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#444706 - 08/19/13 05:11 PM Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 611
This is a long post, but I needed to let it out. Please bear with me.

Lately, Iíve been doing a bit of soul-searching, with regards to my Ďdealingí and Ďrecoveringí. I felt like I was at a roadblock, perhaps one that is keeping me from going to that next Ďstepí. I felt like I had recovered all of the memories that needed to be addressed (though I do not often revisit them, theyíre lurking, somewhere), and Iíve analyzed them, and made the necessary connections to the person Iíve become today. All that was good, but it got me in a place where I simply spent time sulking, leading somewhat of a mundane existence without much purpose, feeling like Ďdamaged goodsí all I was, am, and ever will be. I felt like I now need to move beyond this stage; I pondered this the whole day today, and felt I needed to put my thoughts into writing.

To give some context, I have a dream, and thatís to become a pianist. Itís been with me now for a good number of years, as playing music is to a large extent the only thing that matters to me. The problem is, I realized today, that so much of my potential is being marred by the aftereffects of my own abuse. As if sleeping with me wasnít enough, my mother (abuser) ravaged my mind with a lot of forms of emotional abuse (e.g. belittling or ignoring any success or progress, constantly reminding me that I cannot make it on my own, criticizing or mocking or sneering at the way I played the piano, invalidating my methods and feelings, etc.) Add to that the fact that Iím still financially dependent on my father (who is more or less the slave of my mother), which leaves me in a position where Iím constantly harassed everyday by unwanted texts, phone calls and emails from them, with a lot of guilt-tripping, sob-stories or threats of cutting off support. A lot of members on here have suggested to me getting a job Ė while I truly respect this advice, it is difficult for me, with a 5-year gap on my CV and no job experience; also, a normal job means I would have to give up my artistic ambitions. Iíve led somewhat of a floating existence the last few months, but today I took a good look inside and dug out how I really feel, and it wasnít pretty. When I looked through all the layers of the protective shields that have by in large numbed me from negative emotions, I realized Iíve been feeling awful Ė I felt depressed, discouraged and dispirited...robbed of hope, confidence and faith in my own beliefs, values and thoughts, and defeatist in my attitude towards life. All of this translated themselves to a behavior that was wrought with apathy, idleness, procrastination, escape and addictions.

So I told myself today, this isnít the way I want to live the rest of my life. I wonít give into all this shit. I wonít give up. I want to prove to myself that I can beat them Ė my past, the abuse (past and ongoing), all of the bastards Iíve run into who took advantage of my weakened and vulnerable state and dumped me in the emotional gutter, and perhaps most importantly: myself. I want to show just how much of a badass I actually am, what Iím made of.

A while ago, I made an announcement that Iíd record 25 pieces to celebrate my 25th birthday, and I asked friends to give me suggestions as to what to record. I finalized a list of 25 pieces, and was well into a good routine, set on making it before I turned 25. Itís been about 6 months since my 25th birthday, and no recordings Ė I had crumbled. Midway into it, my ex-gf (I had a bad relationship with her and we had a nasty break-up that had her giving me death threats) made contact with me again, and focusing on this project and dealing with my parents had proven too much for me. I feel ashamed, that I wasnít man enough to live up to my word: I had let down all of my friends. It's really coming to the fore now - I feel like I'm no good, full of empty promises and not having the backbone to back them up. I had failed. But now I feel like the right thing to do is to suck it up, swallow the failure and shame, and revive the project.

Very recently, a friend of mine (who knows about my CSA) made a bet with me Ė 100 quid to perform 20 pieces live, by mid-September. Game on. Iíve prepared two programs that cover most of my originally proposed 25 pieces Ė I felt it was a nice way to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. Iíve printed them out. Iím hoping this will be my salvation, my redemption. It is ambitious (between three or four hours of music, all memorized; not to mention the dreaded aspect of having to make oneself emotionally vulnerable in front of many people), but I feel the process already having an impact on how Iím dealing with the abuse. I imagine myself bowing to the audience right before I start (and hopefully not fainting). I wrote down a list of skills and traits I have as a pianist, to give me back some well-needed confidence. I made a small space in my room only dedicated to music. I've printed out a list of quotes to keep me motivated. I have a routine and time schedule set to keep me from losing focus and being sucked into a vicious cycle of pain and wallowing again. I have, coincidentally, just about 25 days to make this happen. If these two recitals happen, I have many things to look forward to. I know that to a large extent, itíll verify and validate me as a musician and pianist, which will replace my identity as a mere Ďsurvivorí. I know itíll mean a taste of hope, of freedom, independence and autonomy. I know itíll help me validate my sense of being a man, with a purpose to fulfill in society (i.e. a social function), and a job/vocation that will give my life meaning, tasks and responsibility. I know I can realize my values Ė sensitivity, diligence, commitment, dedication, passion, vitality, spirit, emotional range, truth, honesty and genuineness Ė in performing these recitals.

