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#379852 - 12/17/11 04:11 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: petercorbett]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Hello brother Peter!

Thank you so much for the warm welcome. No apology needed for the late welcome. I am the worst at keeping up with everyone.

How true about this being a roller-coaster ride. For many years, I was damaged and dysfunctional and I never really understood why, except to think I was just a loser and inferior to everyone else. Now that I see all these traits are not just character flaws, but stuff that all CSA survivors deal with to one extent or another, it helps me.

I have read some of your posts, and yes we do have a lot in common.

Thanks again!

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379854 - 12/17/11 04:15 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Lo Don]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Hello Don,

I want to post my real name here so bad, but this job thing is one reason I won't do that. I have read some news stories how 50% of employers now do web searches for any information they can find on applicants before even offering an interview. I don't want any of them finding all my stuff about CSA and how it affects my job performance, or I will never he hired. I want to get to a point of mental stability and self-confidence where this stuff no longer causes me to self-loathe and self-destruct.

I will reply to you privately a little later. That way I can share more personal information, such as where I live and so forth.

Thanks for your suggestions and encouragement. It means a lot to me.

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#379860 - 12/17/11 05:01 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1390
Hi, Undefeated -

There is absolutely no problem using a pseudonym here. In fact, the site guidelines strongly recommend NOT using real names and not following others off-site. I learned that lesson well - one of my first posts here, although somewhat controversial, inflamed the ire of someone who was so triggered that he threatened to hurt me (that post was removed by the moderators for that reason). If I had any qualms about using a pseudonym before that, I definitely had none afterwards.

This place is all about safety and sharing. Do what you need to do to stay safe and you'll find the only people who would have a problem with that are either those who do not understand how important that is to those of us recovering from CSA/ASA or those who do not want you to be safe.

_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#379863 - 12/17/11 05:10 PM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Chase Eric]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Thanks Chase Eric! I appreciate the advice on this. It's a shame you had someone that upset with you. Not your fault that something is such a trigger. Honestly, I am triggered by a lot of this too, but that is something to work through and get beyond. Sweeping it under the rug never, ever helps us heal and get past it.

_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#445200 - 08/23/13 12:22 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
"Right now, I am having a great deal of fear about my future. Unless I get some degree of normalcy and ability to hold down a job, I fear never working again and being all alone in life. I am hoping to somehow get money for a Therapist and get help here too."

just wondering how you are doing these days?

i love the name you chose...
i feel the same way...
undefeated!

please accept this belated welcome message.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#445213 - 08/23/13 02:37 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome Undefeated.
You had every right to have all the acceptance, attention, and affection you needed, right up to bursting, without any of the abuse and exploitation.
Completely not your fault.
If you were a loser, quitter, or failure you wouldn't be here! None of those things would be brave enough to tell the truth about what happened, or reach out about it.
Kudos. Good on ya!
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#445307 - 08/24/13 02:05 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
victim|victor and Onesimus75,

Thanks for the welcome and postings. I haven't posted here for some time, but I am thankful you asked about me.

My mother died this week and I am having a very difficult time. Seeing her suffer was very traumatic for me. The care she needed the past three months of her life made her and me both broke. I am concerned about how I will meet my expenses.

Because Medicaid required us both to pay down to under $2,000, it left me in need of assistance too. Had we known, my mother could have paid me as caregiver over the past year and it would have let her go right on Medicaid and preserved all her money.

I'm alone now and feeling the loss, plus I feel like I have no purpose in life now.

I have applied for Social Security Disability and I know everyone is denied once or twice and they need to appeal the decision. The Doctor I was sent to reported that I am completely unable to work due to psychological problems, ADD and some physical problems as well.

Now that I am on Medicaid, I am finally getting some help from a therapist and I am on my second week of wellbutrin for depression and ADD. I know it takes a month before some people see results. One thing I can say is that it doesn't help with grief! How I ended up seeing the therapist is because someone called the Police and reported that I was suicidal.

I am not suicidal now, but I feel like I just don't want to go on; However, I am hanging in there.
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#445321 - 08/24/13 08:39 AM Re: My Introduction and Story [Re: Undefeated]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 770
Loc: michigan
hey undefeated
Grief is a terrible process in the best of times, I'm sorry you are having to deal with that. also I am glad that you recognized the need and came here to your fellow survivors there is a rich resource here to help with coping and then as you come through the process you end up with friends which is huge. I can imagine it is hard to see how things are going to be ok again man but in time and especially with help you will come through and remain undefeated. hope it happens fast for you man
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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