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#444806 - 08/20/13 04:12 PM Sex and the Survivor
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
How many here who were abused as boys grew up to have difficulties with sex. Either fear and avoidance of it, or promiscuity/addiction, or porn issues, or gay/str8 confusion, or difficulty with performance, or whatever...all of the above.
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#444811 - 08/20/13 04:41 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3517
Loc: somewhere in Africa
all of the above! (at one time or another)

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#444812 - 08/20/13 04:45 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 336
Loc: Iowa, USA
Jude,

You have described my life. Following my abuse, I have never had a normal healthy sexual relationship. I fear intimacy, and actually, I feel I'm incapable of maintaining a normal loving, relationship. I am almost hypersexual, often masturbating 4 or 5 times a day, sometimes for weeks at a time. Honestly, there may only be 1 or 2 days a year when I go without masturbating. I put myself in dangerous situations, masturbating in public places. Some of the places I have masturbated in include a college library, a public swimming pool and even a church confessional. The worst is one time I was drunk, with my pants around my ankles, standing on a street corner at 2:00 am masturbating. I've thought that maybe if I gave up masturbation, it would be better, but that only lasts a few hours before I break down and rub one out. I have had anonymous sex with both men and women. I've acted out in gloryholes. I view both gay and straight porn. Yet, if I'm out on a date with a real woman, I sabotage it, effectively destroying any chance to have it develop into something special. I've seriously questioned my sexuality. I believe I'm straight, and can get boners sometimes just by talking to women, but still act out with guys. (BTW, have you ever tried hiding a boner while wearing a Speedo? not easy to do.) I try and relive my abuse, thinking somehow this time I can change the ending. Of course it never works and the only thing that ever happens is the memories and the effects of the abuse come back to the forefront of my thoughts. The abuse has affected my body image and I am very uncomfortable with my body. One of the perps, while he was abusing me, made a comment about my little dick just lying there, and how cute it looked, and now I feel I have a small dick, even though it is larger than average. ( I'm not trying to brag) That negatively affects my self image. I feel like, following my abuse and subsequent activities, no woman would ever be interested in me.

So again to answer your question, yes, the abuse has most definitely and dramatically caused me problems with sex.

Dave


Edited by DavoSwim (08/20/13 05:13 PM)
Edit Reason: additional info

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#444828 - 08/20/13 06:08 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 303
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Most of the above, I was never promiscuous.

Fear of intimacy and avoidance of sex are still kind of big issues for me. I've also had issues with porn (which I've now quit), sexual confusion (which I worked out), and major performance anxiety issues. The performance issues are still kind of there - from my limited sexual experiences, I know I do pretty well, but it's daunting. Every woman is different, and I feel like if I can't bring a girl to orgasm then I've failed to live up to my potential. Sadly, the only way for me to do that is to have more sex, and to do that I need a girlfriend. What gets in the way of that? Intimacy issues! I have my work cut out for me.

DavoSwim, for what it's worth, I'm in the same boat as you with the body image issues. In reality, I know that I'm perfectly normal in that department, but the fact that I'm not a stand in for Ron Jeremy really used to get to me. The past couple years it hasn't been much of an issue, but when I was a teenager? Brutal.

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#444837 - 08/20/13 06:36 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
I'm joining the club and have issues with almost all mentioned above. At the moment the most frustrating is porn addiction, masturbation and actually huge fear of being intimate.
I'm in sort of avoidance mode of any kind of sexual interaction. I'm craving for touch at one side and at other can't break isolation.
It stopped my life literary and I'm not sure even trough therapy how I would get over such hurdles. It is like I'll die if I would show myself in vulnerable and unprotected light. I guess that has happened when you were kid and forced to do some things by friends.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#444850 - 08/20/13 08:04 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: peroperic2009]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 303
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009
I'm craving for touch at one side and at other can't break isolation.



Yep! Me too. The only thing thats helped me over time is just slowly being more and more social. Over time, that discomfort or fear starts to lesson. You do need to take baby steps though, at least I did. Women on the other hand, are an entirely different story if I like them or want to get their number or something. Then I turn into pudding.

If you ever go on reddit, you might find reddit.com/r/nofap useful. It is a community of people who, for various different reasons, are trying to stop a porn or chronic masturbation habit. Some are addicts, some not. The cornerstone is to attempt to go at least 90 days without using pornography or masturbating. Sexual release with another human being is OK, provided you are trying to foster a bond or loving relationship with them and not just using them for sex. Personally, I am on day 14 of something called "hard mode", since I am undertaking this challenge and do NOT have a girlfriend at this time. For many people who undertake this challenge, they use this as part of some kind of self improvement. Many reason that the confidence they feel over being able to master their basic drive along with having more time to do stuff (since they're spending less time on the computer watching porn) has a motivational effect that begins leaking into other areas of their lives.

I don't know that I can personally attest to any of that, but then again, I've been trying to improve myself since I got out of therapy. They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but without taking that step, you'll go nowhere.

Beware that the community tends to thrive on "Bro Science", a term for the type of pseudo science you might hear from the college frat guys at the gym who tend to value anecdotal evidence over actual evidence. Some members of the community can also be slightly fundamentalistic in their views, so that is also something to be aware for. If you want to check it out, the address is www.reddit.com/r/nofap.

Be well!

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#444853 - 08/20/13 08:44 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 100
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Originally Posted By: Jude
How many here who were abused as boys grew up to have difficulties with sex. Either fear and avoidance of it, or promiscuity/addiction, or porn issues, or gay/str8 confusion, or difficulty with performance, or whatever...all of the above.


Jude:

As a teen and young adult-fear and avoidance of sex (except M).
Eventually (starting at 26 yo) built an intimate relationship with girlfriend and we had great sex. Lasted four years.
Married thirty three years ago and have had a very good marriage We have four children. Great sex, but all my life, I've had fear of performance. Thankfully my wife is very understanding. Sex life has been significantly impaired since my wife reached menopause, and I take RX for enlarged prostate.
Addicted to same sex porn since advent of high speed internet. I'm on a 12 step program to overcome this addiction. I am now convinced that my addiction (compulsion) is rooted in the sexual abuse.
Same Sex attraction, but my sexual behavior has been 100% hetero....go figure!
No doubt the abuse screwed me up. Otherwise my sex life would be a lot simpler and straightforward, don't you think?
_________________________
Jay

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#444862 - 08/20/13 09:33 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
At the moment i would very much like to have sexual relations and intimacy (lol), but somehow I never seem to have a situation that develops into that, maybe it is slightly sabotage, maybe i'm just not good with girls.

