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#445625 - 08/27/13 07:45 PM Protecting my nieces through legal action
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Hi everyone,

Some of you may know some of my story. I've been to two survivor weekends, staffed 14 mens weekends, lived in the Peruvian jungle, fasted and prayed with medicine ceremonies for healing from child sexual abuse and for children around the world.

I came out several years ago as a survivor of incest from both my parents. I was serially raped by my father over a number of years from when I was 6-12 years old. My mother is also involved as an abuser.

I recently came to a point in my healing where after much prayer and healing work I was able to clear most of the hatred I was carrying for my dad. In place I found a spirit of compassion and forgiveness, seeing his deep humanity and our common wounded ancestry.

During ceremony I saw myself reaching out to my hurting father with the simple message 'I still love you'. So I sent him that message just yesterday in an email. He responded and we began emailing. I let him know that I had found a lot of healing in my time in South America and I asked him how he, my mom and sister are doing in their lives?

He responded by sharing some of his story in the past few years. In the email, he said 'We babysit *** and *** (my nieces) usually once a week, they are fun but at the end of the day we are pretty pooped.'

I was shocked. I hadn't spoken to my father in 3 years since I confronted him. The last time I saw him he denied having sexually abused me, covering his mouth as he faintly smiled. And now, this. My father is telling me that he is babysitting my sister's daughters.

Another thing I did 3 years ago when I first realized what had happened in my childhood was to confront my sister. I told her what I had been through and we both cried. I asked her to please be careful with her children. At the time she was skeptical and doubtful, and now it seems to me that she didn't believe me.

My family continues to operate using heaps of blame and denial. I can handle it, I'm pretty strong, but my nieces are vulnerable, and no one is there to protect them because no one is willing to see what is going on in my family.

Which leaves me in a difficult position. Although I initially reached out to my dad to establish a connection and let him know that, even though what he did to me was disgusting and incredibly damaging to my life- I'm only now realizing the huge costs I've paid-- I still love him. But now he has responded in a way that puts me in a position where I have to act.

My resolve to protect children is very strong and my love for my dad will not stop me from holding him accountable for his actions and speaking up to protect my nieces. In fact, I believe that intervening with compassion may be a way I can love him, to let him know that, if he wants to deny his actions in the past and bury his trauma and sickness, it means he is not fit to be left alone with my nieces.

So I am writing today to ask for support and guidance in how I can take action to protect my nieces. I haven't charged my dad legally. He lives in Alberta, Canada. I am aware of two options-

1) Contact child services to let them know I am concerned for the safety of my nieces
2) Charge him legally

Any guidance would be much appreciated.

Thank You!

Mark

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#445667 - 08/28/13 03:38 AM Re: Protecting my nieces through legal action [Re: risingagain]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 586
I suppose its got to be your decision. I don't see anything wrong with calling child services and letting them know you are concerned.

I'd also talk with your sister. Make sure she understands what happened and tell her you are worried.

If that doesn't do anything, asking a lawyer for advice is the only other thing I can think of.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#445704 - 08/28/13 11:11 AM Re: Protecting my nieces through legal action [Re: risingagain]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1467
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: risingagain
My resolve to protect children is very strong and my love for my dad will not stop me from holding him accountable for his actions and speaking up to protect my nieces. In fact, I believe that intervening with compassion may be a way I can love him, to let him know that, if he wants to deny his actions in the past and bury his trauma and sickness, it means he is not fit to be left alone with my nieces.

Dear Mark,

You are in a position to do something heroic here. You can forgive him personally, but still act in the interests of your nieces. Make every effort possible to prevent this man from abusing more children. This may mean bringing charges against him (if there's no statute of limitations), or at least "outing" him publicly.

Either way there will be a cost to you in being ostracized by your family. Breaking down a family's system of denial can be brutal. Its unlikely that you will be thanked, even by your sister. But whatever the outcome, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried to save your nieces and other children from enduring what was done to you.

