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#445538 - 08/26/13 10:57 PM Closure
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
Doing a bit better this week. In therapy. It's not easy when you realize what you have lost, and how easily the perpetrators got away with it. It's a horrible feeling.
I'm working my way out of it, and seeing a new psychologist weekly.
I think also being the victim of female on male abuse, at least as a primary abuser, and mother on son abuse on top of that, I also feel "not taken as seriously" kind of, and that makes me feel even more like "nothing". So there is a lot of rage there, but I am working on it. It's hard.
People don't realize that while yes, many people and children are sexually abused every day, in many cases their perpetrator(s) are caught and at least face some judgment. In female on male sex abuse cases, such is often not the case, the women walk off scot-free with little to no judgment and the pain is very real. In my lifetime, having any sense of justice at all given to me is a new concept, and usually I am just ignored and dismissed.
That is what's hard.

Greg


Edited by JoeSmith (10/22/13 11:48 PM)
Edit Reason: updated

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#445564 - 08/27/13 08:29 AM Re: An answer to a frequent question I hear [Re: JoeSmith]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Greg,

PTSD and it's variations are not tied to age nor "manhood". It can be about the experience and the sensitivity of the survivor. It does not do for a survivor to compare or generalize about other's experiences as you pointed out, likening these on a sliding scale as to how they "should" react.

Why someone who survives being shocked and then goes right back to working on hot wires versus the one who sees a power line crash and live wires dancing around and removes all electricity from his life is a matter of personal choice, one's own fortitude, training and beliefs.

Those, especially here, who ask questions are searching for the reasons why they themselves act or feel a certain way, or their spouses are acting. They genuinely want the answers, trying to differentiate between experiences to gain understanding, compassion, hope and find a way to the love and closeness they had with their loved ones. These may not ask in the right way, or they may not understand any offense they might have caused, but they desperately need the answers.

I for one will continue to offer these supporters and survivors answers from my own life experiences, what worked for me and my situation as well as from the hundreds of shares I have personally read and relate to in my time here. I will try to put the abuse in it's own place, something that happened to me without being something I did of my own volition so that I can relate to the anguish and fear of other's who reach out, helping these to find the peace and safety I have found.

Thank you for sharing Greg, I hope that you too will find peace and comfort, I encourage you to continue to express your feelings in this pain until reason supports a recovery healing.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#445588 - 08/27/13 01:09 PM . [Re: SamV]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#445594 - 08/27/13 01:50 PM Re: An answer to a frequent question I hear [Re: JoeSmith]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: JoeSmith
I still maintain that very few people, even on here, understand or care about male victims of female sexual abuse, and that we get marginalized even within these support groups.
As a card carrying member of those abused by females, let me create awareness and celebrate those in MaleSurvivor who support survivors everywhere and in our particular situation.

Isolation, rejection and destruction create such chaos and strenuous effort in our lives. What is difficult for one can be puzzling to another, unless both have been afflicted with similar symptoms of surviving. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has many commonalities in it's symptomatology, many places for survivors to gather to find comfort within the chaos, connecting progressively with each other.

We must never confuse those who are sincerely recovering, supporting and being supported with those who would disparage.., or worse. I support your blunt expressions, there is no one here that would suppress opinions or feelings about our paths, however to express distrust or assign negativity to a comment made by the positive shares of other's along our path of healing does not promote internal healing, we ultimately hurt ourselves. Instead may I offer, find something useful to create a stable environment in recovery.

Please feel free to comment on this Greg, I look forward to the possibility that personal growth and comfort can again be manifested in a survivor's life choices.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#445607 - 08/27/13 04:36 PM Re: An answer to a frequent question I hear [Re: JoeSmith]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 213
I don't think you will find people who will support what you posted. You read the question the wrong way, it wasn't disrespectful, it was asking, 'how come other people manage to get over it and I can't? What's so wrong with me?' You also insulted a whole lot of people by saying they shouldn't have been badly affected by what happened to them because it wasn't very serious. That's not the first time I saw you say that. I don't know how you can say that then say everyone deserves equal support no matter what has happened to them.

What do you want exactly? All I see you post is how much the boards suck, how it's a popularity contest and no one supports you or understands you. It's a completely serious question. What do you want people to do for you? When you insult this place and the people in it then it makes it hard for people to want to give you support. And why are you so offended by posts about cats? I posted here about my cat being sick before, what's so wrong with that?

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#445642 - 08/27/13 10:12 PM . [Re: txb]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#445739 - 08/28/13 02:59 PM Re: An answer to a frequent question I hear [Re: JoeSmith]
somerandomguy Offline


Registered: 03/05/10
Posts: 10
Loc: USA
Greg,

I hear you. I don't think the world in general, no to mention individuals in particular, cares about or even want to hear about people like us. I think they are content to blame us, to call us unmanly, to let our wounds fester - and then blame us again when we explode from pain, shame, and frustration.