I'm straight, but experience wise i'm more familiar with male parts from being abused. I have been with girls (one girl who was with me when i was a kid during that time so we'd do things to eachother, and another an ex-girlfriend when i was older). There are some things i just wouldn't want to do with a girl, i just wouldn't be able to give a girl oral sex, is that weird? I just find the thought not very nice. I'm straight, but the idea of being gay doesn't freak me out or anything, probably because as a child i was used for all that stuff, so it isn't such an unknown. I have often wondered about sexuality because of this, but i don't think it means anything.
_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#444866 - 08/20/13 09:39 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
...


Edited by ThisMan (08/25/13 01:15 AM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#444918 - 08/21/13 09:54 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Yep, this must be a big boat to hold all of us. The effects of CSA on our sexuality are massive, and may be the most significant thing that was stolen from us as men: The ability to enjoy a normal loving sexual relationship with another human being.

What would that be like? A "normal loving sexual relationship". For me it would include emotional intimacy, mutual pleasure, lack of any compulsiveness to it, playfulness, touching, SLOWING DOWN the race to orgasm, and definitely AFTERGLOW.
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#444948 - 08/21/13 03:48 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 216
Originally Posted By: Jude

What would that be like? A "normal loving sexual relationship". For me it would include emotional intimacy, mutual pleasure, lack of any compulsiveness to it, playfulness, touching, SLOWING DOWN the race to orgasm, and definitely AFTERGLOW.


I'd just like to be present, without having to force myself to stay present. If that makes any sense.

Sex was this bad evil thing where one person got hurt and now it's supposed to be this nice thing that two people enjoy. How am I supposed to get my head around that?? You don't know what is going on in the other persons mind so sometimes I worry that maybe they hate it and i'm doing something evil. I just want to be normal but I don't think this is something I am ever going to talk about in therapy.

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#444951 - 08/21/13 03:59 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: AndyS87]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Originally Posted By: AndyS87
Beware that the community tends to thrive on "Bro Science", a term for the type of pseudo science you might hear from the college frat guys at the gym who tend to value anecdotal evidence over actual evidence. Some members of the community can also be slightly fundamentalistic in their views, so that is also something to be aware for. If you want to check it out, the address is www.reddit.com/r/nofap.

Be well!


Thank you Andy, I've cheeked it and actually I was enjoying reading comments there.
When I was younger I tried and was successful with avoiding porn/masturbation trough couple of years. Lately I've learned that I have more problems with porn addiction comparing to masturbation. I'm always searching for something that has reminiscence of my past and it is unhealthy. At other side I consider masturbation as our basic need as we men are designed to need it. Well it is needed to find some balance and not to over do it as sort of escape from reality.

Great topic and discussion Jude, thanks for bringing it!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#444956 - 08/21/13 04:34 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 288
Loc: MO
Thanks Jude

I generally avoid this topic. I think I have had a normal sex life for most of my life. However, after 15 years of marraige my wife decided that once or twice a month was plenty. She then blamed me because if I didn't give her an orgasm then maybe she would want it more often.

I was a drunk for 27 years, and my wife too. I spent about 5 years celibate masturbating maybe once a week. Using porn maybe twice a week to get off once.

Then I had a three year sexual relationship with my girl friend. And began to have serious trouble with ejaculation and meds. Went off meds, no one could tolerate me.

Viagra doesn't help much but wtf she doesn't want sex anymore anyway. I use porn more often and need to masturbate about three times to achieve an orgasm. I try to ejaculate once or twice a week depending on how frustrating it gets to be.

I do not do anal for myself. I don't like it but when my wife got thrills from it I did it. Then she discovered it was called sodomy and didn't want it anymore for religious reASONS.

I think my relationship with my first female, voluntary lover, gave me an opportunity to avoid most of the csa hang ups. Although I really really like to give and receive oral sex. My experience with women is that they don't enjoy giving it, but love getting it. I guess I have had oral sex to orgasm only 50 times in my life. That is less than once every six months when I was married. I had more oral sex in high school than in the rest of my life.


I shouldn't have disclosed this. But, I guess that is what happens when you feel relatively safe.


Edited by genedebs (08/21/13 04:36 PM)

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#444961 - 08/21/13 05:12 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Are there really any CSA that don't have issues with sex? I will write some more about this one later when I have time. Suffice it to say that I will have a lot to write about.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#444972 - 08/21/13 06:11 PM ! [Re: Jude]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:26 PM)

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#445000 - 08/21/13 07:09 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Originally Posted By: Jude
How many here who were abused as boys grew up to have difficulties with sex. Either fear and avoidance of it, or promiscuity/addiction, or porn issues, or gay/str8 confusion, or difficulty with performance, or whatever...all of the above.


So after the abuse I seemed to always have an erection. I just had to think "no, not now" and boom hard as a rock. This of course did not make my life easy at camps or the high school boys dormitory for Junior and Senior year OR the men's dormitory for two years OR back to the same high school dorm for 3 more years as an college RA. At a camp prior to HS on my first day in the shower it happened - got an erection with my roommate in the next shower stall (an Asplundh) rich and popular. I was not popular after that and never would be around here (where I still live, but in a house now).

Since I was always erect I tended to MB a lot regardless of location, but always with lots of effort to never be caught. I also used objects anally because the orgasms were so much better and it simulated what my abuser tried to do to me unsuccessfully (he was too big).

Always wondered if I was gay because I could so easily get an erection at the touch of anther guy. I had one friend that loved to wrestle and I always got an erection no matter how hard I tried not to. Never acted out with anyone, but fantasized about other guys trying to pick me up and have sex with me.

