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#444806 - 08/20/13 04:12 PM Sex and the Survivor
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1509
Loc: New England
How many here who were abused as boys grew up to have difficulties with sex. Either fear and avoidance of it, or promiscuity/addiction, or porn issues, or gay/str8 confusion, or difficulty with performance, or whatever...all of the above.
_________________________
"I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real"
Van Halen

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#444811 - 08/20/13 04:41 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
all of the above! (at one time or another)

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#444812 - 08/20/13 04:45 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 324
Loc: Iowa, USA
Jude,

You have described my life. Following my abuse, I have never had a normal healthy sexual relationship. I fear intimacy, and actually, I feel I'm incapable of maintaining a normal loving, relationship. I am almost hypersexual, often masturbating 4 or 5 times a day, sometimes for weeks at a time. Honestly, there may only be 1 or 2 days a year when I go without masturbating. I put myself in dangerous situations, masturbating in public places. Some of the places I have masturbated in include a college library, a public swimming pool and even a church confessional. The worst is one time I was drunk, with my pants around my ankles, standing on a street corner at 2:00 am masturbating. I've thought that maybe if I gave up masturbation, it would be better, but that only lasts a few hours before I break down and rub one out. I have had anonymous sex with both men and women. I've acted out in gloryholes. I view both gay and straight porn. Yet, if I'm out on a date with a real woman, I sabotage it, effectively destroying any chance to have it develop into something special. I've seriously questioned my sexuality. I believe I'm straight, and can get boners sometimes just by talking to women, but still act out with guys. (BTW, have you ever tried hiding a boner while wearing a Speedo? not easy to do.) I try and relive my abuse, thinking somehow this time I can change the ending. Of course it never works and the only thing that ever happens is the memories and the effects of the abuse come back to the forefront of my thoughts. The abuse has affected my body image and I am very uncomfortable with my body. One of the perps, while he was abusing me, made a comment about my little dick just lying there, and how cute it looked, and now I feel I have a small dick, even though it is larger than average. ( I'm not trying to brag) That negatively affects my self image. I feel like, following my abuse and subsequent activities, no woman would ever be interested in me.

So again to answer your question, yes, the abuse has most definitely and dramatically caused me problems with sex.

Dave


Edited by DavoSwim (08/20/13 05:13 PM)
Edit Reason: additional info

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#444828 - 08/20/13 06:08 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Most of the above, I was never promiscuous.

Fear of intimacy and avoidance of sex are still kind of big issues for me. I've also had issues with porn (which I've now quit), sexual confusion (which I worked out), and major performance anxiety issues. The performance issues are still kind of there - from my limited sexual experiences, I know I do pretty well, but it's daunting. Every woman is different, and I feel like if I can't bring a girl to orgasm then I've failed to live up to my potential. Sadly, the only way for me to do that is to have more sex, and to do that I need a girlfriend. What gets in the way of that? Intimacy issues! I have my work cut out for me.

DavoSwim, for what it's worth, I'm in the same boat as you with the body image issues. In reality, I know that I'm perfectly normal in that department, but the fact that I'm not a stand in for Ron Jeremy really used to get to me. The past couple years it hasn't been much of an issue, but when I was a teenager? Brutal.

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#444837 - 08/20/13 06:36 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
I'm joining the club and have issues with almost all mentioned above. At the moment the most frustrating is porn addiction, masturbation and actually huge fear of being intimate.
I'm in sort of avoidance mode of any kind of sexual interaction. I'm craving for touch at one side and at other can't break isolation.
It stopped my life literary and I'm not sure even trough therapy how I would get over such hurdles. It is like I'll die if I would show myself in vulnerable and unprotected light. I guess that has happened when you were kid and forced to do some things by friends.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#444850 - 08/20/13 08:04 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: peroperic2009]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009
I'm craving for touch at one side and at other can't break isolation.



