Newest Members
squeekinby, rhyoung, Jefferson22, OxfordArms, Anony_mous
12368 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
bluesky (44), Brother B+ (48), emal7717 (53), estuardo (52), kwf777 (56), LeeAnne (30), mapleleafsn (52), otherside (61), ronnie (59), Scott1962 (52), thrive-n-survive (42), tom3065 (36)
Who's Online
4 registered (GT13568, 3 invisible), 14 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12368 Members
74 Forums
63563 Topics
444107 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 3 of 5 < 1 2 3 4 5 >
Topic Options
#445042 - 08/21/13 11:54 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1529
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: txb
I just want to be normal but I don't think this is something I am ever going to talk about in therapy.
Being "normal" may be too high a bar for some of us, but please DO talk about this in therapy. I found that once I started and saw that he wasn't judging me, I was able to start talking about it all.
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009
I have more problems with porn addiction comparing to masturbation. I'm always searching for something that has reminiscence of my past and it is unhealthy.
I think you are exactly right about this. Its unhealthy. Maybe some "normal" guys can watch and get off to porn and keep it under control, but we seem to be unable to do that. Best to break the cycle completely
Originally Posted By: Genedebs
I generally avoid this topic. ....I shouldn't have disclosed this. But, I guess that is what happens when you feel relatively safe.
I think we avoid dealing with what gives us the most pain, and my sexual life is right there. Nothing makes me sadder than seeing a happy couple, who I can imagine also have a happy sex life, and feel like its out of reach for me. But you are right Genedebs, you are safe here.
Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy
My formative years were spent being terrorized by three family members; two of them abused me sexually. My body was not mine. It was theirs. That does something to a person mentally and sexually.
Thats just it, this was forced upon us, and the damage is so deep, and on so many levels, that it seems like there's no end to it. Thats why I really think I need help to deal with this. I don't have the smarts to figure it all out on my own.
Originally Posted By: Rich1967
Once I figured out the SSA stuff, that love did not equal sex the level of fear around sex lowered as well. The good news was that I stopped getting erections all the time. The bad news is that I can't get it up as easily anymore and I can't keep it up long enough either. .....There's probably more, but that's enough don't you think. Ugh.
The ED has been so devastating for me. I feel so much less a man because of it. Even being celibate, I wish I could just feel what morning wood is like again. But no, its as limp when I wake up as it was when i went to sleep. Viagra does work for me, but whats the point at $5 a pill, when I'm not even having sex? I started taking a medication for prostate issues last year and happily found that it gave me hardons like a 20 year old. But the catch was I couldn't orgasm or ejaculate (I was still MB then). So what good is a gun that won't fire?
Originally Posted By: Rich1967
Other than the not being able to keep it up my relationship with my wife now is almost there.
My thinking is that I've had lots of sex, of all kinds, in my life, but very little love and intimacy. And thats what I long for at this stage. Sex would be the icing on the cake (no pun intended), but giving and receiving unconditional love? What a concept!
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

Top
#445045 - 08/22/13 12:04 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 187
Loc: Canada
.

Top
#445119 - 08/22/13 03:02 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1346
I'm sorry. It was a bit much for me to do this. If it helped anyone, I'll let that stand as the final word, rather than the words I posted.


Edited by Chase Eric (08/24/13 11:21 AM)
Edit Reason: Took down my post
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#445130 - 08/22/13 04:15 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Have to join in with a big me too here.
sexual anorexia
marathon masturbation
Acting Out with my friends in school (which only led to date rape ironically and Abuser #3)
body shame
I'm too tired to make the rest of the list.

Most times it feels like someone reached into the sex box of my brain with an egg beater.

But I try and focus on being the best I can be with what I've got. Right now that's just me and my hand, 'cause when I lose myself to that last bit of orgasm, I'm not vulnerable to anyone, and I think my god understands so no guilt there either.

Maybe not perfect.
But it's better than I used to be, all wild swings and out-of-control sexual starvation/binging. Don't pretend or wish I have no sexuality any more. Just acknowledge I'm not up to sharing it w/ anyone yet. And if never, well, at least I'm not getting hurt.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

Top
#445131 - 08/22/13 04:18 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Chase Eric]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1529
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
[...that he shaped me in such a fundamental way. He had that power over me and he took it. And I can rant and rave and fight myself to the grave about it. I finally chose to accept what he left me with. It doesn't mean accepting HIM. It doesn't mean I lost the war I thought I was waging. That war was lost when I was twelve.....
Eric, this was clearly painful to write and I appreciate your courage in putting it out there. I agree that there's a point of acceptance....letting go of the expectation that I can be like everyone else around sex, and relationships. Its kind of like an amputee hoping to grow a new leg. No matter how hard he tries, it just never gonna happen. Eventually he has to put on the prosthesis and make the best of what he has been left with.

