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#444666 - 08/19/13 07:10 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 300
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
I am sorry you're caught up in all this. Part of me understands that paralysis where you know you need to get out or change the situation, but you don't know how or what to do. I only told my parents about my cousin because I thought I had AIDS and was going to die. Otherwise, who knows what would have happened. My only perp was my cousin, who was three years older and who also was, at least in my eyes, the most awesome guy ever. I have a sister, but back then we were always fighting, so my cousin was like a best friends AND an older brother that I wish I had to hang out with. We could play video games together, watch hockey, rough house, play with toy race cars, rock em sock em robots, all that stuff. Eventually though, he started asking me to do things with him when he would stay over. I didn't understand why he wanted to do those things - I didn't see the point. But that's how it goes I guess.

It seems as though there are many people in your life who are regularly raping you, and it seems that you've given in and gone "there's nothing I can do right now". Don't mistake that with you voluntarily doing these things. Nothing about it is voluntary. It seems like you've been trapped in an environment like this since you were a child. These people have made sure that this cycle will continue as long as you're still around them. This is not your fault.

I'm not sure of your age, but it sounds like you are probably in your late teens? This is when I began to realize "oh hey, that all wasn't just a thing that happens to normal people, I was being molested, and I don't like what that's done to me". Took me a few years after that to realize that some of my behaviors and actions from that weren't going to just go away at the realization of abuse, so I went to therapy, which worked wonders. I felt better, but now a few years later I'm looking back and thinking "God I can't believe I did those things...". Those thoughts and feelings still have the effect of taking me apart when they come up - I become nervous and can't function, and I feel like I've been electrically shocked. It seems you're experiencing a lot of that now.

As for the girl you're crushing on, I also understand that fear. I felt that I was undeserving of girlfriends/relationships because of what happened to me. Unfortunately, I still feel this way. I feel that I have to disclose, and therefore relive, all this stuff that went on in my past that frankly horrifies and sickens me if I want to be truly close, so I avoid it. But if I don't tell the girl, then it becomes a secret. Truth be told, I'm also scared of being vulnerable like that to another person. This is also painful. It could also be you're afraid that this girl would end up controlling or manipulating you like the other people in your life, or perhaps you're thinking that if you got involved with her, she would eventually find out about your family, or about this "B" character, which in your mind is not something you're willing to show to her.

I hope that you can find the help you need sooner rather than later.


Edited by AndyS87 (08/19/13 07:24 AM)

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#444689 - 08/19/13 01:02 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 196
.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#444695 - 08/19/13 03:16 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 300
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
I feel for you man. I understand wanting to keep this a secret too. I thought people would be really freaked out and not understand what I was going through, or that they'd judge me. When I was 18 I began telling my best friends, as we have all been hanging out together for almost ten years at that point, and we were all (and still are) pretty close. They told me they couldn't really understand what I was going through, but they were sorry and that they'd always be available if I needed to talk. That was a huge relief. As I said though, it's difficult for me to talk to girls about this. I will tell you, when I lost my virginity to my first girlfriend, I was beyond excited, but I was also shaking and trembling. I don't know if that was me being really excited or me letting go of some trauma, but it felt good to be there. That was also the first time I had ever done anything sexual with somebody that wasn't my cousin though, so there's that as well. Looking back, I was a selfish lover, and when we were done, she wanted to go again, but I was like "ahhhh, no time, your Dad wants you home soon". What an idiot I was! Oh well though, live and learn.

I understand the need to find affection to a degree as well. For me, I idolized my cousin. I remember the first real friend I had after that I asked to make out with me. I remember him just saying "Well, friends don't really do that stuff with each other", and I was just like "Oh, I don't have to, and you'll still be my friend?" "uhh, yeah, why wouldn't I be?". That was a big deal for me in eventually adjusting socially, but I can definitely see how I could have been taken advantage of if other people knew. I was fortunate though that I had a really good group of friends, even if the rest of my time in school was awful and I got either bullied or ignored by everyone else.

I am sorry that you're going through this at this time in your life. Even if legally I was an adult at 18, I was still a child in many ways as well. That was also really when it started becoming apparent that "hey, I was molested...I'm probably going to have to get help for that one day, but I don't want to now. It's too scary". I think at a certain point, we do kind of surrender in these situations. We know that we don't really want to do what we're about to do, but maybe we reason there's nothing we can do to stop it, so why waste the energy trying? The secrecy too becomes hard to break, because we've made such a big deal of not telling anybody else and trying to put up these fronts that make us seem normal, like nothing ever happened.