Early 90s for about 5 years spent a lot of time looking for all of the free samples of gay porn from the hundreds of sites. Was slowly able to reduce this to only 2 or 3 times a year. MB with objects lessoned as well. Still MB a lot without objects. Eventually in the last 5 years completely stopped objects and only MB once or twice a week. Have watched porn once in the last year to see what both gay and straight did for me.

Once I figured out the SSA stuff, that love did not equal sex the level of fear around sex lowered as well. The good news was that I stopped getting erections all the time. The bad news is that I can't get it up as easily anymore and I can't keep it up long enough either. I went from rock hard all the time to hardly hard and not for long either in a very short time frame (like 2 months). I had my T levels checked and they were low 300s. It happened so quickly that I think the mental changes caused the T levels to drop as well.

I got my T levels up with meds, but still have erection problems. Viagra works sort of, but found this great all natural stuff that makes Viagra look like a sugar pill that you can get from Amazon.

There's probably more, but that's enough don't you think. Ugh.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445001 - 08/21/13 07:26 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Rich1967]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 100
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Originally Posted By: Rich1967
found this great all natural stuff that makes Viagra look like a sugar pill that you can get from Amazon.


Can you share the name of the stuff?

I take meds for enlarged prostate and one of the side effects is that inhibit ejaculation. You feel all of the sensations, but I miss the feeling of the sperm jetting out.



_________________________
Jay

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#445002 - 08/21/13 08:44 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Jay,

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007AOQ2X8/ref=oh_details_o05_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Read what the others say about it in the reviews. I found the info very helpful. This stuff really works for me. They make a daily use one that I haven't tried yet.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445008 - 08/21/13 09:16 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Originally Posted By: Jude
Yep, this must be a big boat to hold all of us. The effects of CSA on our sexuality are massive, and may be the most significant thing that was stolen from us as men: The ability to enjoy a normal loving sexual relationship with another human being.

What would that be like? A "normal loving sexual relationship". For me it would include emotional intimacy, mutual pleasure, lack of any compulsiveness to it, playfulness, touching, SLOWING DOWN the race to orgasm, and definitely AFTERGLOW.


Sorry for so many posts, but this is a topic that has been really helpful for me to talk about in PMs so far so why not in the forums.

Jude - I think you are absolutely right! Other than the not being able to keep it up my relationship with my wife now is almost there. A year ago I would not have ever guessed that I could even be remotely capable of this. I hope you get there. Keep striving for the beautiful picture that you have of it.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445033 - 08/21/13 11:10 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL

Well, I'm 38 and I've had one girlfriend in my adult life. The relationship lasted for just shy of a year. She knew about my history of CSA going in and I fucking warned her that I would be a lousy boyfriend and lousy lay but she insisted we could "work on those things together." In the end, she finally had all she could take of my emotional aloofness and my crippling sexual timidity. We had sex less than 15 times in the year we were together. Maybe even less than 10. I didn't really count but I was also normally totally shitfaced every time we had sex, so my memories of those events can be foggy as it is.

I have only had sex with two other women in my adult life and I had sex with each of them twice. So, at 38, that's less than 20 times in my adult life. Maybe even less than 15. I very seriously doubt I'll ever have sex with anyone again either. Now I just stay the hell away from situations where anyone could try to get in my pants. It's just not worth it. I don't even want to be in that position again, EVER! It's weird, it's icky, it's alien, it's uncomfortable and it's sometimes even pretty disgusting. There is nothing good or healthy or "beautiful" about it. Fuck all that noise. Never again. Peace,

Ken

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#445042 - 08/21/13 11:54 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: txb
I just want to be normal but I don't think this is something I am ever going to talk about in therapy.
Being "normal" may be too high a bar for some of us, but please DO talk about this in therapy. I found that once I started and saw that he wasn't judging me, I was able to start talking about it all.
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009
I have more problems with porn addiction comparing to masturbation. I'm always searching for something that has reminiscence of my past and it is unhealthy.
I think you are exactly right about this. Its unhealthy. Maybe some "normal" guys can watch and get off to porn and keep it under control, but we seem to be unable to do that. Best to break the cycle completely
Originally Posted By: Genedebs
I generally avoid this topic. ....I shouldn't have disclosed this. But, I guess that is what happens when you feel relatively safe.
I think we avoid dealing with what gives us the most pain, and my sexual life is right there. Nothing makes me sadder than seeing a happy couple, who I can imagine also have a happy sex life, and feel like its out of reach for me. But you are right Genedebs, you are safe here.
Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy
My formative years were spent being terrorized by three family members; two of them abused me sexually. My body was not mine. It was theirs. That does something to a person mentally and sexually.
Thats just it, this was forced upon us, and the damage is so deep, and on so many levels, that it seems like there's no end to it. Thats why I really think I need help to deal with this. I don't have the smarts to figure it all out on my own.
Originally Posted By: Rich1967
Once I figured out the SSA stuff, that love did not equal sex the level of fear around sex lowered as well. The good news was that I stopped getting erections all the time. The bad news is that I can't get it up as easily anymore and I can't keep it up long enough either. .....There's probably more, but that's enough don't you think. Ugh.
The ED has been so devastating for me. I feel so much less a man because of it. Even being celibate, I wish I could just feel what morning wood is like again. But no, its as limp when I wake up as it was when i went to sleep. Viagra does work for me, but whats the point at $5 a pill, when I'm not even having sex? I started taking a medication for prostate issues last year and happily found that it gave me hardons like a 20 year old. But the catch was I couldn't orgasm or ejaculate (I was still MB then). So what good is a gun that won't fire?
Originally Posted By: Rich1967
Other than the not being able to keep it up my relationship with my wife now is almost there.
My thinking is that I've had lots of sex, of all kinds, in my life, but very little love and intimacy. And thats what I long for at this stage. Sex would be the icing on the cake (no pun intended), but giving and receiving unconditional love? What a concept!
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#445045 - 08/22/13 12:04 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 188
Loc: Canada
.

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#445119 - 08/22/13 03:02 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1491
I'm sorry. It was a bit much for me to do this. If it helped anyone, I'll let that stand as the final word, rather than the words I posted.