Still, I believe that I have made some progress in this regard. The anonymous hookups, the porn, the chronic MB are are always temptations. I always will want that intense rush they bring, but acting out is a thing of the past now. I will strive to remain celibate until and unless I can integrate sex and love into a balanced act of intimacy with someone I love. At this point thats still a dream.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

Top
#445147 - 08/22/13 05:44 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
For a couple years after my repression broke I dealt with SSA (same sex attraction) but only acted out a handful of times and ultimately overcame it through therapy, reflection, and help from you all. As far as sex goes I haven't had an orgasm while with a woman since this all began a few years back. I am so focused on her pleasure and unconcerned with my own that I just end up having to fake it. Worse than this struggle is the fact that I have a hard time pulling the trigger/making the move on women for whom I have strong feelings. So basically the more I care about a woman the less I want to have sex with her and when I do not know her very well I am completely focused on her needs. I guess I have intimacy issues or something : /
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

Top
#445172 - 08/22/13 09:39 PM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1106
Loc: The ATL
Eirik, that was a hell of a post man! No, I don't think you were hijacking the thread with that post because it was 100% on topic and completely pertinent. I don't think any of what you wrote makes you and "odd duck" either. To be quite honest, I feel that way about the nature of my own sexual damage at times here. The fact of the matter is that we were all ultimately affected by these things in different ways but, at the end of the day, were all affected and affected deeply and terribly. Your story is a vivid testament to that.

Originally Posted By: Onesimus75

Most times it feels like someone reached into the sex box of my brain with an egg beater.


Good analogy. I can identify. Although sometimes I can't decide if mine was taken to with an egg beater or more with a sledge hammer.

Originally Posted By: Jude
agree that there's a point of acceptance....letting go of the expectation that I can be like everyone else around sex, and relationships. Its kind of like an amputee hoping to grow a new leg. No matter how hard he tries, it just never gonna happen. Eventually he has to put on the prosthesis and make the best of what he has been left with.


Another excellent analogy. In a lot of ways I accepted a long time ago that the "leg" would never grow back. My sexuality is what it is now. Twisted, broken, ugly, destroyed and irreparable. I can and have adapted and adjusted as well as I can to living with this "handicap". The problem is that it never seems to get any easier. It's still hard. Every day is still a struggle. Peace,

Ken

Top
#445231 - 08/23/13 07:55 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 196
Originally Posted By: Jude
Being "normal" may be too high a bar for some of us, but please DO talk about this in therapy. I found that once I started and saw that he wasn't judging me, I was able to start talking about it all.


Thanks for saying this. Usually when you say the word 'normal' people just brush it off, and say stuff like, 'who'd want to be normal anyway? Who gets to define what normal is?' That doesn't really help, especially when you know that normal is the exact opposite of you. It's ok if being weird is a choice, like you could be normal but you choose not to be. But having weird forced on you isn't fair.

This woman I see for therapy is old. Like 50 or maybe even 60. I already know that she's kind of hippy-ish, like she wouldn't think it was terrible if I said I went to swingers parties (I don't though). I don't mind admitting problems I have with other stuff, but this seems like a bigger deal. It's not like I LIKE her in any kind of way, so I don't see why it should matter what she might think of me, (which is probably nothing bad) but... yeah, it's awkward.

Top
#445238 - 08/23/13 08:37 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
From Jude:
***
My thinking is that I've had lots of sex, of all kinds, in my life, but very little love and intimacy. And thats what I long for at this stage. Sex would be the icing on the cake (no pun intended), but giving and receiving unconditional love? What a concept!
***

Jude - sorry about all the med and sex complications. It doesn't seem fair that as we are now finally able to have some type of healing that our bodies seem to be on a downward decline at the same time.

Sex is just a physical thing. The unconditional love is really the important stuff. I feel like we get some of that here at this site. I would never have thought a place like this could exist. So many people who obviously care about (love) each other in one place. I hope you find someone to share your love and intimacy with because you deserve it and whoever that person is will be very lucky to have you.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

Top
#445241 - 08/23/13 08:53 AM Re: Sex and the Survivor [Re: Jude]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

Top
Page 3 of 5 < 1 2 3 4 5 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.