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#445765 - 08/28/13 05:57 PM . [Re: somerandomguy]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#445807 - 08/28/13 11:57 PM Re: An answer to a frequent question I hear [Re: JoeSmith]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 359
Loc: NY
What's so difficult to do is to get over the numbness. While expressing oneself and feeling the pain can help, what really, truly helps is empathy.

Yeah, we don't get that. It's like we have to pull up to it sideways and try to smile to get even a little bit, cause it's just too weird or whatever.

Greg: Maybe it's not that important after all that's been said, but my answer to the question of who gets the worst PTSD is that it's probably true that when there is support, it's not so bad. (That's my answer, I'm not expecting it to be anyone else's).

What has probably been so fearful all these years is facing the truth that support may be difficult to come by when it comes to this particular truth. That is itself a fear sitting on top of all the others.

And sometimes, fear seems like the very thing we won't ever get empathy for. As men, we are not supposed to be afraid. We're not supposed to be afraid in all kinds of situations, least of which is one when we are be faced with a sexually aroused female. And yet that is what I beginning to understand that I felt most of all, maybe before I could even remember feeling it.

Be heard, be real and be constant. That's my goal.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#445817 - 08/29/13 01:11 AM . [Re: focusedbody]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#445971 - 08/30/13 02:15 PM Re: An answer to a frequent question I hear [Re: JoeSmith]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 359
Loc: NY
Greg:

There is so much to say it would probably fill a few encyclopedia volumes.

What helps me is to keep it simple, working one difficulty at a time. At the moment, my mother and I are communicating but often over a vast distance. What the distance is, I'm not so sure of. However the child in me knows the fear and the pain.

Recently, the child in me has started to find words. They are not words of an adult. They are a child's words, unformed in sentences, broken in syntax, ready to be mumbled. Today he said, "That's bad for me", as if it was something he wanted to say to Mom.

When I do talk to my mother, a lot of old protective voices and forces come into play. I will act like my aggressive brother, feign feminine wisdom like my sister, and push my mother's emotional buttons like my dad. I'm not happy with those responses, but at the moment they are not completely within my awareness and control. Articulating myself in this area is still in fits and starts, but I will let it proceed, slowly and with care.

With regard to fear, I do think that I learned a lot of how to be scared from my Dad. He had fears that he couldn't deal with. There may not have been enough times where I could learn how to set boundaries as a young boy. The fear I felt not only isolated me. It probably distorted my thinking. I still experience that today.

On the other side of the equation, fear can help identify what's wrong in a relationship if looked at from the perspective of vulnerability. I'm beginning to understand that this is where the boy and man in me might come together.

Many of your posts show that you have clarity and wisdom. I hope that will continue to help you. Recovery has worked best for me when I allowed myself to find my own feet for part of the journey. I think a good therapist is only one part of healing. So much of what I have done has been in the area of reflection and an inner conversation with a rediscovered sense of self. The work is slow and is accompanied by a lot of reminders to not ignore the pain which has a way of keeping me imprisoned.

My thought about the child in me is that he may have experienced a bit of the Stockholm syndrome in the midst of all the emotional chaos. When I didn't know where to turn, I simply identified more strongly with what was keeping captive. I'm trying to accept that life doesn't have to be like that so that something else can happen.

Best,

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#446015 - 08/30/13 10:30 PM . [Re: focusedbody]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#446065 - 08/31/13 04:16 PM Re: An answer to a frequent question I hear [Re: JoeSmith]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1134
Loc: The ATL

Hi Greg. Just got caught up on this thread. I'm glad to see that it wound up being what seems like an incredibly productive thread for you and, if you don't mind my saying so, it looks something like what could be called progress. You've even disclosed some new memories here which before you were afraid to share. I hope I'm not overstating the matter when I say that I think that's always a pretty big step.

I have to admit, when you started the thread the other day and I read your first post to it I thought, "Uh-oh, this doesn't sound like it's going to go over very well." I debated whether or not to insert myself then but decided not to, only because I couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't make me sound like a broken record. I hoped that the thread would take a more positive turn and I am happy to see that it has.

You are right when you say that male survivors of female abuse are generally not understood, not treated with compassion, and are largely marginalized. (I'm not saying they are here at MS but in society at large.) It is a lonely and frustrating place to be. When I've told people in other forums outside of MS that I'm a CSA survivor, I pretty much never tell them who the abuser was. I don't bring up gender and let the person or persons I'm talking to make whatever assumptions they want. If I told them I was abused by older girls I always have the fear that many people would simply roll their eyes and think, "God, what a fucking pussy!" Sadly, I am more or less certain that said fear is not completely unfounded. A lot of people would react with that type of outright dismissal and that's just the way it is.

The good news is that there are other people who do understand and who know that the pain and the trauma guys like us have gone through is real and is valid, and I think it's important to focus on that. The world is full of ignoramuses and morons. I think it's important at some point to be able to accept that and not let those ignoramuses make us feel any worse about a bad situation than we already do. There may be few who understand, but we don't need everyone to understand. As long as someone does, then we know we are not alone, and we're not. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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