I hope I can pull this off. And I hope it will be cathartic for me. I know Iíll need a lot of encouragement, from others and from myself. I know itíll be tough. I know I will need a strong mind. But Iím sick of letting the abuse wash away all of my potential into couldíve- and wouldíve-beens. I want to give life another shot. I want to forge my own identity. Iím ready for this next hurdle; I want to realize my dream.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#444727 - 08/19/13 08:23 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1792
I am happy for you. You deserve to achieve your dreams. Do not let the b**stards keep you down. I am glad you realize you will no longer be the slave of those try to control you. Your family wants to hold you back--maybe guilt, shame--but that is their issue. Keep moving and go for your dream.

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#444743 - 08/19/13 11:54 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 134
Loc: Planet Earth
Where is the like button? :thumbup:

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#445026 - 08/21/13 10:43 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL

Hi Husky. Good luck with this man! It certainly is ambitious. I envision you in the next 25 days as being in this kind of Rocky-eque training/practicing montage, although instead of punching animal carcasses in a meat locker and running up stairs, you're just practicing and practicing and practicing your music like crazy. Maybe with "Eye of the Tiger" playing in the background. smile

Good luck buddy! We're all rooting for you. Peace,

Ken

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#445072 - 08/22/13 07:33 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 759
Loc: Southeast USA
Way to go Husky! I'll just add a couple of quotes from Carl Jung:


"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."

"The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves."


Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#445116 - 08/22/13 02:48 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 226
Loc: California
Husky,

This post was really good for me to read right now. It is great to see you pick up something you really enjoy doing, and working toward it with such purpose. Just mustering the energy to do that must feel amazing.

I am a writer and have put some of my own projects on the back burner for a while to deal with the immediate CSA issues that need attention. This post is an inspiration to me that some day on the horizon I will get to this place you are describing here and dive back into it. Thanks so much for putting this out there.
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#445122 - 08/22/13 03:35 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Husky,

WOW, that was great. Even if you fail or something doesn't go right you will be the winner because you made that effort and once you make the effort the first time the next time will be easier. Pain is the name of the game. You are in pain when you do nothing and let the abuse rule who you are today and you are in pain when you try to confront the effects of the abuse. I think the trick is to realize that the pain from confronting the effects of abuse has a pay off in the end, or at least a chance of a pay off while not doing anything has no chance.

Great realizations and an attack plan for fighting back. I'm sure it's scary, but you already sound pumped and isn't that an awesome feeling.

I'll be pulling hard for you. This is why I may never leave this site - for moments like this.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445151 - 08/22/13 06:10 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 611
Guys...

Thanks SO much for the support...you have no idea how much this means to me. I had a bit of a setback today, but I'm picking myself up after reading all of your comments. Your words are truly uplifting and encouraging. It won't be easy - I guess this will also be a way of training myself to keep working hard and not letting setbacks break my spirit or confidence. About 20 days left until the first planned recital. Giving it all I've got! Thanks again for the support, will keep you guys posted - hopefully with good news.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#445159 - 08/22/13 08:21 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
I think we might have a clue about how much it may mean to you grin; I'm glad we could help and I look forward to hearing how things work out.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445627 - 08/27/13 07:49 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 136
Loc: California, 93451
I'm really glad to read this post, Husky. Congratulations and good luck on your musical performances!

I wish I could be in the audience (:

I want you to know that your encouragement of me helped a lot in my recent public "performance" of the bed in Berlin and the writing on my blog. Your words gave me courage.

You've got a lot of people on your side. I'm rooting for you.

Geoff
_________________________
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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