Newest Members
journey4two, VASurvivor, jayceemac, rwolf, FindingNemo
12328 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Alicia (55), bubblytam (56), crazydragon (39), JGag78 (36), kris82 (32), Shin (28)
Who's Online
2 registered (Ken Singer, LCSW, pufferfish), 17 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12328 Members
74 Forums
63396 Topics
443252 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#44478 - 12/11/03 05:06 PM feel really bad right now
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I just realized that I missed my appointment with my therapist which normally is 2 hours from now and I did not look carefully at my calendar I would say that I am really bummed but that doesnt begin to tell how I feel self hating has kicked with a wollop.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

Top
#44479 - 12/11/03 05:10 PM Re: feel really bad right now
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Brayton you are human for gods sake. If we were all perfect what would it be like.

Do not let the self hate kick in my brother. Phone your T and let him/her know that you forgot to look at the calendar. Simple as that. Stick around here and post some more.

Sure it was your fault but as I said you are only Human. But more than than I consider you to be a brother of mine.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

Top
#44480 - 12/11/03 05:16 PM Re: feel really bad right now
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I phoned her as soon as I realized my mistake.

I have come to depend on these visits too much. There is a pattern in my life of becoming too emotionally invested in people and then it is even worse when I put myself there and screw myself up like this.

It was like woo-o-o-o-osh when I realized my mistake, the bottom of my good and positive mood dropped out from under me and I feel as bad as I have at anytime during the past year.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

Top
#44481 - 12/11/03 05:32 PM Re: feel really bad right now
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Since right now I am in the midst of my worst kind of feeling maybe I want to take this opportunity not to vent really because I can't sound really angry but just to tell about it so I'm not the only one hearing my voice

It is extraordinary to me what a simple incident like this can trigger in me. It happens so fast that I can't nail down even though it has happened over and over and over again for years and years.

It is a feeling of desolation and hopelessness. I don't want to use those words because they are unwarranted. Nothing terrible has happened to me not for a long time. This is not about something horrible right now.

Its about having let me guard down. Starting to go about things free and easy when it is safer to maintain control, not to let loose, not to let people get into me, not to give them that opening.

Now I feel it doesn't really matter. I feel like going downtown and picking a fight with a guy a lot bigger than me just to feel the pain. I've never done this of course. It describes a feeling but I really am to chickensh-t to actually do anything like that.

This is embarrassing to talk/write about these feelings when the mistake was a simple one, so ordinary no one but I can see anything familiar in it.

It happens over and over again. I don't know where this comes from.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

Top
#44482 - 12/11/03 05:35 PM Re: feel really bad right now
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I'm going to leave now. Go to the grocery store, feed another addiction. Hey, at least its not alcohol or p-rn worse.

I'll check back in in the morning. Those are usually my sanest moments anyway.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

Top
#44483 - 12/11/03 07:55 PM Re: feel really bad right now
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Take care Brayton.

I thought I missed/or was running really late to my pdoc appointment this last Monday. As I was "racing" to get there, I called to let them know I was late (as if they couldn't tell already) and if I could still get in. The receptionist, a wonderful girl, told me my appointment isn't until next Monday. Um, slow down turn around and go to work explaining to them you took the wrong day off. Second umm, my meds run out tomorrow - my appointment should have been last Monday, I think she forgot to turn the calendar page. Um, did I miss my appointment or not? Ummm. Gotta call in the morning, at least to get more meds.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

Top
#44484 - 12/11/03 08:58 PM Re: feel really bad right now
duncan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/29/03
Posts: 36
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
brayton - i have done this so many times -

i get caught up in the moment sometimes -

it's ok - but the more you talk about this -
the better for you --

you are being so hard on yourself -

i am too sometimes --

don't sweat it if you can ---

duncan

_________________________
duncan

Top
#44485 - 12/12/03 11:35 AM Re: feel really bad right now
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Thanks, guys.

I am feeling better this morning though as you could tell from my posts I was very distressed late yesterday.

It is heartening the way I can more and more often find something positive in these negative experiences I have. They often lead to insights about myself, especially my child-part, why I respond in the way I do and what are my specific needs.

I think some transference was/is going on. My therapist has been very kind to me, saying kind things to me. Her office is a safe place for me to be. It feels like she is parenting my child-part, helping me to understand my feelings, validating what happened, and saying soothing things to me. These are all things that I did not experience as a child.

I received physical and emotional abuse from my mother and my father was largely absent though present in conventional ways.

The care of myself and my two sisters was largely left to my mother who was herself emotionally unprepared to do that and unknowing about reaching out for support and help.

I have often wondered about my father's interior life. Though he was a verbal person he gave very few clues and hardly ever talked about his own childhood experiences.

He absorbed himself outside of the family in work, politics and religion.

While the CSA was happening I suppose they were oblivious to it, certainly they did not provide a safe refuge.

I know a lot of guys experienced CSA from one or both of their parents. I do not think this happened to me and am grateful. I can only imagine how horrible that would've been.

The stress of yesterday afternoon also prompted some more detail about a CSA episode I began remembering recently. This time I distinctly remember how I disassociated, flying suddenly out of myself and floating high above the scene.

My body and what was happening to me were in that moment no longer a part of me and my real self from that moment on was something held safe within me sealed behind strong walls.

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

Top
#44486 - 12/12/03 11:44 AM Re: feel really bad right now
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
Hey Brett - I'm so glad you posted all of these feelings. I know first-hand how something small and seemingly insignificant can throw your whole day and feel (at least to your child part) that your whole world is crumbling down. And once an inner part like that, with a very strong set of beliefs, takes control - look out! Goodbye perspective!

Anyway - I am SO glad you are feeling better... and you are able to learn and post about it. Really great insights, too. Proud of you! Thanks for talking it out.

-Sean

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.