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#445529 - 08/26/13 09:38 PM .
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
DELETE-OLA

(This was not a CSA post. My father did not sexually abuse me.)


Edited by BraveFalcon (08/27/13 08:49 PM)

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#445567 - 08/27/13 09:30 AM Re: My Dad [Re: BraveFalcon]
Jude Online   content


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1563
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: BraveFalcon
Anyway, there's another long-ass, self-absorbed post from me but also another one that could have been a lot longer. Thanks if you've read it. I needed this post. Take care. Peace,

Hey BraveFalcon,

Don't sweat it man. We are all self-absorbed. We should be.

My father was not my abuser either, but his and my mother's alcoholism and neglect set me up for that sexual abuse. And their drinking also taught me that that was how you dealt with life, leading me to spend a lifetime numbing myself with alcohol and other things.

He didn't come to my high school or college graduations. Didn't come to my wedding, never met most of his grandchildren. Never said "I love you", "I'm proud of you", "Well done" or anything positive. He died a year and a half ago at 89. I didn't go to his funeral. No regrets.

Part of my work of recovery is digging myself out from under his shadow. I'm not there yet.

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#445582 - 08/27/13 11:53 AM Re: My Dad [Re: BraveFalcon]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hi Ken,

Are there any relationships more complicated than with our parents... yikes! You know... scary as it might be I think a sincere adult talk with your dad wouldn't hurt. It would be good for you to air your past hurts, good to positively try to resolve them with him. Your father doesn't sound like a horrible man, the near monstrous abuser we too often hear about here, but he was abusive and it made enough of an impact that you're still bothered by and still thinking about it. And, yes, living with people like that can make you jumpy as hell, always on guard, looking sideways or over your shoulder to see where they're at, not a good feeling. God knows what he was thinking with the shower, it doesn't seem at all sexual abuse though, but when he saw it frightened you he could have been more sensitive. Don't know if you're working with a therapist, but one could certainly help prepare you for a conversation with your dad. Something to consider anyway, this seems important enough to pursue in the right way and better not to ignore it.

Wishing you ever greater healing,

Gary / 1.healing


Edited by 1.healing (08/27/13 12:05 PM)
Edit Reason: added script
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#445584 - 08/27/13 12:13 PM Re: My Dad [Re: BraveFalcon]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 288
Loc: PA
Ken,

I have said and thought that the lack of attention from my real father has been as much a factor in my life now as the sexual abuse from my step father. It primed me for being abused by my step and for being treated poorly by my peers all throughout school. I don't think my real father ever tried to make up for that other than to have me over every weekend for a while and then every other weekend for another few year before I went off to boarding school Junior year of high school. The most we did was watch TV and go see movies. He used to take me and my brother to the NJ shore for a week each summer for a short while when I was younger. So we did a few things, but never much talking and never any signs of affection. Now my step definitely tried to make up for the abuse over the years by trying to treat me as his son. All it did was disgust me to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and now there is no contact which I'm very thankful for.

I can see why you wouldn't want to talk to you dad about the past. I decided early on that I was NOT going to try and fix my relationship with my mom at any point. I was only going to be willing to try to create a new one. Good thing too since she won't accept me unless I accept my step into my life again - they are a package deal. She didn't protect me when I was a kid and she isn't helping now that I'm an adult either.

Do you like your current relationship with your father the way it is? If you want it to be closer then you might benefit from talking to him or at least seeing if it's something that he would even be willing to discuss. If you get a positive response then mention some things to him. Maybe he's thinking the same things and has been nicer to you because he knows how he treated you wasn't the best. As a father myself I KNOW I could have done better so I admit it and say sorry anytime they bring up some of the bad things I've done in the past. I'm glad they like/trust me enough now to bring it up to me directly now. The discussions we've had have definitely strengthen my relationships with them.

Good luck. I never had a close relationship with a father and never will. I often wonder what that would have been like. I hope you have the opportunity to find out.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445586 - 08/27/13 12:41 PM Re: My Dad [Re: BraveFalcon]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 134
Loc: Planet Earth
Quick question, please. Have you thought about posting this in the member's forum instead?

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#445618 - 08/27/13 07:00 PM Re: My Dad [Re: BraveFalcon]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
Ken,

First off, I'm glad you posted this. I do think your relationship with family members and others in your life at the time of the abuse and beyond have a lot to do with how it's shaped the ways you deal with the abuse itself; I think you're right in addressing this here.

I get the impression that all of these things with your dad have, to say the least, left you with confusing, mixed feelings. The close interplay between slights of affection (hugs off to school) vs. the excessive spanking that made you anxious, in constant fear - like walking on eggshells, as you put it. The stories of monsters that left you terrified, which, I think compounded the effects of the abuse of similar nature you got from your perpetrators (ghosts, possessed by demons, etc.). Then to have all of that abruptly end with your dad's new job must've been bewildering, leaving you uneasy. Add to that your occasional financial dependency on him and his (this word might sound harsh, but) spoiling, and the ingredients are set for a complex relationship.

I kind of want to link this to your abuse. I think it would be a bit of an understatement to say that you did not get the protection, encouragement and sense of safety a son is supposed to receive from his father. I reckon there's a lot of pain inside you that failed to find expression because the kind of environment you had at home did not allow you to be vulnerable, otherwise you'd get another spanking. Why ask for protection and help if all that's going to get you is further abuse? I suppose the current nature of the relationship with your dad now - which, as you described as being somewhat positive - doesn't allow you to express all of this pain for fear of destroying it. I guess if I were in your shoes, I would gently prod the matter, seeing how your dad reacts to it - a few sentences usually are enough to give away whether or not he is in denial of the whole thing or is unwilling to talk about it - and then take it from there. I have a feeling this is an important issue to work out.
_________________________
Husky

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#445623 - 08/27/13 07:27 PM ! [Re: BraveFalcon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:34 PM)

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#445634 - 08/27/13 08:45 PM . [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL

Hiya guys. Thank you for all the great, insightful and compassionate replies. After this I'm reposting the original post to the thread in the members-only forum and deleting it here. I wanted to post it here first though so some of my friends who are not full MS members would have a chance to read it. Any other non full members who may have missed the post and want to read it can PM me and I'll share it with them privately.

I will close by saying that I don't see myself ever confronting my father about any of these things. I'm not sure what it would ultimately accomplish at this point even if it went well, which I'm not sure it would. Our relationship is ok now and I've already forgiven him for whatever hurt he caused me. It's not a perfect father-son relationship but it's a better one than I ever imagined would have been possible when I was in my late teens and early 20's and had SO MUCH fucking anger at him and resentment for him. It took me a long time to work through all those feelings but I have and we're ok now. Nobody is perfect. Thanks again guys. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#445651 - 08/28/13 12:01 AM Re: . [Re: BraveFalcon]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
BraveFalcon

I came back to reply to your post but it was gone. I've been thinking of exactly what I would say. Has the post been moved or removed?

Puffer

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#445654 - 08/28/13 12:09 AM Re: . [Re: BraveFalcon]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3452
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Puffer - see the post above yours.
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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