It sounds to me like you've had all you can take and you just want to get out of this situation. I saw earlier you want to wait until you go into student housing or off to school somewhere before you act, but I think the sooner you stop this from happening to you, the better off you'll be. I understand the fear part of it - I don't know if I ever would have told anybody else, but I thought that somehow I'd gotten HIV and was going to die, so I told my parents as they could see something was wrong. For you though, it isn't enough to tell your parents or other family members. Do you have any close friends or teachers you can confide in? I don't know where you live, but I know in the US if a teacher suspects ANYTHING, they need to file a report. Doesn't matter if you told them, you told a friend and the friend told the teacher, the teacher was suspicious, whatever the case. Nobody would ever know that YOU made the report.

I wish you the best, and this community is very supportive and should be able to help a lot. Please though, try as best you can to get yourself to safety and out of the situation you're in. As far as those times the panic attacks hit you and you don't know what to do, I want you to take long, slow, deep breaths and try to observe what's going on in your head. Let all those thoughts or feelings fly around in your brain, but try to just breathe, step back, and watch them like they're a river running through your head. That might help alleviate the stress, at least a little bit. I'll link you to a youtube video that takes about 15 minutes to watch that always helps me calm down whenever I get really agitated. I hope this can bring you some peace for now until you're ready to break free of the environment you're in.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGnpKDeO4Do


Edited by AndyS87 (08/19/13 03:24 PM)

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#444715 - 08/19/13 06:47 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 196
'
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#444741 - 08/19/13 11:28 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 300
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
I think it's understandable why you would be feeling low! You've got a lot on your plate that's keeping you weighed down, or even kind of squishing you by the sounds of things. The simple fact of the matter, my friend, is that even when we feel like we should know better and should be able to stop things, that isn't how this stuff works. You can't change your situation without changing your mindset, your thoughts, and all that jazz.

All I can say about your friends and the fears you have is that many people stay quiet for a long time for those very reasons. I can't tell you your friends will be able to understand what you're going through, but even if they can't fully understand, that doesn't mean they won't show you compassion. Do you have any good friends you can really have a heart to heart with that will hear you out and not judge you?

I can't say that I understand about your home situation or the vengeance thing - that's not something I ever experienced. I could see why you're hesitant though, and although I wish I could offer you some advice there, nothing I can say would be coming from a place of knowledge or experience, just a best guess at what to try and do. What I do know is that abusers often instill fear into their victims or threaten them to make sure they stay quiet. For this reason, many survivors don't come forward until those people are no longer part of their life. It sounds like this is what you're attempting to do. Although it makes sense that you'd wait so that you could keep a roof over your head, the longer you stay, the more physical and emotional hurt is going to be inflicted on you. At this point though, it seems that you've kind of numbed yourself out to all that, which in your case is probably a necessary thing for you to do to survive.

I can tell you right now though, if you were a student of mine I would have written a report to the department of child services a long time ago on your behalf. Since I am legally required to do that as part of my job if I suspect a child in my class is being harmed in some way, my default response is still to tell you to go to the police or to child protective services.

If you can, you may want to read up on Joe Kort's blog called "Straight Guise". He's got an section in there that talks about how sexually abused males act out and sometimes sleep with other men to try and control their trauma. In their mind, THEY are making the decision, so THEY are then somehow in control of the situation. This of course isn't true, and so many of these men are left feeling shameful or conflicted afterwards.

My thoughts are with you, stay as safe as you can.

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#444744 - 08/20/13 12:03 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 264
Loc: PA
Sven,

Don't really have anymore to add except that I wanted you to know I still think about you and hope that you have the courage to get yourself out of the current abusive situation.

My prayers are with you.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445833 - 08/29/13 06:08 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 196
'
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#445841 - 08/29/13 08:10 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 264
Loc: PA
Wow! I know that took a lot of courage. Even if things get worse know that you did the right thing! You stood up for yourself and others today. I pray it works out for the best and if it doesn't I know you will be able to find that strength again. I'm proud of you for showing such strength.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445842 - 08/29/13 08:25 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 196
.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#445844 - 08/29/13 08:31 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 264
Loc: PA
I think I would feel the same way. Just take deep breaths and hold on. Think about what it took to do what you did. If nothing happens remember that if you did it once you can do it again till you make them give you the help that you so damn well deserve!

Be strong - you are strong!
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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