Yep! Me too. The only thing thats helped me over time is just slowly being more and more social. Over time, that discomfort or fear starts to lesson. You do need to take baby steps though, at least I did. Women on the other hand, are an entirely different story if I like them or want to get their number or something. Then I turn into pudding.

If you ever go on reddit, you might find reddit.com/r/nofap useful. It is a community of people who, for various different reasons, are trying to stop a porn or chronic masturbation habit. Some are addicts, some not. The cornerstone is to attempt to go at least 90 days without using pornography or masturbating. Sexual release with another human being is OK, provided you are trying to foster a bond or loving relationship with them and not just using them for sex. Personally, I am on day 14 of something called "hard mode", since I am undertaking this challenge and do NOT have a girlfriend at this time. For many people who undertake this challenge, they use this as part of some kind of self improvement. Many reason that the confidence they feel over being able to master their basic drive along with having more time to do stuff (since they're spending less time on the computer watching porn) has a motivational effect that begins leaking into other areas of their lives.

I don't know that I can personally attest to any of that, but then again, I've been trying to improve myself since I got out of therapy. They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but without taking that step, you'll go nowhere.

Beware that the community tends to thrive on "Bro Science", a term for the type of pseudo science you might hear from the college frat guys at the gym who tend to value anecdotal evidence over actual evidence. Some members of the community can also be slightly fundamentalistic in their views, so that is also something to be aware for. If you want to check it out, the address is www.reddit.com/r/nofap.

Be well!

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#444853 - 08/20/13 08:44 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 81
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Originally Posted By: Jude
How many here who were abused as boys grew up to have difficulties with sex. Either fear and avoidance of it, or promiscuity/addiction, or porn issues, or gay/str8 confusion, or difficulty with performance, or whatever...all of the above.


Jude:

As a teen and young adult-fear and avoidance of sex (except M).
Eventually (starting at 26 yo) built an intimate relationship with girlfriend and we had great sex. Lasted four years.
Married thirty three years ago and have had a very good marriage We have four children. Great sex, but all my life, I've had fear of performance. Thankfully my wife is very understanding. Sex life has been significantly impaired since my wife reached menopause, and I take RX for enlarged prostate.
Addicted to same sex porn since advent of high speed internet. I'm on a 12 step program to overcome this addiction. I am now convinced that my addiction (compulsion) is rooted in the sexual abuse.
Same Sex attraction, but my sexual behavior has been 100% hetero....go figure!
No doubt the abuse screwed me up. Otherwise my sex life would be a lot simpler and straightforward, don't you think?
_________________________
Jay

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#444862 - 08/20/13 09:33 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
At the moment i would very much like to have sexual relations and intimacy (lol), but somehow I never seem to have a situation that develops into that, maybe it is slightly sabotage, maybe i'm just not good with girls.

I'm straight, but experience wise i'm more familiar with male parts from being abused. I have been with girls (one girl who was with me when i was a kid during that time so we'd do things to eachother, and another an ex-girlfriend when i was older). There are some things i just wouldn't want to do with a girl, i just wouldn't be able to give a girl oral sex, is that weird? I just find the thought not very nice. I'm straight, but the idea of being gay doesn't freak me out or anything, probably because as a child i was used for all that stuff, so it isn't such an unknown. I have often wondered about sexuality because of this, but i don't think it means anything.
_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#444866 - 08/20/13 09:39 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
...


Edited by ThisMan (08/25/13 01:15 AM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#444918 - 08/21/13 09:54 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1509
Loc: New England
Yep, this must be a big boat to hold all of us. The effects of CSA on our sexuality are massive, and may be the most significant thing that was stolen from us as men: The ability to enjoy a normal loving sexual relationship with another human being.

What would that be like? A "normal loving sexual relationship". For me it would include emotional intimacy, mutual pleasure, lack of any compulsiveness to it, playfulness, touching, SLOWING DOWN the race to orgasm, and definitely AFTERGLOW.
_________________________
"I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real"
Van Halen

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