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#445971 - 08/30/13 02:15 PM Re: An answer to a frequent question I hear [Re: JoeSmith]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 341
Loc: NY
Greg:

There is so much to say it would probably fill a few encyclopedia volumes.

What helps me is to keep it simple, working one difficulty at a time. At the moment, my mother and I are communicating but often over a vast distance. What the distance is, I'm not so sure of. However the child in me knows the fear and the pain.

Recently, the child in me has started to find words. They are not words of an adult. They are a child's words, unformed in sentences, broken in syntax, ready to be mumbled. Today he said, "That's bad for me", as if it was something he wanted to say to Mom.

When I do talk to my mother, a lot of old protective voices and forces come into play. I will act like my aggressive brother, feign feminine wisdom like my sister, and push my mother's emotional buttons like my dad. I'm not happy with those responses, but at the moment they are not completely within my awareness and control. Articulating myself in this area is still in fits and starts, but I will let it proceed, slowly and with care.

With regard to fear, I do think that I learned a lot of how to be scared from my Dad. He had fears that he couldn't deal with. There may not have been enough times where I could learn how to set boundaries as a young boy. The fear I felt not only isolated me. It probably distorted my thinking. I still experience that today.

On the other side of the equation, fear can help identify what's wrong in a relationship if looked at from the perspective of vulnerability. I'm beginning to understand that this is where the boy and man in me might come together.

Many of your posts show that you have clarity and wisdom. I hope that will continue to help you. Recovery has worked best for me when I allowed myself to find my own feet for part of the journey. I think a good therapist is only one part of healing. So much of what I have done has been in the area of reflection and an inner conversation with a rediscovered sense of self. The work is slow and is accompanied by a lot of reminders to not ignore the pain which has a way of keeping me imprisoned.

My thought about the child in me is that he may have experienced a bit of the Stockholm syndrome in the midst of all the emotional chaos. When I didn't know where to turn, I simply identified more strongly with what was keeping captive. I'm trying to accept that life doesn't have to be like that so that something else can happen.

Best,

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#446015 - 08/30/13 10:30 PM . [Re: focusedbody]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

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#446065 - 08/31/13 04:16 PM Re: An answer to a frequent question I hear [Re: JoeSmith]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1106
Loc: The ATL

Hi Greg. Just got caught up on this thread. I'm glad to see that it wound up being what seems like an incredibly productive thread for you and, if you don't mind my saying so, it looks something like what could be called progress. You've even disclosed some new memories here which before you were afraid to share. I hope I'm not overstating the matter when I say that I think that's always a pretty big step.

I have to admit, when you started the thread the other day and I read your first post to it I thought, "Uh-oh, this doesn't sound like it's going to go over very well." I debated whether or not to insert myself then but decided not to, only because I couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't make me sound like a broken record. I hoped that the thread would take a more positive turn and I am happy to see that it has.

You are right when you say that male survivors of female abuse are generally not understood, not treated with compassion, and are largely marginalized. (I'm not saying they are here at MS but in society at large.) It is a lonely and frustrating place to be. When I've told people in other forums outside of MS that I'm a CSA survivor, I pretty much never tell them who the abuser was. I don't bring up gender and let the person or persons I'm talking to make whatever assumptions they want. If I told them I was abused by older girls I always have the fear that many people would simply roll their eyes and think, "God, what a fucking pussy!" Sadly, I am more or less certain that said fear is not completely unfounded. A lot of people would react with that type of outright dismissal and that's just the way it is.

The good news is that there are other people who do understand and who know that the pain and the trauma guys like us have gone through is real and is valid, and I think it's important to focus on that. The world is full of ignoramuses and morons. I think it's important at some point to be able to accept that and not let those ignoramuses make us feel any worse about a bad situation than we already do. There may be few who understand, but we don't need everyone to understand. As long as someone does, then we know we are not alone, and we're not. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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