Good question Esposa,
I like freeze's thought, that sometimes any comment shames a survivor. It is a deep internal conflict. In our case, both my wife and I need to choose our words carefully. We introduce our talks when one of us feels slighted by the other, we ask for a time to air our grievances. This seems to prepare the spouse for something negative without the shock of the topic at an elevated delivery. We also use words like "this hurts me" or "I feel sad/scared/lonely". This helps us both to feel approachable and open. Imagine playing a game of catch where one tosses a ball to the other. The object is not to win, but to enjoy the company of someone you care about, strengthening the bonds of friendship. Here too, the idea of a conversation is not solely to air our discomfort, but to find a bridge or build one that gets us back to our friend. That is not always easy as it can be difficult to decide how to approach a topic or whether or not it is in our prerogative to ask for change. Still, it is navigable, with persistence, to chart a path past the defenses to resolve the relationship issues that abuse surviving and recovery can cause.
Each situation is different as is each person, but recovery and camaraderie are attainable,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014