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#444948 - 08/21/13 03:48 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 213
Originally Posted By: Jude

What would that be like? A "normal loving sexual relationship". For me it would include emotional intimacy, mutual pleasure, lack of any compulsiveness to it, playfulness, touching, SLOWING DOWN the race to orgasm, and definitely AFTERGLOW.


I'd just like to be present, without having to force myself to stay present. If that makes any sense.

Sex was this bad evil thing where one person got hurt and now it's supposed to be this nice thing that two people enjoy. How am I supposed to get my head around that?? You don't know what is going on in the other persons mind so sometimes I worry that maybe they hate it and i'm doing something evil. I just want to be normal but I don't think this is something I am ever going to talk about in therapy.

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#444951 - 08/21/13 03:59 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: AndyS87]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3613
Loc: South-East Europe
Originally Posted By: AndyS87
Beware that the community tends to thrive on "Bro Science", a term for the type of pseudo science you might hear from the college frat guys at the gym who tend to value anecdotal evidence over actual evidence. Some members of the community can also be slightly fundamentalistic in their views, so that is also something to be aware for. If you want to check it out, the address is www.reddit.com/r/nofap.

Be well!


Thank you Andy, I've cheeked it and actually I was enjoying reading comments there.
When I was younger I tried and was successful with avoiding porn/masturbation trough couple of years. Lately I've learned that I have more problems with porn addiction comparing to masturbation. I'm always searching for something that has reminiscence of my past and it is unhealthy. At other side I consider masturbation as our basic need as we men are designed to need it. Well it is needed to find some balance and not to over do it as sort of escape from reality.

Great topic and discussion Jude, thanks for bringing it!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#444956 - 08/21/13 04:34 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 287
Loc: MO
Thanks Jude

I generally avoid this topic. I think I have had a normal sex life for most of my life. However, after 15 years of marraige my wife decided that once or twice a month was plenty. She then blamed me because if I didn't give her an orgasm then maybe she would want it more often.

I was a drunk for 27 years, and my wife too. I spent about 5 years celibate masturbating maybe once a week. Using porn maybe twice a week to get off once.

Then I had a three year sexual relationship with my girl friend. And began to have serious trouble with ejaculation and meds. Went off meds, no one could tolerate me.

Viagra doesn't help much but wtf she doesn't want sex anymore anyway. I use porn more often and need to masturbate about three times to achieve an orgasm. I try to ejaculate once or twice a week depending on how frustrating it gets to be.

I do not do anal for myself. I don't like it but when my wife got thrills from it I did it. Then she discovered it was called sodomy and didn't want it anymore for religious reASONS.

I think my relationship with my first female, voluntary lover, gave me an opportunity to avoid most of the csa hang ups. Although I really really like to give and receive oral sex. My experience with women is that they don't enjoy giving it, but love getting it. I guess I have had oral sex to orgasm only 50 times in my life. That is less than once every six months when I was married. I had more oral sex in high school than in the rest of my life.


I shouldn't have disclosed this. But, I guess that is what happens when you feel relatively safe.


Edited by genedebs (08/21/13 04:36 PM)

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#444961 - 08/21/13 05:12 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 288
Loc: PA
Are there really any CSA that don't have issues with sex? I will write some more about this one later when I have time. Suffice it to say that I will have a lot to write about.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#444972 - 08/21/13 06:11 PM ! [Re: Jude]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:26 PM)

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#445000 - 08/21/13 07:09 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 288
Loc: PA
Originally Posted By: Jude
How many here who were abused as boys grew up to have difficulties with sex. Either fear and avoidance of it, or promiscuity/addiction, or porn issues, or gay/str8 confusion, or difficulty with performance, or whatever...all of the above.


So after the abuse I seemed to always have an erection. I just had to think "no, not now" and boom hard as a rock. This of course did not make my life easy at camps or the high school boys dormitory for Junior and Senior year OR the men's dormitory for two years OR back to the same high school dorm for 3 more years as an college RA. At a camp prior to HS on my first day in the shower it happened - got an erection with my roommate in the next shower stall (an Asplundh) rich and popular. I was not popular after that and never would be around here (where I still live, but in a house now).