Edited by Chase Eric (08/24/13 11:21 AM)
Edit Reason: Took down my post
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#445130 - 08/22/13 04:15 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Have to join in with a big me too here.
sexual anorexia
marathon masturbation
Acting Out with my friends in school (which only led to date rape ironically and Abuser #3)
body shame
I'm too tired to make the rest of the list.

Most times it feels like someone reached into the sex box of my brain with an egg beater.

But I try and focus on being the best I can be with what I've got. Right now that's just me and my hand, 'cause when I lose myself to that last bit of orgasm, I'm not vulnerable to anyone, and I think my god understands so no guilt there either.

Maybe not perfect.
But it's better than I used to be, all wild swings and out-of-control sexual starvation/binging. Don't pretend or wish I have no sexuality any more. Just acknowledge I'm not up to sharing it w/ anyone yet. And if never, well, at least I'm not getting hurt.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#445131 - 08/22/13 04:18 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Chase Eric]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
[...that he shaped me in such a fundamental way. He had that power over me and he took it. And I can rant and rave and fight myself to the grave about it. I finally chose to accept what he left me with. It doesn't mean accepting HIM. It doesn't mean I lost the war I thought I was waging. That war was lost when I was twelve.....
Eric, this was clearly painful to write and I appreciate your courage in putting it out there. I agree that there's a point of acceptance....letting go of the expectation that I can be like everyone else around sex, and relationships. Its kind of like an amputee hoping to grow a new leg. No matter how hard he tries, it just never gonna happen. Eventually he has to put on the prosthesis and make the best of what he has been left with.

Still, I believe that I have made some progress in this regard. The anonymous hookups, the porn, the chronic MB are are always temptations. I always will want that intense rush they bring, but acting out is a thing of the past now. I will strive to remain celibate until and unless I can integrate sex and love into a balanced act of intimacy with someone I love. At this point thats still a dream.

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#445147 - 08/22/13 05:44 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Publius Offline
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Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 425
Loc: OH
For a couple years after my repression broke I dealt with SSA (same sex attraction) but only acted out a handful of times and ultimately overcame it through therapy, reflection, and help from you all. As far as sex goes I haven't had an orgasm while with a woman since this all began a few years back. I am so focused on her pleasure and unconcerned with my own that I just end up having to fake it. Worse than this struggle is the fact that I have a hard time pulling the trigger/making the move on women for whom I have strong feelings. So basically the more I care about a woman the less I want to have sex with her and when I do not know her very well I am completely focused on her needs. I guess I have intimacy issues or something : /
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"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#445172 - 08/22/13 09:39 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
BraveFalcon Offline
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Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
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Eirik, that was a hell of a post man! No, I don't think you were hijacking the thread with that post because it was 100% on topic and completely pertinent. I don't think any of what you wrote makes you and "odd duck" either. To be quite honest, I feel that way about the nature of my own sexual damage at times here. The fact of the matter is that we were all ultimately affected by these things in different ways but, at the end of the day, were all affected and affected deeply and terribly. Your story is a vivid testament to that.

Originally Posted By: Onesimus75

Most times it feels like someone reached into the sex box of my brain with an egg beater.


Good analogy. I can identify. Although sometimes I can't decide if mine was taken to with an egg beater or more with a sledge hammer.

Originally Posted By: Jude
agree that there's a point of acceptance....letting go of the expectation that I can be like everyone else around sex, and relationships. Its kind of like an amputee hoping to grow a new leg. No matter how hard he tries, it just never gonna happen. Eventually he has to put on the prosthesis and make the best of what he has been left with.


Another excellent analogy. In a lot of ways I accepted a long time ago that the "leg" would never grow back. My sexuality is what it is now. Twisted, broken, ugly, destroyed and irreparable. I can and have adapted and adjusted as well as I can to living with this "handicap". The problem is that it never seems to get any easier. It's still hard. Every day is still a struggle. Peace,

Ken

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#445231 - 08/23/13 07:55 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 216
Originally Posted By: Jude
Being "normal" may be too high a bar for some of us, but please DO talk about this in therapy. I found that once I started and saw that he wasn't judging me, I was able to start talking about it all.


Thanks for saying this. Usually when you say the word 'normal' people just brush it off, and say stuff like, 'who'd want to be normal anyway? Who gets to define what normal is?' That doesn't really help, especially when you know that normal is the exact opposite of you. It's ok if being weird is a choice, like you could be normal but you choose not to be. But having weird forced on you isn't fair.

This woman I see for therapy is old. Like 50 or maybe even 60. I already know that she's kind of hippy-ish, like she wouldn't think it was terrible if I said I went to swingers parties (I don't though). I don't mind admitting problems I have with other stuff, but this seems like a bigger deal. It's not like I LIKE her in any kind of way, so I don't see why it should matter what she might think of me, (which is probably nothing bad) but... yeah, it's awkward.

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#445238 - 08/23/13 08:37 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Rich1967 Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
From Jude:
***
My thinking is that I've had lots of sex, of all kinds, in my life, but very little love and intimacy. And thats what I long for at this stage. Sex would be the icing on the cake (no pun intended), but giving and receiving unconditional love? What a concept!
***

Jude - sorry about all the med and sex complications. It doesn't seem fair that as we are now finally able to have some type of healing that our bodies seem to be on a downward decline at the same time.

Sex is just a physical thing. The unconditional love is really the important stuff. I feel like we get some of that here at this site. I would never have thought a place like this could exist. So many people who obviously care about (love) each other in one place. I hope you find someone to share your love and intimacy with because you deserve it and whoever that person is will be very lucky to have you.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445241 - 08/23/13 08:53 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
SoccerStar Offline
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Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
.
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"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#445247 - 08/23/13 10:31 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Suwanee Offline
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Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 759
Loc: Southeast USA
Definitely VERBOSE and potentially TRIGGERING.

I've posted on this before in other threads, but this is a good opportunity to gather my thoughts on the whole thing.

I speak of my sexual development in navigational terms.

1) I follow a vector toward my destination.
2) I encounter a storm.
3) I lose electronic navigational ability and remain adrift after the tempest.
4) I re-learn navigation via sextant and dead reckoning.
5) I re-join the original vector, but only after a lot of lost time.
6) I have new skills by the time I get to adulthood.