If each of us could save just one child from being sexually abused, what a difference that could make. Imagine a generation of kids who wouldn't have the burdens we carry?

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#445781 - 08/28/13 08:09 PM Re: Protecting my nieces through legal action [Re: Jude]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Thank you so much Jude for your clear response. I awoke last night in a panic realizing what I have to do and how it's probably going to hurt, but that sometimes love is like that...

You have given me strength.

For the children,
Mark

Originally Posted By: Jude
You are in a position to do something heroic here. You can forgive him personally, but still act in the interests of your nieces. Make every effort possible to prevent this man from abusing more children. This may mean bringing charges against him (if there's no statute of limitations), or at least "outing" him publicly.

Either way there will be a cost to you in being ostracized by your family. Breaking down a family's system of denial can be brutal. Its unlikely that you will be thanked, even by your sister. But whatever the outcome, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried to save your nieces and other children from enduring what was done to you.

If each of us could save just one child from being sexually abused, what a difference that could make. Imagine a generation of kids who wouldn't have the burdens we carry?

Jude

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#446355 - 09/03/13 06:06 PM Re: Protecting my nieces through legal action [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Today me and my therapist called child protective services to report our suspicions that my nieces are in danger of being sexually abused by my father. It was a big day for us, a lot of emotion as I crossed the line from being a silent victim and complicit family member to taking action to intervene and AT LEAST put it out there in hopes that my nieces will be better protected.

Vulnerable children should not be left alone with people that have a history of perpetrating sexual abuse.

I feel some relief knowing that someone else knows who has the legal power to investigate, and that this marks the beginning of my work in advocacy for children. I began today by advocating for my nieces. It continues from here.

smile



Edited by risingagain (09/07/13 01:54 AM)

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#446359 - 09/03/13 06:15 PM Re: Protecting my nieces through legal action [Re: risingagain]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 268
Loc: PA
Risingagin,

That shows great courage on your part. Hope you are proud of yourself - you should be!

I remember telling my oldest about my abuse at the hands of her granddaddy and her first reaction was "and you let us go down there by ourselves". That was a killer for me. We never let just one go down (always more that one) AND we knew my Mom knows about the abuse and between those two things felt it was safe. In hind site...IDK. Nothing happened as I'm guessing they would have said something when I told them of my abuse (I hope...).

Your father should rightfully be feeling the heat soon.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446372 - 09/03/13 09:04 PM Re: Protecting my nieces through legal action [Re: risingagain]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 182
Loc: Canada
Mark,

I cannot imagine hearing that your sister was entrusting her children to your father.
I am so proud that you had the courage to to put aside the likely fallout from this to protect your nieces.
An incredibly brave and selfless act. You can't buy that kind of empowerment.

Advocacy looks good on you.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#446448 - 09/05/13 02:14 AM Re: Protecting my nieces through legal action [Re: risingagain]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1467
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: risingagain
Today me and my therapist called child protective services to report our suspicions that my nieces are in danger of being sexually abused by my father.


You are our HERO!
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#446464 - 09/05/13 05:28 AM Re: Protecting my nieces through legal action [Re: risingagain]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
MAYBE.... IF he'd been open, been honest, and had spent YEARS working on his issues with genuine accountability (polygraphs would be nice), I MIGHT let someone like that be around kids again.

But the way you describe it?

Heck naw.
Good call.
Time alone doesn't heal some wounds. And even though I believe people can change, I don't think you had seen any reason to believe he had.
Good call.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#446606 - 09/07/13 01:58 AM Re: Protecting my nieces through legal action [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Wow, thank you everyone for seeing and believing me.

I believe it was a compassionate, strong move.. I felt a big weight lifting knowing that I can speak up for children even if it is a family member who I am to challenge.

I feel better having done this. I am not sorry because, to my knowledge, my dad has never seen this kind of tough love from anyone in my family. And it may make a difference in my nieces lives. Even if this is one small step.


Edited by risingagain (09/07/13 02:05 AM)

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