friend like that this last year, but that ended badly like all my other attempts back in HS and college. Who knows if it will happen, but I keep trying and it's painful. I wanted to die so badly about a year ago so I wouldn't have to go through the pain of addressing my CSA issues. I just couldn't go the suicide route. I'm glad it didn't happen, but it's still painful.
I think the way we touch people's lives here is more real than the actual physical contact I have with my wife. What's really nice is when you have both. I hope you can take comfort in knowing that people here think you are real and you are part of their lives.
What do you do to try and meet people so you can make some friends?
If you lived in PA I'd asked you for your address so I could come over and hug you this weekend!
"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.
I read your introduction/story. I wish I could PM you, but you've reached your quota :-( so maybe you've already had enough people reach out to you and if that's the case you deserve it and more! Your story has so many great descriptions of exactly what I feel like I went through and I guess still struggle with today. From your story I edited and highlighted the stuff I most closely related too:
Originally Posted By: Magellan
Greetings, fellow Survivors,
...When I was 5 or 6, my cousin (5 years older) decided to introduce me to sex. I can't remember any of the specifics, except for this one time when he urinated in my mouth. I do remember enjoying it (not the urine), and because I felt close and accepted from the touch, I asked for more of it. This lasted a few years. Then he suddenly stopped doing it, and said it was nasty. I felt rejected.
That was the extent of the abuse (or so I thought). I spent the last 30 years of my life basically dismissing it, thinking it wasn't much of a big deal....
...I found myself having a difficult time making friends. I had a few very close and intimate relationships with a few guys, and I was not a very good friend to them. So needy and clingy and desperate for affection and validation, that out of terror, I would emotionally manipulate them to be around me and assure me. ...
...I realized that I was using people for validation, and I decided I never wanted to use people like that again. So 10 years ago was my last intimate relationship with another human being.
I've spent the last 10 years becoming more and more lonely. Angry. bitter. Watching my life waste away despite all of my best efforts...
...Then I learned that I have a difficult time trusting people. And I had a lot of anxiety. And I was viewing everything through a sexual filter (who will I choose to spend my time with, and who do I want as my friends?). All of this is highly dysfunctional. How did this come to be?...
...I wish I could remember the very first time - I know I didn't initiate, and I must have felt scared and out of control...
...It was because of the Emotional Incest of my mom, and because of the overt incest with my cousin, that I cannot trust people. I have terrible boundaries in my thought processes - I take everything personally. I'm unable to feel intimacy. I've developed a maladaptive behavior that has me thinking that having sex is the only way to feel intimate and close to someone else.
...And if I'm not attracted to someone, then I don't want to be friends with them. I only want to be friends with people I'm physically attracted to, and want to have sex with...
...Suffice it to say - I've become extremely lonely and desolate. I became suicidal last year as a result...
...I had always described the problems of my lack of social life and connecting to people like feeling stuck underwater in a swimming pool in the back yard of a place where there is a house party.
Everyone's having a blast, the music is blaring, people are dancing and laughing and hugging. I'm in the pool, just under the surface, looking up, watching the distorted, refracted happy things going on above the surface, and hearing the muted sounds of laughter under water. And I can't join them. I'm stuck there. Stuck like molasses. Unable to break the surface. Slowly drowning. No one seems to notice or care...
I remember telling my T early on that it felt like I did life with a condom on and now I'm really doing life without it now - it's intense and sometimes more than I can bear.
Thanks for sharing that and I hope your chest pains are gone and your are OK. I also hope that you are not feeling so alone still and that you lived closer by...
"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.
So needy and clingy and desperate for affection and validation, that out of terror, I would emotionally manipulate them to be around me and assure me.
This sounds to me like a huge abandonment trauma. He left you after being the first to give you any form of intimacy. I totally relate, I've been there my whole life too.
Finding healthy outlets for intimacy is really helpful for me. I am studying Aikido and about to start with Contact Improv dance. I also attend a rope bondage night which is really friendly and about trusting people and tying and getting tied up. These are ways I can touch and be touched that are safe for me and have a structure that supports both connecting and letting go.
One book I am slowly reading that is shedding a lot of light on my intimacy issues is 'Hold Me Tight'. It's available on Amazon, I recommend it. We all have a need to form secure attachments, both as children bonded to caregivers, and also as adults bonded to close friends and partners. So it's not a bad thing to want to feel secure, to be held.
More than anything, I think it's how we ask, and how we negotiate and communicate, acknowledging the other person's needs for their own life and space while acknowledging our deep need for closeness, security and holding (which we never got consistently in our childhoods). This allows us to be up-front about it, rather than going in the back door and manipulating someone, anger, etc...
Marshall Rosenberg of the Non-Violent Communication school says that human beings only ever say two things-- please and thank you. It's how we ask for what we need, and how we see other people's needs that matters.
I still get very triggered in intimate situations. But I have better tools now to create intimacy in my life. I'm still only beginning to understand and to move beyond the crippling isolation I faced most of my life, but I HAVE HOPE!
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