In more human terms, I began puberty at age 11-a little early, but not unusually so. While things are happening down there, I'm not freaking out because I'm expecting it all. In between swiped Playboy and Penthouse magazines, I had several books from the library (not checked out) about sexual development. I knew what was happening to me. I also had a copy of Desmond Morris's "The Naked Ape" that described human physiology and behavior as if we were a zoo specimen---very detached and clinical. The chapter on sexuality was pure intellectual porn for me.

I was eager to use what I had and did so--frequently. Girls were interesting--though they didn't seem interested in me. After IT happened, I became more sexually withdrawn trying to understand the significance of having(letting?) someone five years older fondle me to orgasm on several occasions. I was erect, it felt great. What I didn't ask for was being threatened, assaulted and raped by this same person when I dared say "no."

I went through a time of self-doubt about my sexuality. It's the same old dilemma. I got hard so I must be gay. I let him do it, so I must be gay. He anally r*ped me, so I must be gay. He chose me, so I must be gay. I went to an all-boys boarding school. I hoped it would extend an admissions offer, so I must be gay.

But I didn't totally feel that way. In high school, I wanted so badly to meet a girl--even a "bad" girl so I could sneak her into my dorm room and fuck her on my bed to see if that's what turned my crank. That didn't happen, so I must be gay. Truth be told, I was afraid of girls. They seemed so pure compared to my carnal thoughts. Any time I tied to get closer to them, I would only get so far before I was overcome with fear. Even holding hands gave me a raging hard on. Dancing? I was terrified of letting my "excitement" touch her. I stayed back so she didn't feel anything.

That's the point. She didn't feel anything. I was witty, charming---all of those things, but the physical distance I maintained left her guessing--wondering what the hell was wrong with her date. So, in the meantime I spanked it regularly, imagining giving and receiving all kinds of derogatory sex. I know how I would have spent a lot of time if there was Internet porn in 1988. There wasn't, so porn was limited to VCR copies of copies of John C. Holmes flicks that another kid brought from home in a Tupperware bowl-go figure. This was classic 70s mow chicka mow-mow stuff and I really just preferred my own theater of the mind.

By college, I was really beginning to worry. Gay? Straight? Bi. Other? Joining all kinds of recent arrivals on campus led to a little more confidence. I actually dated a GIRL for a while. She was more "forward" than the girls I had known in high school and didn't mind in the least that I showed my interest with an erection. She was a real "take charge" kind of gal. She pretty much told me what she wanted. Yes! A girl who will give direction. That's what I needed for years! She had me try all kinds of things.

But it wasn't all good. She dared comment on something. She in not so many words indicated that my penis was odd because I was not circumcised. She had never seen such a thing. Soooo...I'm finally making progress and she is repulsed by the same thing that the perp was infatuated with.

Damn.

That's when I impulsively convinced a urologist that I had a problem down there-one that called for circumcision. So, to rid myself what I thought attracted the perp and repulsed my first "normal" sexual partner, I gave up something-yet again. True, she was shallow---and I did regret doing that.

After wallowing in some self-pity, I began my upper-level coursework and encountered more and more intellligent girls (women?) who had a confidence I found very alluring. We talked politics, economics, weather, sex.

Sex.

This group of students was not a gaggle of sorority girls. They could have adult conversations where sex and politics blended seamlessly. I needed that. I ended up dating one of those girls during my last year of college. Sex was there, but it was pretty tame. I still felt like a creepy perp trying to cop a feel or get her in bed.

I won't go into the craziness of my post-college, pre-grad school years, but after graduation we went our separate ways and I was adrift again. Grad school came and closed out with no long-term relationships in sight. Two things happened next.

I lived in a neighborhood that was predominately gay. My neighbors were gay and I hung out with them at some of their parties. I had a great time, but more importantly, being around openly gay men put me at ease. It put me at ease, because they were great guys, and that I realized I had no desire to have a gay relationship. Beyond the normal SSA stuff that can come from CSA, I could see that I did not identify as being gay. I was just a fucked up straight guy.

Next, I met a woman my age whose parents lived not too far from where my parents once lived. We discovered a lot of common interests, people etc. She was single and had never been married, but seemed as interested in me as I was in her. We clicked in a way I had never experienced with anybody. I HAD to be with her.

She was also very sexually adventurous...so much so that she just about attacked me during a date. She was perplexed as to why I hadn't made any moves, so she took the lead. It triggered the hell out of me....and she thought I must be gay. I felt so bad by being spooked, that I vowed to correct it on the next date. So I did.

She still jokingly brings up that incident since I now call her my wife. We've been married ten years now. I just disclosed the CSA to her last fall. She jokingly mentioned the "freak out" episode again a few weeks ago and I had to remind her that I acted that way because of what happened to me as a boy. She felt bad after I said that.

I won't be gratuitous with specifics, but my wife is the best thing that has happened to me sexually, mentally, physically...all of it. It scares me sometimes how much of my well-being is held in her hands. She knows this and is very careful. Outside of the normal issues of having two kids, we still try to work in sex twice a week. It may be a quickie while the kids are watching TV, or a long session when they are with grandparents. I get especially horny after an intense workout or swim. I suspect she now associates the smell of chlorine with sex.

She knows that there are times when I now will ask her to take the lead sexually. It's safe re-creation perhaps--thinking about old bad good things.

I don't know if she sees it that way or not, but this is my destination.

Will


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My Journal

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Ruins of a past unknown-

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#445252 - 08/23/13 12:18 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
SoccerStar Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Ultra-hypersexual. Insatiable. Frenzied. Two minutes after having sex I have to masturbate to the memory of the sex I just had. Beyond the sheer mechanics of it I often feel alone and nervous and need touch - to be held, cuddled, or just a brush of fingers on my wrist, anything. My threshold for feeling alone and rejected kicks in after about 3 hours at max.

When sexual desires really flared up around 12-13... AFTER I'd deciphered that the images in my head meant "sexual abuse"... I was mortified to find myself equally attracted to girls and guys. I was extremely and furiously homophobic. Not by coincidence, my father was too. I had a ritual mantra of straightness assurance words that I would repeat to myself hundreds of times a day in order to cement my heterosexuality and banish all thoughts of other guys forever.

