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#445511 - 08/26/13 05:00 PM Shame and trying to accept myself for what I did..
nomad510 Offline


Registered: 04/02/13
Posts: 28
...in the past.

I just learned about my sexual abuse this year (or should I say I just started addressing it for the first time, instead of burrying the secret).

But for several years my life went into a sexual tailspin, a downward spiral into a sexual hell of torment and self inflicted soul torture if you will. If I could prevent anyone from going down that path I would. But some part of me thinks that everything happens for a reason and I was meant to go down this path for better or for worse. And I almost didn't come back, i almost thought about moving to South America where I could continue my sexual exploits and hide from my family and everyone else I ever knew and to hide from the shame.

All this acting out came to an end about 6.5 years ago, when the shame became so much I just had to quit cold turkey. I thought I was a respectable human being, I thought I could be a role model, I thought I was straight. I proved to myself that's was nothing.

Still 6.5 years later I have a hard time accepting what I did. Even though believe it or not I as a straight man never had sexual intercourse with a man. What i did do (mutual masterbation with men, fondling many transexuals, sex with many random women) did cause a lot of shame and the numbers were great. I just discovered that sexual abuse can cause compulsion and sexual addiction and this has relieved some of my shame and given me hope, and I'm planning on seeing a T soon.

My question out there to the community is, how do people get better and get rid of this crippling shame and become accepting of all the unbearable acts that they committed that went against their whole value system?

Thanks in advance guys.

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#445575 - 08/27/13 10:43 AM Re: Shame and trying to accept myself for what I did.. [Re: nomad510]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Relief from crippling shame and self destruction due to past actions is a difficult part of recovery. We feel that what we did we committed out of our own impulse, that is not true. While we are responsible for our actions and their consequences in our adulthood, we can know that by resolving in our hearts not to commit those acts that hurt us, we can feel better about ourselves. By continuing on a healthy, positive, progressive path of recovery, we can in time feel affirmed, validated and confident internally, meaning we only need us to verify that what we are now doing and feeling is a better way and successful to us personally.

In time, along a healthy path, we EARN that comfortable, secure feeling, this WILL happen.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#445576 - 08/27/13 11:03 AM Re: Shame and trying to accept myself for what I did.. [Re: SamV]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1628
For me it is more difficult. My past is clouded with dissociation and fugues. I have been told what I supposedly have done but the memories are not there--which frightens me as to what was real, what happened and did not happen. I live with the fear of this unknown--it impacted healing and creates shame and guilt thinking of what I supposedly did without having a memory of these events--if this makes any sense to those reading this. I am learning I will never know and need to focus on the now and future. Because as I heal the fugues and dissociative episodes are waning. I would encourage you to put the past in its place and focus on healing and moving to the future to create memories and actions that represent who you truly are.

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#445595 - 08/27/13 02:30 PM Re: Shame and trying to accept myself for what I did.. [Re: KMCINVA]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6855
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: KMCINVA
For me it is more difficult. My past is clouded with dissociation and fugues. I have been told what I supposedly have done but the memories are not there--which frightens me as to what was real, what happened and did not happen. I live with the fear of this unknown--it impacted healing and creates shame and guilt thinking of what I supposedly did without having a memory of these events--if this makes any sense to those reading this. I am learning I will never know and need to focus on the now and future. Because as I heal the fugues and dissociative episodes are waning. I would encourage you to put the past in its place and focus on healing and moving to the future to create memories and actions that represent who you truly are.


I have been struggling with this issue. I know I had DID. I'm 99% certain I was programmed in the early days of Project Bluebird and MKUltra. About the only 2 ways I can deal with this now are to continue in therapy and to read everything I can get my hands on about what they did (to children) in those days. They could implant a persistent amnesia in the child's brain as to what they did and what the child was programmed to do. I read that they had a devious method of hypnotism in which alters were created in a tandem formation, like a figure 8 lying on it's side. The system was "protected" by passwords and limited access to only certain programmers. To access the prime chamber one had to traverse the ante-chamber. I have ordered a book which I think deals with this problem but it hasn't arrived yet. In my favor is that the hypnotic spell wears off gradually and the inner mechanism begins to be exposed. I am trying to read the programming by analyzing the shadow it made on the wall. The shadow is the outline of what the programming ordered. Is this a type of hell or what?

My abuser (programmer) may be viewed in this at 5:51 in uniform leaning on the desk:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prQpG1k9UcY

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (08/27/13 04:38 PM)

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#445664 - 08/28/13 02:25 AM Re: Shame and trying to accept myself for what I did.. [Re: nomad510]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
I really struggled with this.
I used to be suicidal whenever the patterns of abuse would dictate a fantasy or invade a dream. I felt like the dirtiest person in the world.
Then I ran into another survivor who had just masturbated to memories of the abuse, (Not the terrible things that were done to him, but the body's reactions that were forced on him by his perp.) And he hated himself for it. He was suicidal.
I had two thoughts.
1] Holy Shit it isn't just me!!?!?!
2] (seeing the pattern fall into place) Don't hurt yourself, man, it isn't your fault.

Now it is years later, which much help from my support systems. I look at it this way:
We did the best we could with what we knew. When I acted out, it was the only way I'd known how to survive. When i finally realized a better way, I chose that.

Every day we do the best we can with what we have, just like we did back then!
If you see things differently today, then isn't it awesome how far you've come!

If I encountered some *other* abused kid acting out in his teens or early twenties, I wouldn't be furious with them. I'd feel compassion for them, maybe try and share what I've learned. I couldn't, couldn't hate them.

So I can't hate myself for my past anymore. (Boy is that a change...)

I don't know if that's a magic bullet for the problem, but it lets me look at myself in the mirror these days.

Thanks for your time!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#445713 - 08/28/13 12:32 PM Re: Shame and trying to accept myself for what I did.. [Re: nomad510]
nomad510 Offline


Registered: 04/02/13
Posts: 28
Thanks guys for sharing this good stuff, another thought that comes to mind is that we are human be-ings NOT human do-ings and although what we do is important, very important, if we're doing better than we did then then we are be-coming better be-ings and the contentment and rest comes with be-Ing not in do-ing. I've realized that if I'm content with my life and I've accepted myself then others will have no other choice but to do the same. It's a process, I'm about at 50% and growing every month.

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