Since I was always erect I tended to MB a lot regardless of location, but always with lots of effort to never be caught. I also used objects anally because the orgasms were so much better and it simulated what my abuser tried to do to me unsuccessfully (he was too big).

Always wondered if I was gay because I could so easily get an erection at the touch of anther guy. I had one friend that loved to wrestle and I always got an erection no matter how hard I tried not to. Never acted out with anyone, but fantasized about other guys trying to pick me up and have sex with me.

Early 90s for about 5 years spent a lot of time looking for all of the free samples of gay porn from the hundreds of sites. Was slowly able to reduce this to only 2 or 3 times a year. MB with objects lessoned as well. Still MB a lot without objects. Eventually in the last 5 years completely stopped objects and only MB once or twice a week. Have watched porn once in the last year to see what both gay and straight did for me.

Once I figured out the SSA stuff, that love did not equal sex the level of fear around sex lowered as well. The good news was that I stopped getting erections all the time. The bad news is that I can't get it up as easily anymore and I can't keep it up long enough either. I went from rock hard all the time to hardly hard and not for long either in a very short time frame (like 2 months). I had my T levels checked and they were low 300s. It happened so quickly that I think the mental changes caused the T levels to drop as well.

I got my T levels up with meds, but still have erection problems. Viagra works sort of, but found this great all natural stuff that makes Viagra look like a sugar pill that you can get from Amazon.

There's probably more, but that's enough don't you think. Ugh.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445001 - 08/21/13 07:26 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Rich1967]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 93
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Originally Posted By: Rich1967
found this great all natural stuff that makes Viagra look like a sugar pill that you can get from Amazon.


Can you share the name of the stuff?

I take meds for enlarged prostate and one of the side effects is that inhibit ejaculation. You feel all of the sensations, but I miss the feeling of the sperm jetting out.



_________________________
Jay

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#445002 - 08/21/13 08:44 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 288
Loc: PA
Jay,

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007AOQ2X8/ref=oh_details_o05_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Read what the others say about it in the reviews. I found the info very helpful. This stuff really works for me. They make a daily use one that I haven't tried yet.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445008 - 08/21/13 09:16 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 288
Loc: PA
Originally Posted By: Jude
Yep, this must be a big boat to hold all of us. The effects of CSA on our sexuality are massive, and may be the most significant thing that was stolen from us as men: The ability to enjoy a normal loving sexual relationship with another human being.

What would that be like? A "normal loving sexual relationship". For me it would include emotional intimacy, mutual pleasure, lack of any compulsiveness to it, playfulness, touching, SLOWING DOWN the race to orgasm, and definitely AFTERGLOW.


Sorry for so many posts, but this is a topic that has been really helpful for me to talk about in PMs so far so why not in the forums.

Jude - I think you are absolutely right! Other than the not being able to keep it up my relationship with my wife now is almost there. A year ago I would not have ever guessed that I could even be remotely capable of this. I hope you get there. Keep striving for the beautiful picture that you have of it.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445033 - 08/21/13 11:10 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1134
Loc: The ATL

Well, I'm 38 and I've had one girlfriend in my adult life. The relationship lasted for just shy of a year. She knew about my history of CSA going in and I fucking warned her that I would be a lousy boyfriend and lousy lay but she insisted we could "work on those things together." In the end, she finally had all she could take of my emotional aloofness and my crippling sexual timidity. We had sex less than 15 times in the year we were together. Maybe even less than 10. I didn't really count but I was also normally totally shitfaced every time we had sex, so my memories of those events can be foggy as it is.

I have only had sex with two other women in my adult life and I had sex with each of them twice. So, at 38, that's less than 20 times in my adult life. Maybe even less than 15. I very seriously doubt I'll ever have sex with anyone again either. Now I just stay the hell away from situations where anyone could try to get in my pants. It's just not worth it. I don't even want to be in that position again, EVER! It's weird, it's icky, it's alien, it's uncomfortable and it's sometimes even pretty disgusting. There is nothing good or healthy or "beautiful" about it. Fuck all that noise. Never again. Peace,

Ken

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