Though I did not consciously feel damage from the initial rape, it left me passive and jittery and with a hair-trigger over-startle response. This made me prime meat for bullies. Which led to phase 2....

I basically threw myself at the feet of another boy for protection. He was only a few months older than me but had stampeded through early puberty and was an obnoxious, loud, strong-willed pushy asshole. Great characteristics for a bodyguard. Also some not unusual characteristics for a perp. He demanded a price for his protection and I paid it every single time. Not sex acts per se but sexual exploitation in total obedience to him. Thanks to him I saw my first hardcore porn at 12. The things he did with me, he also did with dozens of other neighborhood boys he initiated. This became the way all of us friends would behave with each other. It was a forbidden thrill to watch and afterwards I loathed the homoerotic feelings they represented even more. When I went off to college it was like Tarzan pulled from the jungle, as I definitely creeped out several other freshmen to whom no, THAT was definitely NOT what guys did when hanging out where they came from.

By age 24 my porn collection was so massive it filled a 7-foot ski-style duffel bag to the bursting point and I needed a friend stronger than me to carry it when I moved (I paid him in porn). I have injured myself 4 times through excessive masturbation seriously enough to have required medical intervention.

The "good news" is that between college and living / working in a major city, I learned and worked with and befriended many gay guys; I also screwed enough girls to know that I enjoyed it too much to be gay anyway, so around age 23 I calmed down and settled on myself as being bi through common sense and process of elimination. I will never know if that is my innate orientation or a result of the abuse.


I regret having not had the opportunity to develop or maintain non-sexualized friendships. To this day whenever a guy asks to hang out with me I wonder if it's going to go that way. On occasions when I've had to sleep near other men (ie field research, crashing on floors), I would usually lie awake all night, tense and erect, waiting and wondering. And usually wishing.


My wife had an extraordinary libido and in our early years together she actually managed to keep pace and satisfy me. And when I needed it even more than that, she thought it was flattering and felt sexy from it even if all it amounted to was me taking care of business while watching her.

2 children and a disclosure later, I'm afraid that's all changed. She's very regimented and its nowhere near what I need. The good news is that we at least are still very affectionate with each other and she deeply values and encourages forms of intimacy that don't have to involve sex. As long as it keeps us close... I can deal.

Ironically, she was disgusted to learn of my bisexuality and in the first few weeks after finding out she hit me with as much phobic-ness as I'd ever felt in the bad old days. She asked me between sobs if I had only married her because I'd seen her as mannish. But, we got through it and while its been something of a struggle, we are again partners, she has finally become very supportive, and as long as I can get regular affection, semi-frequent sex, and incessant access to porn, I can basically manage. Just her cuddling me for a few hours recently followed by unusually prolonged and vigorous sex reset me into an odd blissful state from which I have not reverted to baseline... yet.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#445254 - 08/23/13 12:42 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 303
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Will,

I think I needed to hear that, because it allows me to have at least a little bit of hope that I'll find what I'm looking for someday.

Nothing in my life has made me angrier than having girls assume I was gay just because I didn't try to initiate. I would think "Jesus, if you only knew what I'd been through, you'd understand. Fuck you for judging me". I still am not really sure how to...if it's appropriate, am I hurting the other person, is she uncomfortable and not saying anything, is the timing right, blah blah blah.

I had another girl who I wasn't really attracted to openly ask me why I was being avoidant around her when she was giving me pretty obvious signals. She also thought I might have been gay, just because I didn't take her back to my room to engage in the no pants dance. She was also my RA at the time, so I felt like she was somebody I could trust, and I disclosed what had happened to me. She in turn disclosed that she had been in an abusive relationship and had experienced some sexual violence too, so she understood why I wasn't really present at that time. I had told her how I was still working things out and just wasn't really at the point where I could pursue sex.

Yet another very much took charge of the situation and basically decided to shack up with me for no other reason than she thought I was handsome and admired the fact that I wasn't drooling over her. The hilarious thing was that we were talking about our shared interest in martial arts, and that was that. We didn't even end up having sex, but oh. my. god. Definitely the most intense experience of my life. No woman before or since made me feel the way she did. At one point, we were just lying there, and she said "I feel so safe with you". I didn't even know how to react to those words. I decided to try and ask her for a date the next day, but when I got back to campus, she called and said "Hey, I was a little drunk last night, and you're nice and all, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now". I was crushed, and wouldn't you know the first thing I thought was "She rejected me, so somehow that must mean I'm gay". That used to be my thought process whenever I failed at something with women.

Anyways, thank you for your post. My SSA disappeared after therapy, and over time I've been slowly becoming less anxious or worried around gay people. I'm still not comfortable with going to gay clubs with my gay friends, but those of them who know what happened to me are very understanding of that.

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#445263 - 08/23/13 02:40 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: SoccerStar]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3593
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
Ultra-hypersexual. Insatiable. Frenzied. Two minutes after having sex I have to masturbate to the memory of the sex I just had. Beyond the sheer mechanics of it I often feel alone and nervous and need touch - to be held, cuddled, or just a brush of fingers on my wrist, anything. My threshold for feeling alone and rejected kicks in after about 3 hours at max.


i was exactly like that!
you just reminded me.
i had almost forgotten how desperate i was for love, affection, intimacy.
wait a second... was?
i still am.
i just don't have the sex drive anymore.
i have had sex once this year, and that was my wife initiating.
i went from hypersexual horndog to celibate monk after my kids were born. i can't even have sex when the kids are in the house.
my wife hates it, but i cannot even contemplate the act, let alone maintain interest or erection, while the kids are in the house.
sex has become something dirty, disgusting, gross.
i don't even know how to flirt or seduce anymore.
i do not feel sexy.
i feel ugly.
this is some weird reaction to the excessive reckless perversions i once considered desirable.
i no longer crave or desire the hardcore stuff.
i used to "F___ like and animal".

i don't think my wife is very happy with the lack of libido.

whenever i feel the old urges return,
i fight them, until i end up alone with some porno.
i used to direct that energy at my wife.
i thought i was abusing her.
it always made me feel guilty after.
turns out she liked it.
now she wants her old lover back.

when i try to "make love" with her,
slow and gentle,
it turns out she prefers the slam bam intensity of my former self.
the person i was, the hardcore punk rock musician.
the person she married.
but that thought pattern is no longer comfortable for me.
it starts the trigger, and i just don't want to be that guy anymore.

i can't just simply "take it out" on her like i used to,
now that i am aware that is what i was doing all these years.
while we were having sex together,
i was having sex with myself in my own mind.
shameful thoughts that i could never share.
i still love my wife, i just can't objectify her anymore.

i am very confused.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#445295 - 08/23/13 09:45 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: AndyS87]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 759
Loc: Southeast USA
Andy,

I'm glad my post helped you out. This is one messed up thing to sort through. I think that I really did get off course for ten or so years after it happened. By the time I had sorted through things, I experienced the normal teenage self-discovery----only I was deep into college by the time it happened. My development was slowed, but it eventually happened. I hope you find success here. It IS possible. It sounds like you have a good start.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#445311 - 08/24/13 02:47 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: txb
This woman I see for therapy is old. Like 50 or maybe even 60.
Whaddya mean old? 50-60 is the prime of life man.
Originally Posted By: Rich1967
It doesn't seem fair that as we are now finally able to have some type of healing that our bodies seem to be on a downward decline at the same time.
Actually I'm in the best physical shape of my life....except for my limp manhood
Originally Posted By: Suwanee
I won't be gratuitous with specifics, but my wife is the best thing that has happened to me sexually, mentally, physically...all of it. ....outside of the normal issues of having two kids, we still try to work in sex twice a week. It may be a quickie while the kids are watching TV, or a long session when they are with grandparents.
Will, you sound like you have successfully made the leap from sexually damaged to sexually satisfied. Care to share how you did that?
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
I regret having not had the opportunity to develop or maintain non-sexualized friendships. To this day whenever a guy asks to hang out with me I wonder if it's going to go that way.
This has been a tuff issue for me. I've never had male friends. The one real male friend I had in college dumped me after I got drunk and tried to jump his bones. I just steered clear after that..
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
I have injured myself 4 times through excessive masturbation seriously enough to have required medical intervention.
I was constantly making it bleed from rubbing the skin off. Mom sent me to the doctor when she found blood in my briefs. He made me show it to him. That was totally humiliating.
Originally Posted By: AndyS87
...and wouldn't you know the first thing I thought was "She rejected me, so somehow that must mean I'm gay". That used to be my thought process whenever I failed at something with women.
That was my thought too. I was so homophobic that anything bad about me meant I must be gay
Originally Posted By: Victim/Victor
i can't just simply "take it out" on her like i used to, now that i am aware that is what i was doing all these years. while we were having sex together,i was having sex with myself in my own mind. shameful thoughts that i could never share. i still love my wife, i just can't objectify her anymore.
I can so relate Victor. Sex with my wife was always hard and fast, all about me and getting my rocks off, proving that I wasn't gay. All the while I was imagining a variety of porn scenes that were my little secret. At the same time I resented her lack of interest. She never liked it and shut me off eventually.
Originally Posted By: Suwanee
My development was slowed, but it eventually happened. I hope you find success here. It IS possible. It sounds like you have a good start.
Hope so. It sucks to be middleaged and just finally figuring love and sex out.
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#445316 - 08/24/13 07:30 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 216
Originally Posted By: Jude
Whaddya mean old? 50-60 is the prime of life man.


Yes, you guys make it sound so awesome with all this talking about Viagra. Just kidding. I'll be glad to be older so people will take me seriously for a change.

This thread reminded me of the time I 'accidently caught myself in my zipper'. At least that was my cover story. I still have a tiny scar from that. In everything I do there never seems to be any middle ground. Everything's always all or nothing. Because of the drugs I am on right now I pretty much have zero desire. Or I do, but I lack the ability to follow it through. Maybe I need some Viagra after all. My girlfriend is coming home today after being abroad all summer. Of course this is great but I have built it up into a huge deal in my mind (as usual). It's going to be an epic fail I can tell.

This is a dumb question, but exactly is intimacy? I think it means knowing someone well...? But I'm not sure. What's so good about it?

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#445322 - 08/24/13 08:45 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: txb
This is a dumb question, but exactly is intimacy? I think it means knowing someone well...? But I'm not sure. What's so good about it?


In this context, it is the physical and emotional acceptance and comfort you share with another person. When people deeply care about each other, are interested in each other, want each other to feel good, and give of themselves through physical / emotional effort to make it happen. It can be sexual, it can be cuddling or massages or just holding hands, or just spending lots of close, personal, deeply involved time together. It can involve love but very close and interpersonal love - the love of those who CHOOSE to love and be loved back, as opposed to those who inherit love through birth and social expectation (in other words, family). I have a close and loving relationship with my dad and we hug frequently, but it's different from a hug I give my wife, even if it involves the same time and surface area of body contact and even if she and I hadn't had sex in two weeks (GOD FORBID!).

With intimacy you feel special, important, attractive, and validated. Whether taking a stroll ten years into a marriage or starting the next round of a passionate hookup, someone sees you, knows you, and says "Yes; I want to be yours; and you can be mine too." It means you are not alone. It is the opposite of loneliness, emptiness, and doubt.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#445391 - 08/25/13 12:16 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: txb]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: txb
This is a dumb question, but exactly is intimacy? I think it means knowing someone well...? But I'm not sure. What's so good about it?
Wow, this almost deserves its own thread, but I'll give it a shot. Most of my life, I believed that sex was intimacy. That the joining of genitals was the only way to feel close. I now believe intimacy is knowing, and being know by, another person, in a deep and personal way, without judgement or fear. It requires absolute trust that the other person will continue to love you no matter what secrets you share with them. It means the masks come off, and who you really are shows. It can exist between friends, family, or lovers. It can be expressed through words, touch, facial expressions, and sometimes sex. However, most of the time intimacy does not require an erection. Hey, if enough guys get interested in intimacy, we may put the Viagra people out of business!
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#445396 - 08/25/13 01:33 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Originally Posted By: Jude
It can exist between friends, family, or lovers. It can be expressed through words, touch, facial expressions, and sometimes sex. However, most of the time intimacy does not require an erection. Hey, if enough guys get interested in intimacy, we may put the Viagra people out of business!


LOL on the Viagra. The other stuff I found works and is cheaper.

I'm glad you included friends in the list. I've never been able to have that with my guy friends till just this last year. I was the homophobe as well and couldn't let myself go there. Intimacy (love) is what it's all about although I'm not giving up on the sex just yet - it's now a very fun form of expression :-)
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445404 - 08/25/13 08:15 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 216
Thanks for the explanations. My girlfriend is really my best friend that I can talk to about pretty much anything. I know she won't think i'm crazy or stupid or anything else. I don't even know how that happened, it was kind of like that from the start without me putting in any effort. Yesterday was not an epic fail, it was an epic win (and I even won some money). It was pretty much my best day ever. (SpongeBob has a song about that smile ) I really want to fix the sexual problems I have, but they are probably the hardest things to talk about.

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#445428 - 08/25/13 04:47 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1491
...


Edited by Chase Eric (11/21/13 08:51 PM)
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#445476 - 08/26/13 02:50 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Chase Eric]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3593
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
Hi - I made a post in this thread and then deleted it and for that I am sorry. A few of you have asked me to keep it posted but I did not. I have kept a copy of it, however, and am comfortable with PMing that copy to anyone who thinks my "odd duck" experience is anything they could possibly relate to. A couple of you have already asked for it and I have complied without question. This place is about shared experience. I can, have and will share fully - but I just feel more comfortable on the PM system with this particular post.


i'll take a PM copy if you don't mind, chase eric.
call me curious.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#445478 - 08/26/13 04:11 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
You guys should seriously read up on the 12 step material on sex addiction and sexual anorexia (fear of intimacy).

The materials available can shed enormous penetrating light on the issue.

There are oodles of people making 180 degree changes in behavior an life quality through 12 step programs focusing on sex.

And you can do all your meetings and step work online if the obstacle is walking into a room full of people, for any reason (distance, fear, whatever).

People with CSA ARE RECOVERING from ALL of these issues. Help IS available. And the word on the street is:

YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT HELP SO DON'T BOTHER TRYING.

Google SAA SKYPE or SLAA SKYPE for the list of online meetings.

Or PM me with questions. Might change your life.


Edited by GoldStone (08/26/13 04:13 AM)

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#445631 - 08/27/13 08:15 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 136
Loc: California, 93451
Me, too. All of the above, most of the time. Thanks for posing this question, Jude. It's depressing to read how many men here have these effects of abuse, but I guess that it's nice not to be alone. I'm kinda smiling when I write that... but regretfully.
Originally Posted By: Jude
How many here who were abused as boys grew up to have difficulties with sex. Either fear and avoidance of it, or promiscuity/addiction, or porn issues, or gay/str8 confusion, or difficulty with performance, or whatever...all of the above.
_________________________
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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#446141 - 09/01/13 04:42 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Dolphinboy Offline


Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 39

Hi Jude
At times I feel like I have made great progress on my road to healing, but your question has brought me back to the reality of my life and one of the issues I have struggled with in my personal life.
Yes, I have difficulties with sex. My sexual abuse started at age 8 and lasted for about 5 years, with different abusers. After the last incident of abuse, I vowed to myself that nobody will ever see me as a sexual being again. No-one in this world would ever know that I had a sexual past. To the people around me, I became a sexless boy, not talking about sex or taking part in any discussions on the subject. I pretended not to notice the “nudge-nudge, wink-wink” messages that were directed at me. My sex life was wiped from this earth, I dumped all those memories into a deep, dark pit and was covering it with sand and stone. I wanted to be innocent, yet in private, I could not stop masturbating. I kept my vow of no sex throughout my school career and when I went into the army at 18, I intended to keep it that way. Despite many “close shaves” I remained an “innocent boy”, not thinking that I might be avoiding the issue rather than dealing with it. Soon it became apparent that I was extremely scared of sex and useless in relationships, especially regarding the intimacy aspect. Late in my 30’s, the pit with demons was blown wide open when my brother was arrested for abusing young boys. Suddenly my carefully concealed memories lay exposed for the world to see. I decided I might as well try for a gay relationship, seeing that straight relationships were not working for me. This led to random sex with strangers, but no relationship and still with a fear and hatred of intimacy or closeness. Today I am 50, alone and although happy with my life, I still wonder how things might have been different if I was not introduced to sex at the age of 8.
_________________________
When there are dolphins in the waves,
the sharks wont get to us.
I believed my dad that day
and became Dolphinboy,
my own protector.

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#446287 - 09/03/13 07:13 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Well I'm genophobic. In my mind s/x is synonimous with humiliation and fear. I mb, but only as a functional thing to stop myself having s/xual dreams which are always bad.

This would be fine, I could just go through life without any s/x drive at all, accept that A, I have to admit I do have a libido, and B, there is something I've seen betwene couples who are together, not specifically physical, but a form of communication, and not having this is painful.

it still hurts that the closest I've ever been to anyone was as awful as it undoubtedly was.

I now realize that whatever is supposed to work in normal attractions between people in me is just broken, I don't understand dating and can't relate to epople on any level but friendship.

Oh well, at least as I get older this might go away.

Personally I'd rather be without a libido at all, at best it has given me solitary physical pleasure, and then only intermitantly, heckif I didn't think it'd have an adverse affect on my voice I'd considder medical castration.

The really cruel part is I'm sure there is such a thing as a good and loving comunicative s/xual experience, it just seems impossible to me to even get to the point of asking anyone, ---- heck, as far as I'm concerned nobody has ever been interested in having such with me.

But hay, never mind! I'm trying to convince myself that it's just an experience, nothing more, and if that part of me is broken, ---- well that's how it is.

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#456894 - 12/16/13 05:35 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Dolphinboy]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline


Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 118
Loc: Quebec-Canada
Thank you dolphinboy. Wen you say " and still with a fear and hatred of intimacy or closeness" I realise i am hangry but did not feel it or know it. I will work whit that.

Jean-Pierre

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